New- PTSD assistance appreciated

[Ptsdlady]

i keep getting myself into situations where i see something awful happen, and then go into the same state i did when i was younger ( i freeze). Im mindful that continuing to react in this manner, will end up causing me more harm in the long run.To clarify, say i witness another person getting attacked, and i freeze, how am i any help to this person? Or i see a car accident, and i don't get out of the way and i end up dead.I've already lost a proportion of my life to fear, i don't want the remaining time i have to be miserable.

I have PTSD and BPD and im in the process of getting my name on the waiting list for DBT or CBT. I just want to know if theres anything i can do to prevent getting stalked, or attacked. Should i change my clothing? Should i enrol into self defense? I just want to protect myself and not freeze ever again. I'm over reacting in normal situations, and then under reacting in bad situations.It doesn't make any sense.I thought and secretly believed that i wouldn't still be that scared, little girl that i was? i thought i would have grown out of it? I'm well over 18. Is there a way to feel secure or less freaked out by everyone? I don't trust anyone and i don't even bother relying on them because so many people have let me down.Even people who were being paid to care. It makes me ashamed that i wasn't good enough for protection back then and now if i want help its a lot of money or a waiting list. I can't run away, and i just wish i could be able to be free and scream without pissing people off. I can't really be me, i try to be and they laugh.It makes no sense why do i even care what people think when my livelihood means nothing to them? I feel so utterly pathetic, and weak.

[TheSteve]

Hi Lady,

Thanks for sharing your story. You have already taken a big step in the right direction - getting therapy. If you can speed this up (private health cover, doctor referral etc.) then do so. It is quite important to dealing with both the causes and symptoms of what you are experiencing, and is absolutely the right thing to do.

In regards to making your day to day more comfortable, there are perhaps a few things you can do:

- Self defense training is a great idea. Chances are you won't need to use it. However, the confidence it inspires in you, the physical and mental benefits, the camaraderie you will develop with others, the exercise, the focus etc. is very well worth it. I think this is a great idea.

- Learning mindfulness (Google it, buy some books - I found The POwer of Now by Eckhart Tolle to be one of the better, more understandable books) will help with the unnecessary worries and fear. Over time, you can identify the beginning of the thought process that ties you up and stops you from living your life.

- Support and/or help groups with others. A great way to see you are not alone, to share experiences, and to develop a support network.

At the end of the day, you can't control all the things that may or may not happen to you. We are bit small parts of an infinite universe. However, we can be masters of our emotional domain. This should be your only goal - not controlling the outcome of certain events.

We are here for you, come back and chat anytime. All the best.

Steve

[Cornstarch]

I definitely don't recommend you run out and buy this because it will be too triggering while you've feeling hyper-aroused and memory-recall is too intense, that wouldn't be wise, you have to be sensible. But -

Have you read "The Body Keeps the Score" by Dr Bessel van der Kolk?

He's a rock god of trauma research. I have a plutonic, "fix my pain" crush on him. Kind of like admiring a very fine chair or vase. PTSD and BPD is a heady cocktail. Certainly not for the faint hearted. It sucks not being above your biology doesn't it.

I know direct questions for BPD are un-nerving because it feels like I am forcing you to share when past boundaries have been grossly violated so don't feel pressure to reply. It's just a little tip.

Good luck with your therapy. It feels like a baptism by fire at times doesn't it.

[Just Sara]

Good morning Lady and welcome to our wonderful support forum;

What courage you have at such a young age to ask for help and share your pain. I applaud you!

You've described a very complex set of issues; it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed. Having the therapies you mention for on-going support means you have people and expertise in your corner. That's great.

We aren't born with the tools and skills required to recover from trauma; they have to be learned. You are not weak or pathetic...you are self aware and working hard to combat the affects of PTSD.

What you describe as freezing in the face of traumatic events, seems to be 'dissociation' and its affects. This means that when you see or perceive something is happening, it triggers body memories and fear from the past; Post Traumatic Response. When you went through a traumatic event as a little girl, your mind detached or switched off from your body to survive. You didn't have the experience or confidence to face such uncertainty, so your instincts took over. (fight, flight or freeze) This is absolutely normal! Animals go through the exact same thing.

Recovery takes time and requires the patience of the ages. I know too well from my own life. It's one step at a time. Remember in school when learning Math's? You couldn't learn how to multiply until you learned to add and subtract. Then when you become better you can go on to fractions and geometry and so on. It's the same with recovery. You need to learn the basics to create a stable foundation before expecting to go straight to the end.

I hope you stay with us.

Good luck and warm wishes...Dizzy