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Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.
my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!
happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂
I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.
I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.
I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.
Thanks for reading.
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Hey EM,
You, going against the grain? What a concept! (Says me, as though I don't do it on a regular basis.) Thats said, it's just as possible your post got eaten by a technical glitch, that happens sometimes, too. I won't expand on my thoughts beyond that, I expect you know what they are.
Im not really in any groups as such, but I can say that the stuff I'm reading and the people I connect with at all on social media have been validating and uplifting. There are certainly unhelpful posts and articles and people (by which I mean outright negative/vitriolic, not so much that I'm leaning into confirmation bias), I'm choosing distance from those.
I see what you're saying about my psych, she wouldn't be the first I've "fired". Sadly she's the best I've had so far, and I'm not exactly satisfied. I can let her go, sure, but the remaining problem is that I need a diagnosis from *someone* to access stuff like NDIS support. That has me starting over yet again to find a "professional", and I have found that a bit of a mess every time. On this particular matter, I know from others in my place it can be a long and painful journey. Not sure I have the energy for it. 😕
As for healing, that comes in different forms. I think for me, some of that has to be putting less pressure on myself to perform at the capacity of someone without my particular set of challenges. Some help will be needed, if I can get it, to not be driven into the ground by basic survival stuff and allow room for the real healing work to be done. Tricky.
I can totally relate to your experience with doctors and mental health practitioners and very much agree we are often served better by walking away. It pays to trust our own judgement.
Kind thoughts,
Blue.
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Yes hahaha, Let's go with the benefit of the doubt angle! LOL!
I can READ YOUR MIND Blue! hahaha.
As indeed I'm pretty confident YOU can read mine! So funny....
in light of this >>> "some of that has to be putting less pressure on myself"...
I want to replace that with this >>> all of everything is here now. I can relax in the knowledge that all we need is here now.
Can you do an EASY exercise for me lol no it's not much physical effort, just a TON of belief!
3 pieces of paper. ALL going on your fridge OR my favourite behind the loo door lol.
REword these as you wish, remaining in the POSITIVE.
INTENTION as the heading of each page LOL!
* (I love asterisks because they look like STARS! And stars are wondrous, just like each of us are lol)
* HELP is here for me
* HELP flows freely and easily to us all!
* Everyone I call greets with me willingness to HELP me! YAY!
* the HELP we receive is ALWAYS exactly what we need.
Next page:
* I can relax in the knowledge and CERTAINTY that all people are HELPING us.
* I can breathe easily and DEEPLY in the knowledge that all people LOVE helping us! Isn't that lovely!
* The path to RECEIVE all help is clear and I SEE this clear path for us!
Next page:
* my shoulders are deeply relaxed. I can FEEL my shoulders moving as I roll them back. I can lift them UP, I can push them BACK, I can move them forwards and backwards as I FEEL complete movement in my shoulders.
* repeat for any other body part.
* I am GRATEFUL for the free movement of my body. I am THANKFUL for the ease in which I enjoy my day.
4 days. All day or whenever you visit the loo! Hahaha.
You won't want to stop because as things unfold you'll want to keep this up!
And you have free will lol. Stay tuned for the UPdate!
Love EM! xxxx
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UPdate! allowing can FEED into the vortex of our INTENTIONS.
This morning I was woken at 4am with a mind FULL of force urging me to WRITE write write all that was coming to me. I tried to go back to sleep and ignore it all. LOL!
I was being pushed to WAKE UP and WRITE!
I gave in and WROTE!
It could only be described as coming from "source".
These ideas have potentials to bring financial wealth virtually immediately.
Everything is in alignment to begin.
The precipitating impulses in the previous 48 hours were:
* Meditating more than 3 times per day
* Intending to bring my Meditative state in to my every moment
* NOTICING when I drop off this vibrational level
* Making a mental note of key words to avoid that disrupt this vibration (lol last night's word was 'arrogance' LOL! I used it here)
* Knowing that abundance is abound
* FEELING the joy, bliss, happiness and EXCITEMENT of having received all in my vortex
* Seeing all things as it's already happened.
A person I love dearly came to my home in despair, grief, distress, anguish, incoherence on Wed night.
The tears flowed like waterfalls. Sobbing on and on.
The news they shared was distressing to most, previously I would have been too.
How I responded: held space. Listened. Gave hugs intermittently. Confirmed emotions they were feeling.
I attended with detachment from my own feelings, almost 100% of the time. I knew this time was coming, to push my new learning lol.
Remained calm.
Midnight when they left, I wrote a 3 page letter to them FULL of GRATITUDE!
I wrote exactly HOW I SAW them.
Took lunch to them the next day. Felt GRATITUDE. Meditated several times that day.
Performed tasks all day with ease.
Then today BAM, 4am. Unstoppable flowing ideas.
Alignment bringing prosperity!
Love to all
EMxxxx
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Hey EM,
In some ways we can read each other's minds, certainly. In others, not so much.
You asked me to reframe my thinking to: "I can relax in the knowledge that all we need is here now." Sorry, but nope. Because it isn't. I'm all for appreciating what I have and making the most of it. I'm also all for keeping an eye on what needs to change and encouraging the thought process needed to achieve that change.
Oh dear, EM, I'd have much rathered homework that required physical effort. I know the good in your intenent, but I'm afraid you really haven't read my mind on this. Remember how I can't stand inspirational quotes? That goes quadruple for affirmations. I do know how much these things have helped you, that you look into the future and to what you hope for when you look at phrases such as those you wrote and asked me to hang up in my house.
I'm afraid it's very different for me. When I look at inspirational quotes and at affirmations, what I see is blatant denial of current truth, and the wild injustice of the difference between how things should be and how they actually are. When I look at them I am filled with loathing and rage. Certainly this is not your experience or your intent for me, however putting affirmations on my walls or doors would definitely, significantly harm my efforts to come back to a more positive place. Indeed looking at them for just a few moments has unsettled me deeply. They are not for me.
I'm not unaware my thinking has a negative bias, I know what you're seeing when I speak. As such, though, getting to a positive place needs to happen in a way my kind of thinking can accept and believe, it can't be forced. Trying to shoehorn happy thoughts in there makes me waaaaay more negative. In this way, my friend, you and I are very different, and I ask you to accept that I just have to do things my way. My way is through action, and with action slowly tipping the balance back to the direction I need my life to point in. Oftentimes that action is precipitated by a period of anger and unrest. It's not fun, but destruction always comes before renewal - it's my process and it's valid.
I hope your distressed loved one is doing a bit better, today.
Kind thoughts,
Blue.
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It's ALL okay Blue.
Just FYI that's the entire point!
TO change things, we have to change our thinking, completely.
Anyhow I'm not here to argue for someone else's life.
My loved one is doing SO MUCH better. They flew interstate today lol. The very next day, after I wrote the 3 page letter of gratitude for them without telling them, they went around their house they're standing to lose and THANKED everything about the house, inside and out. It's a rental, homelessness a real possibility.
Their dreams, goals and outlook on life all align so closely with mine. Today they texted about 2 ideas that could support resolution. We texted 2 back! LOL.
So within 36 hours there's a turn around.
SO GRATEFUL!
Wishing you all the best
EMxxxx
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Hey Blue, Grandy, Kitty, Croix, Rx and everyone reading,
Just letting you all know I'm taking a hiatus from the forums. It's been on my mind to leave for a while now.
Time and focus is required to launch and build our businesses.
Not to mention returning to Yoga, surfing and kayaking LOL!
I have 3 real life friends who are accepting terminal illness diagnoses and one who's had a triple bypass who ISN'T! I want to spend time with these friends who've been part of my life for over 50y.
Wow, time has flown, I don't want to miss a second of it!
I'm grateful for each of them, they're so precious to me.
My entire family and BFs family are super excited as we plan a HUGE family trip to the States to attend a Dr Joe Dispenza 7 day event ALL TOGETHER!
It'll be the first time both families have met, what a wonderful way to meet!
BF wants to buy a home in Hawaii for a "half way house" for both families, I'm super cool with that. We'll be looking on the way home.
I want to thank each and every one of you for your online friendship and support throughout my journey to mental HEALTH.
I admire each of you and hope you always strive for improved mental health. It's SO worth it!
Love EMxxxx
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EM
I can understand why you need to leave and wish you the best. You have helped so many people on the forums and in your time here you have changed and drained so much self awareness. All the best for your future.
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Hello Em
You will be missed... all the best lass for all your new adventures
Hugs
Paws
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Hello Dear ecomama,
I am going to miss you…I have always believed that people don’t have to meet in r/l to become true friends…and I found that friendship in you…
I wish you every success and happiness in life….you are one awesome women, who has come a long way since you first posted here and have me and lots of other beautiful community members….
A little gift I want to give you…it’s a crystal jar that full of comforting hugs…if ever your in need of a hug…just open the lid and think of us all here…..
Until we speak again dear ecomama…and I’m sure you will, can I give you my blessing for a wonderful life….
My love, hugs and care sweet ecomama…💕🤗🦋..
Grandy..
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Hey EM,
You are in a new phase of your life at the moment. Your mind is in a place that no longer aligns with all the struggle you see here on the forums and perhaps you feel being here is dragging you down. I understand that, sometimes you have to choose your own direction and just go where you need to go.
For what it's worth, our discussions over all this time have been helpful and enlightening and I hope they were for you as well.
I wish you peace and happiness and success in your endeavours. Make the most of that precious time with your family and with those friends who have such dire diagnoses - I know of course how very valuable that time is, as I am making the best of my own time with LM.
Kind thoughts as always,
Blue.