new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Indeed yes the FUN of this zoo I live amongst lol. They're such beautiful animals and the pets are too! Hahaha. 

Re: my ginormous TO DO List... with ADHD in mind... 
I put ONE extra thing in per day / 2nd day in my phone Diary. 
I tried an actual list, it was too depressing lol. 
SO if I don't get to do that thing that day, I move it to another day... repeat lol. 
The Tax stuff was fine, no triggers. Some progress. The older kids living here are trying to book in times to tutor the younger kids to do their Tax Rs online. 
I have an Accountant lol. 

BLUE I DID IT! I walked into the RE Agency to speak to them about horrid neighbour. Omg I was triggering all the way there after work. Almost turned into my street instead, but knew I'd have to go thru all the shakes again on my next available day... in a week! 
Better to have it behind me, no matter what the outcome would be of their surprise meeting with me lol. 
THEY WERE AMAZING! Wonderful! Shocked, horrified in parts. 

Stuff I didn't tell you about involved his intention to commit fraud against ME and the owners. Yep, he TOLD me. (Don't want to expand but can a little, later). 
Also lying to them saying I was approaching them non stop about repairing the fence. 
I wasn't. I'd never set eyes on this person. 
He told me he was going to say that to the Agents, no matter what I said, because HE had a 10y relationship with the Agency so they'd believe him. 🤔
He had no idea WE have a 3 generation relationship with the Owners of the RE Agency. I have the Owners numbers in my phone contacts lol. 

Apparently it's in their Lease to not create any disharmony with the neighbours or some such... so yeah the racism, misogyny, threats of Courts - twice, sharing intention to harm animals... not harmonious. 

I just wanted the Agency to have the headsup about the fraud (being criminal) and lies about my demands (being untrue lol). 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Aw, kind words. Honestly, I'm not that different to have as an IRL friend, I mostly communicate by text, there might just be the odd beach trip added in - we sure both need one!

Boy, she's hoping for a lot that you can't provide, isn't she? Of course you can't do any of that, your cup well and truly runneth o'er as it is! I completely believe you about the stuff you went through, lawyers and barristers and so on stuffing things up. That 3% rule, honestly I'd call 3% of people being vaguely competent at what they do a pretty generous figure. You're right to have faith in yourself instead of anyone else. I'm finding the same. I wish it weren't so, I am exhausted.

Ultimately, M's struggles are her struggles. You can listen, you can advise, but ultimately it isn't your life to live and you don't have to give more to this than you can reasonably manage. You gave her the right advice and she could have made things easier on herself. I don't say that to be punitive, but realistically you tried to keep that car on the road, it's not your job to get it out of the ditch now.

Ah, the animals (human and otherwise). Life is better with them.

All the to-do list stuff is pretty familiar. Things still get by me all the time. Glad the tax stuff wasn't too, well, taxing.

Great work going to the RE agent, I'm proud of you. You think like I do, re just doing it rather than having to live through the same triggers again to try another day. Off with that Band-aid! Sounds like a productive meeting. Dude's definitely not living up to his lease stipulations about not stirring up trouble with neighbours. That really shouldn't need to be written into a lease. What a world we live in.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

What a world indeed. Ab Fab's words of wisdom sic "the rules are written for stupid people" as they were doing Community service for being stupid lol. Can't remember the word for that type of comedy but remember it was first noted in Ancient Greek texts.

Have we learnt in the last 7,000 years? 

I fell asleep "early", awake at 1am. Filling the bins, doing housework. Wrecked pillows OUT. Washing them in the washing machine had them fall apart, a SIGN! 

Our Chiro's ones suit me best. The kids like all different thicknesses, densities.. a family full of specificities lol. We have enough atm. I'd gone wild with buying VERY comfortable bedding for all of us at the onset of Covid, mainly for the kids learning from home (which meant in their warm beds lol). 

The horrid neighbour has triggered intrusive thoughts since (obviously by my posts lol). 
I recalled Brene "When all else fails (meaning she doesn't know how to react in the sitch).. I go back to the data"....
For me this meant making us safe. Big torches in their places. Cars locked. Outside sensor lights left on. Check and recheck on repeat. Not comfortable. 

The dear receptionist kept repeating (unsettling me very much), was "do you feel SAFE?"
Omg do I ever feel safe? I didn't say that. 
Eventually I said of course not. This person is threatening, sexist, misogynistic, racist & an animal hater. 

She later told me her sister works for Victims Services. I said "the BEST people on earth I've found" which I have. So compassionate, kind. SO helpful. God help them cope with all they listen to. 

M asked me exactly what happened to Yvette & the kids. 
I thought this monstrously intrusive. In fact HOW dare she ask that! Why NOW? I hate to think WHY she asked. 
I'm very disappointed to intuitively know these answers. Deeply disgusted. 
It's absolutely none of her business. 
I told her the truth.. page after page of disclosures I had to sign.. it was THE most horrible thing a mother would ever have to read... I totally dissociated... couldn't see the pages through running tears. Signed, flipped the pages, more BOLD words, thick dense lenses of tears.. 

I hope I can cope thru this.. I can feel the cracks opening. 
Love EM

[ecomama]

Thoughts on the body keeping score... 

The PTSD reaction I had around 10 days ago left me shaking quite severely.
It took 3 days for my body to settle from shaking.
But inside I could still feel a "zinging" feeling. 

One place continued shaking, my left hand thumb. 
I'd taken to doing what I did thru years of Courts... sleeping with my hands flat under my pillow to stop the shaking - or subdue it, so I could sleep. IF I could sleep. 45 mins at a time if I was lucky. 

I'm sharing this here with full purpose. I hadn't shared this in detail previously. 
Yesterday I showed my "close friend" at work how my thumb was shaking. Parkinson's had crossed my mind. 
She asked me about it, I spoke about the event briefly. 

Within an hour my thumb stopped shaking. 

I believe it hasn't come back, although I was sleeping with hand flat under pillow. 

Blue had pointed out that our MIs could develop because of the lack of support we had. I believe this 100%. 

Reaching out and telling your story to someone who is compassionate, even if they're being paid to be this way, may help. 
I Pray it does. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

The rules sure are written for stupid people. Thing about that is it's also true that once you account for that, someone makes a better idiot. Don't think we've learnt much in those 7000 years.

Comfy bedding (that isn't falling apart) is a must. We sleep on our sides, sometimes on our fronts, but low profile pillows, next to impossible to find, they're typically way too high and hurt our necks, leading to headaches and such. Amazing how something as simple as a pillow can really affect your quality of life.

I can only imagine how triggering that neighbour is, not what you need. Yes, back to the data. Protect your safety. Of course you are feeling unsafe with someone like that next door. Good to hear there is a service that's actually helping people, for sure they would need counselling themselves.

You had no obligation to answer that question from M. I expect if she knows you well she would know that isn't a good question to ask. It feels like your friendship is really being strained right now. If you need to step back to be okay, do it. Seems like you've got too many people around that are trying to drag you into their suffering. That's not the same as seeking support, not by a long shot.

Funny how those shakes stopped after you spoke to someone kind about what happened. I really do believe support makes all the difference. Some burdens are too big to hold on your own, but sometimes we get stuck with them all the same. Being heard, being cared for - that stuff really matters.

Kind thoughts, friend,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thanks Blue, your words of wisdom always help. Your validation of the situations here helps too. 

Sadly I know why M asked that incredibly intrusive question. The reason is disgusting really, almost as though I could create this scenario, which I would NEVER ever in a million years do. 
M hasn't said this to me but the track she was on made it very clear to me... she wants to "feed" this points to her own girls to falsely disclose events that didn't happen to her chn by their father. 

Yep I would never assist with anything like that. 

M must know now that I'm distancing myself. As I said to her, I would attend Court for the financial side for the day ie the conference when they nut out how much she's going to pay out. Anyway it's a long while till then and possibly won't occur if she pays him out earlier. 

My life is enough of a drama without creating MORE. Pfft no way. 

Well my cat threw up too now... I think the neighbour is throwing infected things into our garden. 
That's 2 vomiting animals in less than a week. 2 animals that NEVER get sick. Dog vomited once after getting into the KFC boxes 5y ago. That's all. 
Anyway that's all bs I can leave for now. 

My Counsellor is back in Oz next Monday, YAY! I have an appt on Tues afternoon lol and not a minute too early. 
Thankfully she's still willing to have phone consults but she'd prefer to actually SEE me, so that'll be on the agenda I guess. Can't complain. She's freaking awesome! She processes what I say so precisely, then gives incredibly interesting feedback. I'm so grateful for her, I struck gold there! 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: unqualified people running MH workshops at WORK. 

Crazy notion but it's happening at our work. I'm feeling SO exposed about it!

The meeting was yesterday afternoon with the ENTIRE staff... 55+ people. 

TODAY 11 people called in sick. THE MOST off work in one day we've had since I've been working there c13y. 

I think other people felt very exposed too. 

The unqualified person running the workshop... (who does that??) demanded that everyone PRINT out and bring in their PERSONAL results from a very intrusive survey (the site was written by MH professionals BUT)... 

then she demanded we SHARE them in groups! 

WHAT! 

Parts of this bs is comedic tbh... the program loaded a HUGE (70+ page) feedback package in response to our personal results for US to develop MH GOALS lol... and they told us NOT to print these out at work. 
LOLOLOL. We had to print them out at HOME and work on this. 

Talk about making people go insane lol. 
11 people off work today. 

Wouldn't it be AMAZING if workplaces WERE Actually and I mean ACTUALLY concerned about our MH and supporting us to IMPROVE our MH... by letting us print the MH package at work lol. The package THEY told us to work on in our OWN time! 
WORK! "in our own time" omg. 

That's NUTS. 

Btw my results were GREAT! Even this is awful because OTHERS saw mine were great and were wtf? 

Yep. Nuts. 

LOVE EM

[ecomama]

Update 2 (sorry guys lol): 

And if that wasn't enough, I'm almost laughing about this now it's SO stupid! ... my low scores on the MH fandango thing were in the MEANING parts. I disagree tbh... but this encompassed things like self care ok.. spending time doing things I WANT to do lol... righto! 

SO I told my colleagues about me painting my Buddha... with unwanted nail polish. (Mind you I'm the rare one at work without false nails)... 

The gossip mill was working over time... pfft.... I was criticised for doing so today in the lunch room. I was ridiculed and made fun of... Yeah don't worry, I have a VERY strong back bone where awful people are concerned. 

HOW ridiculous! 

I DO things that my MH package directed me to do... self care, art, spending time in play mode, choosing something I WANT to do... then I'm relentlessly criticised by idiots? 

The thing is I am NEVER this way to others at work. 

It's a MASSIVE learning curve to me like a BANG today. I'm chucking a Brene at MYSELF lol...sic "the thing is, only care about what SOME people say... the people who love you, faults and all, those people who HAVE YOUR BACK". 

The best feedback for all our bosses SHOULD have been when the speaker (all fluffy with pride) asked "so with all this support for your MH here and IF you were given a choice, who sees themselves still working here in 5 years?".... 

NO ONE put up their hand. 
LOL! 
I and many others MAY work there for beyond 5y... but this told ME that no one wants to. 

Ah such is life lol. 

My kids want to take their pay to Spotlight tonight! Lol... then go Bowling. Such Mentally Healthy teenagers. 
I'm doing lots right, I don't care what the unqualified person thinks. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Quick one tonight, we're having a rest day today after a pretty harrowing day yesterday. I've been a bit inundated with messages and stuff, feeling a little overwhelmed. Just wanna go play my game for a while, be immersed in something else.

Yeah, with that suspicion in mind, I wouldn't be disclosing anything to M, either. Even without it, that's your private information to share or not as is appropriate for you.

Very concerning about your pets throwing up, I know you will be doing all you can to protect them.

What the heck re work? That is wildly inappropriate. Do you guys have a union? I'd be taking it to them, no-one at work has any reason to know anything personal about you at all unless you choose to disclose it. The whole business sounds extremely intrusive and unnecessary. Of course people were calling in sick, and not wanting to still work there in 5 years time. As for being bullied about things disclosed in such a meeting, again that's a union matter. No-one should ask for details like that in a workplace context, no-one needs to know them, and certainly no-one has the right to comment on things you have been inappropriately pushed to disclose. None of this is okay.

Okay, game time for Blue, need me some self care. I'll get back to the other threads another time.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Sweet cheeses! 

A son just surprised me by saying he's bringing his new girlfriend over to meet me for the first time! 

I thought she was coming over for dinner to meet ALL of us next Thursday night.... omg.... it's just going to be ME here... Yvette is asleep lol, the other kids are at work and out... 

Ummm I guess I need to get out of my PYJAMAS! Holeeee. 

Buddha stuff with a thousand nail polish bottles all over the table lol... 

Well this is "me"! 

The thing is that this son went thru it all last night meeting HER family and it's incredible their family has much in common with ours so far. Single dad raising kids his kids. No contact with other parent etc. 

I'm nervous... 
Wish us all luck.

Love EM