new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, yes indeed the mortgage increase is real! I saw how much mine had increased tonight and wow. 

Thinking too many more years on that now. Sickening. 

Yes. This friend L and I have been friends for decades. I understand her precarious health conditions are causing insurmountable stress. BUT it's not a competition as to who has is worse or who has been most hard done by. Abuse in any forms, stress in any forms, loss in any forms all equates to what life seems to be about for many of us! 
I'm over it anyway. Have far too much to deal with on my own plate. I don't need more bs on my plate. 

Speaking of which lol, my actual friend (I believe) is going thru horrendous Family Law crap. She called very late tonight and I knew something worse had happened. She's been served Court papers and will appear in 2 week's time. I won't go with her this time. I said I would go with her for the Conciliation Conference (Settlement). Gave her lots of tips. 

Her case is not as "bad" as mine but it's bad enough! Quite disgusting tbh. Some identical elements. 
I'll be editing and adding to her Affidavit for the next 13 days - busy! Her Lawyer wants to go in all guns blazing but I asked her to tell her Lawyer to restrain herself a LOT. We'll see how things unfold there. 

Luckily I had a nap last night. 
Alexa got us ALL registered for her Thesis study Blue! 
It's AMAZING. It's testing our "Working Memory" and something else I can't remember lol. Oh dear lol. 
3 x per day we have to log on to an App and this work is SO important.. it's to help monitor the mental health of our armed forces, wow hey? 

Alexa got a Scholarship this week she didn't apply for lol. Her Professors put her name forward! 

LAST DAY of work tomorrow - or today oops - for this week. Phew made it through another week. Yay. 
I have to tell my Boss (later on, not yet) that I'm supporting my friend through Family Law and will need a day off for Court later on. My dear friend. Darling girl. Our families have known each other for 3 generations! Amazing to have such close connections over generations, really. 

I'm clinging on to hope for all of us, hope we can survive this financial shyte storm. 
Love EM
 

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Just got a reminder that replying on my phone is a dreadful idea - just lost my whole post. I'm in bed and it's been a long day, I'll have another go at it tomorrow. Point is, haven't forgotten about you.

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, lol thank you! 

What a pain omg. I've heard others complain that using their phones for the forums is problematic, ugh. 
Hugs! 

I could never forget about you either lol. All good darling friend. 

I spoke briefly with our Psych at work today. I'll name her J. 
J knew about this friend going through Family Law and said "this is not good for you".. then later said "it will be some Exposure Therapy!" lol. So yeah. 

I will support this friend, M. But not as she'd like! Lol. Here we go again really. It's great practice on setting boundaries. 

Tbh I don't see her case in FL going in her favour (the way she wants anyway). 
She's a HIGHLY intelligent person but hasn't had nearly enough time to get her head around FL and even begin to understand the personality type of the person she was married to for 20y. 
SNAP. I get this but had also crammed 2y of study of demon both online and with Psychs and Counsellors plus studying FL relentlessly. 

Anyway how are you? 

I had to cancel my dentist appt tomorrow. J left work due to ill health before lunch, I'd spent time in 1"1 meetings with her about clients. At lunch time I began having high temps, sore throat, feeling very cold. I had to cancel to protect the dental surgery staff.  

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Already diagnosed my new neighbour grrrr. 

Talk about BOUNDARIES! 

I met the new neighbour, lady, last week. She seemed "ok". 
The man is NOT. 

He is RACIST, misogynistic, a hater of neighbours' animals. (Not his own multi thousand dollar cat!)
EVEN hates the wildlife! 

This thing approached the fence while I was in my garden, on the phone with BF... gosh the more I recall the angrier I get grrr. 

He began talking loudly to me. I took out an earbud and said "Are you talking to me?" I had never met or even seen him before. 

He started ranting: 
~ about the fence, 
~ my animals (IN MY OWN HOME AND GARDEN, apparently I have a useless effing dog)
~ started every sentence with either "You don't understand...." or "The thing you have to know..."
~ Told me he's going to LIE to the real estate agent saying I'm pushing for things.... WOW
~ exposed his fraudulent self - omg a criminal too... cheeses
~ told me I didn't know anything BECAUSE I'm a renter.... and I'm new to the area... (BOTH of which are false, I laughed)
That's not all but enough for this post. 

This man needs confinement. 

He used threats that I'm going to end up in Court, BEFORE he even knew I've been gently enquiring about replacing the fence for years.... (not any more!)
I just chuckled at him when he tried to intimidate me. 

"Don't mistake my patience for weakness". 

Then he TOLD me to get down there (to my back yard), get all MY oranges off MY tree & give them to him to juice. 
I said "What?... they're lemons". He repeated it! 
I said "That's not gonna happen. We EAT our food & let the wildlife eat whatever they want" (lol)

My other responses were the pregnant pause & pulling a WHO ARE YOU face. 

When he began ranting racist comments, I said "Are we done?" walked away and said "We're done. Just so you know, we are compassionate to ALL races & all animals".
Then I asked "What was your name?" yep he hadn't even INTRODUCED himself. 
NOT gentlemanly like behaviour lol. 
Put my earbuds in and went inside.  

I'll be speaking with the Real Estate Agent asap. 

EM!

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Should have copied the text, I was tired and hit the wrong button to reply. Sigh. What I had said was that I am concerned about you taking on even more stuff. Your friend's triggering court stuff, even this study for Alexa. I'm sure it's for a good cause, but I question taking on even more stuff to do. Logging onto a thing 3 times a day? That's actually quite a commitment for someone who is busy, stressed out of her mind, and has ADHD. How do you even remember to do a thing 3 times a day around everything else? I urge you to guard your time and your energy and your mental wellbeing carefully! Sorry to say friend, but I think you're saying yes to way too much, you cannot take on more. Please stop! I say this because I care about you. I'm glad you're at least pulling back a bit on your involvement with this family law stuff. It's a start.

Sick again? Aargh! I wish you weren't going through this. I was the same through a period when I was pushed to work and cope with much more than I could handle, like you I was trying to keep my house. I was sick almost constantly. Again this backs up my encouragement to please not take on any more for anyone. Bare minimum, my friend, nothing extra, it's hurting you.

Good grief EM, another nightmare human on your doorstep? You do not need this! Yes, by all means speak to your agent or anyone else appropriate to keep this vile person out of your face. Sounds a bit like my sister's new neighbour, so arrogant. This is not okay.

I'll save talking about me for my thread. Here to listen and hold space with you.

Blue.

[ecomama]

HEY BLUE! Thankyou for caring so much about me! HUGS! 

Alexa's study is only for 2 weeks. 
I committed only 1 day to go to Court with M. Probably in about 6 month's time but it may NOT be needed if she plays her cards as I guided her to. We'll see. Tbh smashing her exH with my financial strategy will be a lot of FUN! 
Other than that I will find my Affidavit and email it to her. My affidavit looked like an alabaster statue it was so beautifully crafted by my amazing lawyer. 
M will try to rope me in more. But I won't succumb lol. Nup no way. 

For Alexa's study I will set a reminder 3 times a day. It takes around 5 mins. 

PLUS it gives instant feedback on Working Memory according to certain things like amount of sleep, caffeine intake etc. All Alexa's neuro diverse friends have LOVED it. 

Hmm the thing next door. Ewww. 
I've already told my children to have NO eye contact with him and if he says anything to them, ignore and pretend they can't hear him. 
I will be taking notes! 
We are so well practiced at this routine, it's like "slipping into gear". 
This nutter has no idea who he's trying to pick on / threaten / intimidate / pressure lol. None. 

Yah boundaries are a thang! LOL! 

I can't quite believe it but here we are, right along with your Sis! 

Oh and my temps passed quickly. Not for J at work tho, ughhh. Mine were over quite fast thank God lol. 

Love you
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hugs, EM. Of course I care.

I'm glad the study is only two weeks. I hope that you get something useful out of the feedback from it, too. Also glad you have not overcommitted with your friend. 100% support here to keep your boundaries intact if she pushes for more involvement from you. As much as I might seem callous being so quick to say no to people, I know my limits and what happens when they are breached, and I see all the signs of your limits being well and truly breached regularly. I'd be a lousy friend if I didn't argue for their protection. Been having the same conversation with my friend K, today, she struggles with boundaries.

Your advice to your kids re the gross neighbour is sound. No-one should be well practiced at dealing with people like that, they just shouldn't exist, but as things stand, at least you know what to do. That knowledge is valuable.

Glad your temperature has come down, are you feeling better otherwise? I hope so.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hi Blue, you are a wonderful friend. (Btw right now I have chicken near my shoulders trying to escape our pup lol... the shenanigans that go on here lol.. now she's talking softly in my ear after I told our dog to go away - and he did wow, crap she tried to get on to my laptop keyboard lol).

I hope K takes on your advice! 

Yes I'm feeling ok just a bit tired.

M texted me 5x on Friday -she had the day off but I didn't! 
I didn't respond. Didn't even read the texts tbh. 
Then she started again Saturday night. Umm nope. 
I responded via text on Sunday about midday. Her case is really nowhere near the level mine was, similar things but not even close really. 

I understand this is an extremely stressful time for her, but really shouldn't be for me - even tho it's great exposure therapy and I have been triggered... as I said, good practice at ET and boundaries. 

Re revolting neighbour.
I'll go in to the RE Agency tomorrow after work and will NOT give them my phone number, nor my email address. I will scribble a note and ask for a copy of it if they need the report in writing. Sure I can do that. 

After work today my kids needed help with their Tax Returns and Super issues. Hopefully they'll be solved soon. 

Yep I'm running way behind with my To Do List but I know myself. I ALWAYS pack my schedule far too much. 
Just working FT and looking after the kids with the 24/7 pick ups from work is PLENTY! 

I do what I can when I can but have made quite a BIG decision for me... spending my Sat nights doing what I'd like to do - sure with the washing / housework but you get my drift. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks, EM. I try. Love the chaos with your chicken and your dog, this is what sharing our lives with furry and feathery friends looks like. It's messy, but it's beautiful.

K & I have had that talk many times, she says she knows I'm right, but just can't seem to get on top of assertiveness. It's frustrating, but I can't do it for her, only back her up with good advice and support.

Understandable that you're tired, glad it's not more. Sounds like M is feeling a bit dependent on you. I'm guessing she knows this stuff is triggering for you and you can't be available at all times. If you haven't, though you probably have, it may help to state clearly to her what your boundaries are, what you can manage and what you can't. Especially for things like this you're not a 24/7 hotline.

Okay, a plan in place re revolting neighbour, that's good. I'm not sure how they can help with someone being a racist loudmouth, but whatever they can do, I hope they do it.

How were you with helping with tax and super for your kids? I imagine that's got some stress attached, too. Nothing too extensive needed, I hope.

The thing about to-do lists is that for everything you strike off them, two more things appear. They are never done. You literally can't put that much in your schedule. Yes, working full time and being chauffer to all your working youngsters is more than enough. You don't need to add extra.

Very glad to hear you have made this big decision. Saturday night is now sacred space. Bare minimum responsibilities, then much needed you time. You need it, it will benefit you and you deserve it.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, thankyou. I reckon if I get so much support (and growth) from having you as an online friend, I can only imagine how being your IRL friend would be! Gosh I think I wrote that to you a year or so ago... lol. 
Wash rinse repeat in a NICE way lol. 

M aha & hmmm. There's little stuff I haven't mentioned that she eluded to me doing for her... minding / picking her kids up from school on my "days off"... she didn't even know I'd been FT for over 4y lol. PT in spots but not many spots! No anyway. Doing her gardens. Nup. Everything - nup. So it HAS been a lot of pushing the friendship and me leaving pregnant pauses lol. 
M truly believes I have the magic formula for getting 100% care of the kids and paying very little out to demon in Family Law. It was sheer steely determination, years of studying Family Law and a UNIVERSE of Prayer. 
I rewrote Legal Documents that Lawyers from both sides, Barristers and even the Courts got wrong! And they apologised to me lol! 
I have far more faith in MYSELF to put a million % in to MY Life than shifting the trust to ANY ONE else. 

I intuit Ms case for both children and property will NOT go well for her. Her Lawyer is "too green" in Court IMHO. Her Lawyer really doesn't know what she's talking about in some points. A shame for M but she's not MY Lawyer lol! I advised my Lawyer what to do lol! I said she had to trust ME, she thought I was crazy but everything I told her to do WORKED. It worked because I had studied demon. 

Yeah, she'll lose time with the kids for sure. 
Her H is on track to get paid Palimony (she earns double what I earn). 
She'll have to pay him Child Support if he has the kids a fraction of time he's demanding. 

Pity M was so cocky at the beginning when I told her to get her ducks in a row. I KNEW he'd do this. She poopooed me all the way up to being served. Then said crap you were right! 

As BF said "Baby, you can pick a monster a mile off" lol. Let's hope I can for OUR lives. 

No words lol
Love EM