new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hi Blue, it's like I can see excitement through your words, a lot of "aha" experiences and the empowering feeling we get when we realise "we are not alone", that's great! 

Excuse me? lol ASD ramblings? 
Lol oh goodness. An exploration into Blue territory sounds brighter! hahaha. 

I could be setting the bar quite high lol by Blessing demon with love but don't get carried away by thinking it was love the verb hahaha. 
Just a light pink bubble around it as it walked down a path AWAY from all of us! 
THAT kind of love. 
Like ahhhh now pick off as quickly as my gentle meditation will allow hahaha. 
It's not the kind of "forgiveness" where I pick up the phone and rekindle anything! Although I have felt that what IT has wanted recently. Nup. NO. 

I just realised that NONE of the boys got any cards, they were super crappy lol with ACTUAL ramblings attempting to guilt and shame my kids into carrying out make believe duties, for their birthdays. 
What BLISS! 
A more wonderful bliss will be TAP DANCING on stone in the very near future lol. 
Perhaps I need to work on forgiveness more hahaha. Once I Master this gig I'll teach you how hahaha. 

I Saw on the  S-C thread that you are MEDITATING omg, seriously it can be addictive! 
AND lifting weights to help strengthen you? 

AND AND! there are TWO HUGE Huntsman spiders having a ball inside ours atm lol. The very MOMENT I saw them I knew something BIG was happening with you, as they're Alexa's mobs sign for empowering women! 

Have TWO kids going for Management Interviews on Monday! I'll share on my next Update what Yvette is going to say and it's freaking A MAZING! 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update! omg next level stuff on ALL levels! 
I want to credit the Meditations by Dr Joe, Abraham and TONS of clips I've watched with them and Oprah. 
Just a Heasup lol I haven't used medications or substances. 

PHYSICAL HEALTH
~ I can now EAT things I haven't been able to for years. Digestion is working so well! 
~ all pain in my sternum has dissipated. 
~ my (broken umm now fixed? lol) back is supporting me with ease. 

MENTAL / PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH
~ I feel HEALED; handling every situation with ease and quite a bit of chuckling away BECAUSE I see myself as the Observer of the conversations. That's why it's so funny and FUN! 
~ The EXCITEMENT I'm feeling has me feeling tingly all over my body, like HEALING is occurring everywhere. 
~ Synchronicity is still occurring all day every day.

I have the impulse to join a Yoga class.  

KIDS 
~ wow. This week the ACs are all taking their kids to Canberra for a "family holiday" together! 
~ Alexa is STILL all in on developing my idea! 
~ TWO kids are going for spur of the moment interviews for Management Positions on MONDAY! Yvette isn't even old enough lol but everything will be done so she can BEGIN IN Management the say she turns 18yo omg. 
~ Yvette is saying that her reason for being in Management is that because she's part of the LGBTQ+ Community, she wants representation of her community at this level AND to have more women at this level too - a double whammy of PRIDE! YAY!! 
~ all kids on their Ls are acknowledging their own vulnerability to be COURAGEOUS and ask others to help with their L hours too, wow. 

~ the NEIGHBOURS have been peaceful lol!!! Ahh so funny. 

One thing I've noticed. When I'm without a Meditation session I feel a tightening in my chest and unable to take a full breath, at times. 
Then I Meditate and breathe expansively and fully... so in conclusion lol....
things are always working out for me! Now I'm in the receptive mode I've noticed that many many things I care about coming into place at the same time! 

Loving this! 
EMxxxx 

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

So many "aha" moments. If I'm to be honest, I'm still feeling pretty alone with it, but at least I'm figuring out some whys and wherefores. I say "ASD ramblings" because I know once I latch onto a topic (I would say "special interest" in this case) I dive hard into it and go on about it and think and speak of little else. LM is overwhelmed and can't process it any more, has asked me to ease up on it a bit though he does care. No-one else seems to want to listen at all, or if they do (such as yourself) I am finding technical problems and the like are eating my words and not allowing me to share them. I feel ready to explode for lack of being able to just talk about it!

Oh, I was under no delusions about what you meant re demon. I still think being able to think of him with anything other than revulsion and vitriol is progress. Of course you don't want to rekindle anything. Forgiving someone and inviting them to come back and do more damage are two entirely different things! You can free yourself of hate without being gullible or naive.

Haha, I hear what you're saying about tap dancing on stone. A work in progress, this forgiveness. I love your sense of humour.

Yup, meditating and doing a little weight lifting and such. I haven't done much exercise at home previously because I was getting more than enough of it at work, but now I'm home all the time I can feel the physical inactivity doing me harm. My body was getting less strong and capable. So of course I want to work on that. Inactivity doesn't suit me!

Interesting about the huntsman spiders. They're creepy looking but also kinda pretty.

Best of luck to your young ones in their interviews. I bet they'll do great.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, ramble away here, I'm all good with it! 

I'm super happy you're aware of the need to strengthen yourself physically. 
Whatever you do for this aim will all serve you well throughout time. 

The spiders are HUGE but yeah very cute lol. 

The facts about the wiring of our brains and that our brain is making new connections and GROWING every day, everyone KNOWS this. 
So taking this premise then we can also KNOW that we have control over the wiring, when we take control. 
Our mind doesn't "control us" unless we let it! 
When WE control our minds and even more... OPEN our minds to the quantum field of infinite possibilities then everything blows wide open! 

Tbh I had a vision about you Blue & a message I'll put in italics below.
Searching info on ASD sites and JOINING a group. I want to give you the headsup... be aware that falling INto groups such as these can do a various path of things to a person. 
Having the INTENTION of being EMPOWERED by this information is a good mindset to have. 

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: expanding my consciousness more and more! 

The NOTICING of things happening around me is fantastic feedback that I'm on the right track! 

My vibrational state is spreading to those around me. I don't even have to SAY anything, just BE. 
I've intentionally brought my meditative state into my conscious awareness. I'm only learning how to do this but already I'm seeing CRAZY differences in the people and world around me. I can only list a few lol... 

On the way back from the beach, 30 mins away. When we got home, Yvette said "How did I KNOW we'd get all green lights!" We did. It's really funny what's happening. 

Meditating on forgiveness to RELEASE people from my past, from the weight on my mind. 
I found compassion the best way. Now I've done it lol. It happened in ONE DAY. 
I feel SO LIGHT. 

I'm driving to, visiting, interacting with people at places that used to trigger me so much that I avoided like the black plague lol! Now I have literally forgotten about any feelings about any of the places. 
Not a hint of fear, nothing! 
I'm just going here or there to do what I need to do or have FUN! 

The HEALING conversations at work are spreading! People are leaning in to having really deep convos. I've even walked in to see 2 people CRYING! They came to me later individually and explained the HEALING from that conversation omg! JUST what I was visualising. 

BF WANTS TO COME TO a Dr Joe EVENT with us all! I'm SO HAPPY! Like a Christian person feels when a person is 'saved by coming to Jesus' lol. 
Yesterday I told him about the "I feel like a fat bellied Buddha chuckling away at anything people say to me". He said "Be careful, people will think you've gone crazy lol". This is EXACTLY how Yogis and others say things happen with them. 
I'm not a Yogi or Buddha lol. I'm me. 

I found a Yoga Class I can attend after Christmas if they're still running. I LOVED the vibe of looking over the sea to do Yoga. That's what I visualised. I can do that here on my balcony but the CLASS I saw does this! 
7am on my Leave! That's FAITH! Hahaha. It's a 30 min drive away. 

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: consciousness SPREADING. 

As below things are happening around me in a "quickening". 

I'm AMAZED that both my children succeeded in their Management Interviews today. 
They only had 2 days' notice to prepare! It was sprung on them, without any warning lol. 

Yvette was so anxious about it all to begin with. We turned these anxious feelings into energy that would WORK for her! 
She studied her eyeballs out. 
I brought up a Bible concept. 
We do all we can, without exception, then relax and hand it over with our BEST INTENTIONS clear in our mind and heart. 

So we went to the BEACH! Hahaha. This is the opposite of the way me or any of my children previously handled things in the past. 

Yvette is now one of the youngest people in this Company to ever have been accepted into Management! 
To think that she was the child of mine who'd experienced the worst harm, the worst of everything imo. 

The feedback to her was "You don't have anything to work on, you had all positive scores on every question". This was from the BIG boss! Who is critical about all darned things lol. 
Her actual boss, one step lower, joined her up into the Management Chat BEFORE the Interview! That's how confident she was that Yvette would PASS! LOLOLOL! 

My other son was like "Yeah I knew I'd pass" lol. OKAY! That's awesome lol. 

I've been tossing around the idea of having a VISION BOARD instead of a folder to flick through. 
Having ALL the visions I see in my future, creating it all NOW, I'd like in my face as much as possible. 

And my brother picked up the washing machine out of the blue yesterday which helps CLEAR out downstairs! 
I hadn't even contacted him about it lol. 

Yay. 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Tuesday's Update: I'm so excited for everything, what an INCREDIBLE feeling! I'm SO grateful. 

Went to the Chiro after work. I "had" a "broken back" remember way back then? lol. 
Not living in the past any more. Changing my language has been a funny thing to do. 

My blood pressure is great lol, not sure if I'm even surprised any more with any new things happening in ANY sectors of my earthly flesh suit experience lol. 

One HUGE realisation was that last night was the FIRST night in perhaps 5 years that my feet didn't throb when I was going to sleep. I wiggled my feet about and thought hmmm? Ummm this way? Hmmm wow, okay, this way? nope no discomfort. What a dreamy sleep I had ahhh lol. 
All night and day long, my feet are feeling AWESOME! 

Our Chiro spoke to me about how Yvette is "a NEW person", woosh that was amazing to hear! 
I took her down to the Chiro last week and he was blown away about how totally different she was! Hahaha. 

I've been talking to her a lot about stuff and texting her some YT clips I think she could relate to. 
Talks by Oprah about Aligning our INTENTION of what we want to do to make a difference in the world for others, with our soul's intention. Then in the middle is our personality and WHO we are creating ourselves to BE. Now. 

Creating our future self is done NOW. 
Align these 3 and WATCH this space! 

Oprah said something I can definitely relate to.... imagine your BEST life, then rest assured knowing that God will has seen your life FAR better than you can imagine. 

Oprah also said keeping this in mind, all you need to do is to take the NEXT BEST STEP. That's all! 

Yvette was paralysed with fear about catching public transport (bec of demon)... this went on for the past 7y. 
She would get to work up to 4h EARLY rather than catch a bus etc. Or cancel her shift. 

Yesterday she caught a bus home from her interview lol. 
WALKED to Dancing lessons omg. 
Then caught a bus TO work today. 

She's also seldom spoken UP esp to superiors at work. 
Lol today she told one boss NOT to schedule her on a "close" Mon-Thurs because "my mum needs less burdens" WOW. 
Not a word about this to her and she just DID that lol. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I've been able to have a ramble on my thread, finally. I've also had the good fortune to make a new online friend recently, who didn't know much about ASD but who was willing to listen. He helped a lot. What hasn't helped is my psych, even after admitting she's no expert on autism, reducing my concerns to a one-question test (which is typically given to children & done so among many other tests and observations and self-or-guardian reported information) and asserted that "people with autism don't get that right". She was very condescending. Logically I know this has no bearing on all the research I've done or what I know in myself. What I feel, though - invalidated, stupid, small, not a part of that group that needs help for the same reasons I do... It's a lot, I'm struggling a bit to stabilise after that experience, mostly because I don't trust "professionals" to behave professionally whilst I have to rely on them for a diagnosis to get any help. Aaargh!

Okay, rant over. Yes, I know I need to strengthen myself with targetted exercise. I actually really enjoy it so far, though I know I'll need to work out a diverse range of exercises to shake up my routine and keep it interesting. Funny you mentioned yoga classes, I had considered something like that myself to help keep me on track. Leaning more toward tai chi, but that isn't offered in my area. I've gained some useful exercise ideas from tai chi videos at least.

Funny about brain wiring, synaptic pruning is a lot less prevalent in people with ASD and ADHD, old connections tend to remain even as new ones are formed. The indication is that is why we think associatively and in greater depth/detail about a lot of things. I'm all for training where that stuff goes, but on the flip side I enjoy, because of that natural development, how deeply I can dive into a topic and understand it like no-one around me.

I think what you're saying about joining groups is that they can be either empowering or toxic, and you don't want to see me swept up into the latter? Hey, me neither! I have curated my experience with stuff like social media posters I follow to keep with the ones who are trying to make life better and be included and inclusive. That's super important to me.

I knew your kids would do just fine in their interviews. Tell them congrats!

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey there Blue! Lol me thinks the BB Brains Trust did not like my response to you last night lol! 

Didn't think I was breaking any rules but there it is. 

Perhaps I'm going against the grain. Ahhh that's how I've ALWAYS been. 
It's 100% for these reason why I'm healed and keep getting better and better. 

So if the site is called "Beyond Blue", it's a shame there's not much beyond the blues on the forums.  

That was the premise of my concerns about joining up any groups Blue. Sure observing any changes in your thoughts that could DIP your emotions. I would hope that any groups would not limit you. 

That's it in a nutshell. 

I also want to say that if you feel frustrated by anything external you hope and think may help you eg your psych sessions etc, then perhaps it's time to let them go. 
If they're not WITH you and supporting you? 
Then they're not helping you. 

If you want to be healed, you will be healed with or without any specific personality in your life. 

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: "remembering the past without any emotional charge attached, is called wisdom." Dr Joe Dispenza.  

If you're reading this, know with full confidence that you CAN be healed. 

Early posts with a specialist trauma psych, I just realised, that my experience with that person could be taken both ways lol! 
My INTENTION was "to be able to recall any & all past events, like a filing system, without any emotional charge attached". I shared this intention. I attained this MOSTLY without them. 

Session 1 she didn't think I HAD PTSD at all. 
I presented well, spoke coherently.
I completed many assessments. 
She phoned me SHOCKED, OBVIOUSLY I know myself better than anyone else, saying, "the good news is that you don't have depression!" then waited. I said "I know, that's what I told you". She said you don't sound shocked! 
Why would I when I know my self? 

Cheeses. Seriously? Psych friend said, many patients LIE to their practitioners. I said WHY? I don't want any practitioner to try to HEAL A FALSE REPRESENTATION of myself! LOL! I want them to help heal ME. 

2nd bit of "news". "The bad thing is that not only do you HAVE PTSD, you have the worst form of it, COMPLEX PTSD". I said I know that, that's why sought YOUR help. 
Quite like the GP I told I was pregnant said "You don't tell ME you're pregnant! I TELL YOU!". 

I was carrying MULTIPLE babies. I KNEW I was pregnant.

The arrogance of some people. 

People who think they know YOU better on their first meeting than you know yourself lol. 

Anyhow I shut off the "trauma psychs 'advice'" after 3 sessions. Went 1-2 more times but was hearing what she said from a detached perspective. Trying to reel me in with unsubstantiated "facts" she felt like saying (with NO basis), that I would never heal (as I was healing measurably in front of her) & a whole lot of other gobshyte. 

Let go of things that don't serve your higher purpose, your GOALS, your intentions, your LIFE. 

There are FAR BETTER things beyond these. 

Love EM