new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Brett, my new friend lol. 

Yeah THAT Bill wasn't supposed to happen at all. The phone company stuffed up big time and I've spent countless hours with the nutters on the phone telling me to go into the shop, only to be told to phone them again x 3. GRRRRRRR. 

We are ALL leaving that company asap. 

Yes Yvette was shocked that driving was so multi tasking lol. Little darling (taller than me lol). She did well. 
We're both so grateful that Prodigal Son said she could use his NEW (used) car! It's a smaller car than my beast, 4 cylinder and AUTOMATIC lol. 

Talk about "being the wilderness", Yvette felt quite self assured that she'd be able to learn on MY car until.... yesterday lol. 
V6, BIG car and manual! 
Crikeys no, not yet. 

We almost ended up VERTICAL in a ditch yesterday on her first turn to the left arghhhh. 
Lord help me. I have SO many hundreds of hours to do with my children learning how to drive. 

ALL my Adult Children have manuals too. We have to wait until my kids at home get onto their Black Licenses before I might get some help with hours, more or less. 
We ask the ACs but getting an auto from this house AND in the tiny wedge of time they can be together is far too difficult to happen atm. 

I'm building my pecs dragging up the hand brake in a hurry! 

Thankyou Brett
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue and a wave to LM and bubbas, 

Something you said last week I think has been going around in my mind.... 

Something to do with PTSD occurring because we didn't feel supported? 
Was that close? 

I realised that I probably didn't have PTSD in my youth up until the birth of Alexa, when far too many co-occurring events happened at her birth and within a year of her birth. 
She and I with her brothers were a POWER team. 
I knew something was "different" about me but put it down to parenthood. 

I think it was that my Nana died. The ONE person I could go to about virtually ANY THING. She wasn't perfect with me, but I only recognised this after her passing. 
She WAS THERE for me. Like as much as she knew she needed to be. 
My Aunty too... she actually had a 6th sense and would just up and get in her car, travel to me, often TAKE me out of the house and I'd stay with her for .... weeks some times. She just told my mother, she needed me to take care of the kids. But in reality she was taking care of me. Bruises and all. 
Then with husband No 1 she did that too. 

So yeah... it wasn't until later I think. 

At least I have the ADHD diagnosis now. Didn't get any therapy about it. 

Thankyou, 
love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I am very glad that my being part of your life has helped in a time when you really needed reassurance and support. That's comforting for me, too.

As much as yesterday was an awful day for you, it seems some good has come of it. Alexa understands now just how much damage this situation is doing to you, and is showing she doesn't want to put you in that place - not just with words but with immediate action. That's a real breakthrough for the two of you.

Yes, pushing for these boundaries is necessary. It is also very hard and very taxing. You don't have to do it all at once. Like all things, one step at a time (not that I don't understand your impatience for change, you're singing my song with that).

Yes, I did mention PTSD being related to a lack of support. That holds true for a host of maladaptive responses to trauma, not just PTSD. The whole idea is that humans are social creatures - when there is too much hurt to process alone we need the support of others. When it isn't there, it often turns bad on us.

I am glad you had your nanna and your aunt looking out for you. You had something early on to look back on for a model of what support looks like, even if it wasn't perfect. The contrast in how things went afterward, whilst obviously not good, at least gives you a point of identifying some underlying reasons for what you're feeling now. That information has helped me get a handle on why the neglect through most of my life has messed me up like it has. Still working on the how of untangling that, as I'm sure you are, but it's a starting place. It's information, and knowledge is power.

As for ADHD, that's just another level of aargh on top. Inbuilt emotional dysregulation and executive dysfuntion to make the things going wrong a bit worse, and to draw in all sorts of extra little traumas in a world that don't like it when you're different. Again, doesn't make it right, but at least we know some of why we are where we are. You are most certainly not alone with either of those things, I know them so well.

Always here, with LM & Puffballs,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue-LM family, 

Thankyou for explaining that more. It makes sense. Brene Brown says things like "we are hard wired for human connection". For those of us who've suffered long term trauma and neglect, her comment could be more specific... "we are hard wired to need protection, support and care (etc)". Maybe this is just stating the obvious that so many ppl take for granted ie feeling safe in our lives - childhood and as adults. 

I wanted to tell you about an Audio book I fell asleep to last night. By "chance" YT put it in my recommended feed last night.. "Love yourself like your life depends on it" by Kamal Ravikant. It reverberated within me, soothed me until I fell asleep. It's more likely I'm awake until 4am after those types of days. Not so this time. I was asleep pretty quickly. 

Another thing I read on "The School of Life" was about how within us there are 3 "personalities". The Child. The Parent and I can't remember the last one. 
In healthy relationships all 3 come to the fore in different situations. 
In dysfunctional r/ships we can be exhausted by having to be heavily in ONE of these. 

I believe both you and I had to be in the "parent" role most of our childhoods. I had to parent my mother in so many ways. My brothers too. The house, contribute financially since 14yo or earlier etc. 
They also eluded to becoming "entrenched". 

I think I'm completely off balance (clearly) and felt the full brunt of emotional dysregulation + PTSD yesterday. 
The ADHD was more noticeable with emotional dysregulation when I was a child. From then on I was conditioned to "shut up" or else. 

I'm glad me needing you has comforted you lol, I know what you mean. It's really lovely to "mean something" to someone. That's definitely YOU to me! 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It made sense to me when I read it, shed a lot of light on what was going on with me. Hm, I guess people do take feeling safe for granted often times. What a concept.

I'm really glad that audio book was soothing for you and helped you sleep, sounds like uplifting material. Me, I read dark fantasy or my "grimdark" Warhammer novels, and drift off in another world. Though sometimes they're a bit too interesting & I'm wide awake wanting to know what happens next, haha.

I looked up the 3 personalities, the other one was "adult". I can definitely see the dysfunctional pattern being stuck in one of those roles. With the ex I was in full parent mode, he wouldn't take responsibility for anything.

It does sound like you were in "parent" mode with your family. It was more "adult" for me - my parents to some extent provided physically if not emotionally, I wasn't responsible for any adult duties, nor did I have any real concept of what a parent did (no functional example to observe). What I did have was a strong sense of self and responsibility over that. It led to being the "parent" later, as I grew older with no support and had a knack for attracting unsupportive men - that's the schema stuff at work.

It's understandable you feel off balance, you are the parent to a host of offspring and are left in the responsible role in virtually every interaction you have whilst dealing with unhelpful, unsupportive and outright incompetent people outside of that. That role coupled with ADHD and PTSD... just untenable. I hear you about being conditioned not to express your emotional dysfunction. That has a lot to do with neurodiverse girls/women not getting diagnoses - you had an extreme version, but the "put up and shut up" model of conditioned female behaviour is pretty common. Me, I was pretty explosive at school (direct response to abuse, which made them back right off) but the other dysregulation I quickly learnt to keep to myself, showing vulnerability never ended well.

It is definitely comforting to mean something to you - you are such a gracious, grateful person, and I have had the privilege to see you benefit from my support, even flourish in some ways from my advice. To me that is amazing, and the benefit is mutual, you have helped and taught me so much on my own journey. Brilliant.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, it's like a "Learning Tennis Match" lol. I learn something and share, you say oh yeah, kind of but x,y,z and pop the ball back with your learning and I say omg what? hahaha. Something like that. 

Thankyou for acknowledging elements in my life that all outside our home IRL just ignore lol. 

My friend L called last night and I'm still reverberating from that on top of settling PTSD. She's finished chemo. 
I'd reached out weekly until she said she can't cope atm, she'll call me when she's able to. 
I left the space respectfully up to her ofcourse. 

WELL wow... like SHOCK... she called to wish me happy bday apparently... but didn't. Hmm. Ok. 
She was so angry I could hear her voice trembling, she cried a lot. I was just holding space. 
THEN she kind of let loose about no one cared about her or reached out during her treatment (um???), 

then got oh so angry it seemed IF I spoke any response. I was kind. 

This was the L who expected me to house a friend of hers, acquaintance of mine no more. While he battled cancer. She drove this home a number of times to me 2y ago. I ended up saying NO. At first I laughed thinking she was joking! No a million times no. Angry in response. Hmmm. 

She let loose last night how I was IRRESPONSIBLE (omg what?) because I'm not set up to RETIRE now. Like all our "friends" have. There's so much to this. She has NEVER had to work! I didn't say this. She's been an addict for decades. I didn't say this. So much more. Cheeses. 
She started dictating to me every stupid thing I wouldn't do. (Hence she has toxic r/ships with her own kids!)

Breathe. 
WTF. Seriously.
Taking no hostages now lol.
My boundaries are SO HIGH I couldn't care less if I never see these people again. 
I'm done. 

Nice to see you BLUE! lol. My kids are taking me out for dinner tonight! more on this later... 
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Learning tennis match, huh? Great analogy, I agree. Makes for some lively and interesting conversation.

No problem. Given we have a similar set of challenges in some areas, I can probably see those elements better than most. A lot of people like to oversimplify stuff too, to fit their own limited world view or limited care factor.

Er, why are you friends with this person? Sounds to me like she just wants an alternating doormat and punching bag. You don't need this rubbish. Sure she's going through some hard stuff, but that doesn't give her a right to treat someone who cares about her like that. Nor does it sound like new behaviour or something driven by stress.

Protect those boundaries, EM, I'm right here backing you up. Shield walls are a powerful defensive technique. 😉

Oh, sweet. I'm glad your kids are taking you out. I hope you have a really good night with them, friend. You deserve it.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, my tennis partner lol. 

IDK why I'm friends with L either... now. For so long I THOUGHT we had a mutually respectful relationship. 
IDK now, perhaps I was blinded by IDK lol. 
Perhaps she felt "above" me? IDK. She pitied me. In fact it's when I was down, and she was ok that our friendship was very caring. 
When she's down and possibly not "above me" that she gets downright angry with me. 

My C said a while back about my extended family, I didn't follow the "family norms" in so many ways. 

IDK I can make excuses for her, she'd just come off Beta Blockers. Just had a wild "episode" on Sunday for the first time she said. But I consider her arguments with her ACs "wild episodes"! 

IDK whatever it is, I don't need it at all. Feels like victim blaming. 

There's a weird feeling of "you're not there for ME 100% of the time" & "you're not doing what I TOLD you to do" ie selling the house, kicking kids out (WHAT?), retiring (on nothing? umm), travel to Egypt because I'll pay (omg what world do you think I live in lol)... just stupid advice. 

I'm just trying to do my best, still raising my kids. 99% of my friends don't have any children left at home and haven't had for years. 

3 of my kids START Uni next year. Approx 6y to do, maybe more IDK. Others to finish school yada yada.. 

Sorry I'm UNAVAILABLE. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: 
Does anyone else feel like their PTSD "episodes" or experiences (no it's more like an episode), can take days to stop shaking from? 
It's Day 4 after Sunday and I'm still a little shaky. 

I remember one time when I was holding a child's hand and he said "Nanny why are shaking? it's hot outside"... this was during the aftermath of D Day (about 9 months later) and the terrors that went along with the months and years afterwards. 

I remember my Great Uncle who'd served in Egypt in WWII. He said it was THEN he started shaking. But then he was posted to the Kokoda Trail and was in Darwin when it was bombed. He still put it down to Egypt when it began. His hands shook for the rest of his life. 

I'm calming now.
The mortgage got paid and that revolting phone bill too. 

"Home" being threatened is a huge trigger. Prob from losing our home to fire when I was a child, then having no stable home for IDK forever? 
THIS home was supposed to be "it". I've never worked so hard in my life to save this home for my family. 
And never for such a long period of time either, decades now. 

I'm in a fork in the road financially. Deciding what to do. For now I can't decide, so the fork is still there for a while I guess. 
I need to have so much more behind me before I even THINK of embarking upon MORE credit from the Bank (to build a cabin to rent). 
It's just not clear nor does it feel SAFE to do so atm. 

Musings for today. Kids all coming soon to help Alexa with her Research Study for her Thesis. 
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Much better than real tennis, I'm far too nerdy for sport!

I suspect there is some schema stuff involved in that relationship. The unhealthy dynamic and unreasonable expectations bear some resemblance to certain family relationships you started out with. Whether we want to or not, before recognising and actively working against the pattern, we do tend to attract the sorts of people we've been hurt by in the past. The good news is, you can change that pattern and choose to keep only the relationships that are good and healthy.

It's understandable you are still shaky from that triggering experience, EM. A lot of pain and fear has been stirred up, it can be really hard to wrestle that stuff out of the driver's seat.

I don't have the answers re your financial concerns, I don't have enough information and wouldn't expect you to divulge a lot of detail on a public forum. What I can give you is my understanding, I too get into a very bad mental space when my finances aren't stable. We both know what poverty feels like, we both have unreasonable situations threatening our security now. I hear you and I get it. 

Here for you, 

Blue.