new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Tony, lol loved the analogy about the cleaners. I ALWAYS thank the cleaners at our workplace and they're surprised by this. 
But indeed I have had my financial situation put back by decades, about 30y. I was always horrified at the sheer wanton recklessness, greed and super stealthy ways demon got hold of every cent I had... but later when other diagnosed him as a psychopath and I did research on this... 
well I'm thankful my kids and I are alive. 

I resolved this horrible shock and depression by practicing GRATITUDE all day and night. 

Cup on the full side right? hahaha. 
I'm resolved to working till I'm 100 or beyond lol but doing even more spiritual practices and this week I had an AHA moment of a great Business to start. Alexa & I will begin this after she completes her Honours Studies.

The Divine tapping in to raise us up to our highest potential, I was open to it, so it happened. 

Yeah last night I realised that most of these many practices, are now HABIT. 
Most I don't have to remind myself of at all throughout the day now. That's GREAT progress! 
It shows me that my brain has been effective at synaptic pruning, which is the best thing to happen. 
This broke the habitual cycle of the other yuck thinking that anxiety and depression is when we're unwell. 
Dr Joe helped with this lol. 

I'll be good when the kids leave home, if they do lol. Tbh now I'm excited when thinking about it. It doesn't take long for me to turn negative thinking into positive. 

I'm sorry your D had to stop work due to MHIs. There's HOPE for her if she decides! 

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, I know there's no time off for you. You're on 24/7/366 duty. Rude when people don't contact for a cancellation, grrr. 

50kg is scary for a 6ft man! I chuckled at the "can't have veg till you've eaten your chocolate" lol. 

Re: BF & our LDR. I simultaneously DON'T want to think about things but also need to gain my own clarity.  
Oh I've brought it up plenty but it's near impossible to set times to talk bec next minute he's flying out somewhere and I'm taken away by my obligations... seems too contrived. 
We've come a long way though ugh... in the beginning he would say I'm busy doing something, I'll call you in 10. Then HOURS later, sometimes 6h later! He'd call.. 

It's like it's his FAVOURITE time of the day, so he wants it as a finish. While it's IN my day and I'm frustrated to  have no freedom. 

For now I am looking at my weekend days as whatever I want to do (with obligations of course lol) and if it fits then I'll call or answer. It'll be a slow progression for me to create my days NOT around 5h of talking on the phone with him.

Anyhow I had a BRILLIANT idea this week. I need a Psych to sign off on it lol, so when Alexa's completed her Honours she's agreed to do this with me. She LOVES the idea (and she's pretty blunt when I share my ideas if she thinks they're off). There isn't an Australian version of this program and it's frustrating to use the overseas models. SO WE'RE WRITING one! Then selling it. 
It could take 1 - 2y to write because we have to do trials and studies to validate it. All good. 

Today? I'm going back to bed for a NAP. Was up at 5am to drive kids to work, did some housework, forums etc. 

Oh I think my throat has cleared up OMG!! 7 weeks of it ugh.. the Arnica throat spray & pillules + Liposomal Vit C worked. Plus gargling Cepacaine. Hallelujah hahaha. 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yeah, the last thing I need is to be going places I don't need to be around everything I'm already struggling with. It was an appointment with my counsellor, too, which would have been handy about now with all that's on my mind. Anyway, I didn't let the time go to waste, I took the opportunity to go buy myself some new clothes and some groceries. Now I'm not working and wearing my uniform most of the times I leave the house I need some more everyday clothes, so it was good to get some new pants.

Thankfully he's closer to 60kg now but still dropping. We don't want him getting down to 50kg again, so it's damage control. Turns out his meds have caused diabetes on top of everything else and he's not metabolising sugars and carbs properly. We'll be seeing someone soon about how to manage that (they still want him to have his choccies before he can have his veggies!).

I get what you mean about it being hard to schedule your calls, but you don't have to stay on there for 5 hours, that's not really doable around all your responsibilities. What if it were just 1 or 2 hours? If he knows he doesn't have forever to ramble, he might keep to more important topics than the minutiae that frustrate you so much, too. Win-win. Just a thought.

Cool that you had an idea that's inspired both you and Alexa. Can't say I'm not curious, but I'm sure you'll tell me all about it if/when you deem it appropriate. I hope it goes well for you.

Great that you had a nap when you needed it. Even better that your throat seems to be behaving itself finally. That's a long time to be sick. Whatever works, I'm just glad you're feeling better.

I've asked LM to organise an outing with a friend very soon, as I'm losing my mind from lack of time alone. It's an ongoing struggle to maintain my mental health around his need for me, especially as he gets somewhat anxious when I'm not close by at this stage because he does depend on me so much. The few supports we have that we can trust to look after him when I'm not around are regularly falling by the wayside with their own health and mental illnesses, which has really left us feeling like there's no point asking anyone for anything. Willingness to help and ability to do so aren't the same thing. It's incredibly frustrating.

Kind thoughts to you and anyone else reading,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, you nailed life atm, ppl are willing, not able. So frustrating. So many people say "Look at ALL the services around now blah blah" but until you're IN the situation to desperately NEED those services, you'd never know how near impossible access to any are. 

Same with friendships in my world too. I got the rude awakening years ago. We're totally on our own, but I'm aware I'm not in your same situation. Hugs! 

THE program, yeah could reveal too much about me if I expanded much more. Weighing up how much to reveal just gave me another idea for it. The ideas for it are flowing freely now. We could do an Australian specific one & a more general one to sell to the U.S., Canada, New Zealand, possibly the U.K. but they've got a better handle on this stuff than the others. 
A while to wait before Alexa's ready to start, perhaps later this year. I'm VERY excited about it. It should sell very well, then we could be pushed into levels of wealth we'd easily become accustomed to! Hope we persevere.

Re: BF, remember when I had a big shock a few weeks ago? It was about BF. 
We kept talking just the same way, with the elephant there, every day for hours during my Leave (& his)... but seeing his side of thinking we'll ALL simply pack up & move there is far fetched. 
Anyway it's an unfolding saga that feels like the series "Bleak House" if I remember lol. 
Tedious & wearing. He knows when he gets way off track talking about the most insignificant things in detail but I've been patient, too patient. 

When all I REALLY want to do is live and stay in a state of raised vibrations. 
Apparently I do this for HIM ie raise him UP. But now, for me, he brings me down. WAY down sometimes. 

My life literally can't afford any more of this down turn. 

I have SO MUCH to achieve. So many exciting goals and plans - dreams to bring into fruition. Just for my life alone. Even today, just BEING and going with the flow, was freaking amazing lol. I didn't speak with BF today. 

I've been tossing up whether I ever want another live in relationship again. Not sure I do. More sure I don't lol. 
Not that there's any choice atm. It's like a "holiday romance" set up at best! 

All fine btw lol
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: MH diagnoses. 

Looks like P.Son and now Yvette are ready to see a Psychologist mainly to have Autism assessments. 
Yep never a dull moment at ours. 

P.Son first asked me whether I thought he had Autism when he was 12yo! 
I didn't think he did back then, then I observed him more with this in mind. 

It's so hard to see the forest for the trees when you're their mum. 
I can REALLY see it in P.Son now he's older. Plus had that added trauma more recently which seemed to accentuate his manifestations of Autism. 
Yvette well if she thinks so, perhaps she is. 

I'm absolutely certain demon had high functioning Autism with the added very awful disorders. In addition to this, his childhood was full of denied neglect and abuse with highly religious, narc parents. The way they acted you wouldn't THINK they believed in a God of any type, but there it is lol. 

Thank God on the other hand that I was nurturing to the kids when I was here! Spent years Home Schooling them + running multiple businesses from home to do this. 
Then bumped back into my career when they went to school, the time when the worst abuse took place ie in my absence from home. 

Thankfully the kids and I are past that abuse in most ways. We talk alot and make connections between our reactions to things and the abuse. So we're healing so well. 
ALL of them seem very happy atm. Dealing well with the pressures that present. Huge achievements in their education & workplaces. Happy friendships. Engaging in sports etc. Getting better all the time. It's awesome to witness. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update Sunday. 
Had a BEAUTIFUL day going with the flow. Slept in which was magical lol. 
My brother dropped in to visit and donate (lol) his containers for the Return and Earn, which we're ALWAYS grateful for! 
He got to meet son's GF who now lives here, she was appropriately adorable lol. We get on beautifully. 
The ACs don't like her hmmm. I just let their comments float by and do the "pregnant pause" when they share their opinions, which they're entitled to of course. 
Unless they ASK for my opinion, I don't offer one lol! 

Didn't speak with BF either day. I LOVED the break! 
He sent pics which were cute. His D & s-i-l travelled down from near Canada to attend an Elton John Concert in Seattle (I pushed BF to buy them all tickets), so it'll be a great weekend for them all. The Concert is tomorrow night. 

Ahhh such a relaxing weekend. I RIPPED out the old dying chilli plants that I only grew for demon & Shep's family lol, since they're all long gone now, so are the plants :-))

The grand pot they grew in now has new rich home made soil mix. I researched Companions, keeping in mind this pot is near our grand entrance to the house, so it'd be nice if it looked pretty too. 
I sowed Alyssum seeds so they pour over the edge of the round pot. Sage seeds in the centre. LOVE sage on baked potatoes. 
Then did the usual mesh across the top and a grid to hold it down, to deter the Turkeys lol. 
Chickens are happy, kids are happy. I feel happy. 

It's going to be an exciting week at work! Can't wait to start my new program. We have so much to look forward to. 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Unfortunately willing but not able is about as useful as unwilling. In some ways worse, because they tend to offer help then don't deliver. If you're not expecting help to begin with, the blow isn't as hard. Plus when you put something off because help has been offered, you end up really put out when it doesn't happen and left scrambling to fix it. Of course, when it comes to help with taking care of LM so I can have, like, any time to myself... it's no longer just inconvenience, it's a huge mess for my mental health. As was my counsellor doing a disappearing act on me, I already waited a month for her to get back from leave, without much in the way of anyone to vent to. I'm sick of always landing in emergency fix-up mode because there is so little support.

I figured it might be a matter of identity or protecting the business idea itself that kept you from expanding on it. All good. I hope this idea pans out for you and does as well as you hope it could.

I know you have no intention of moving to the US, I gather BF is kinda pushing for that to change? Beyond that, I'm sorry you are feeling that he is bringing you down. You as often say to me that he is your soul mate, that he is uplifting and kind and supportive. What has changed in this moment that makes you feel that way? I guess what I'm asking is, is this a bump in the road, or something bigger? Sounds like you're contemplating some big changes and aren't so sure this relationship figures into them. That's some heavy stuff to think about, I guess I understand why you are hesitant to think too much on it.

I'm interested in how P.son & Yvette go with the psych, and a bit about their symptoms if you're willing to discuss. As you know I'm on my own journey with that, feeling half like it's a diagnosis that fits and half like a fraud because everyone else thinks I'm functional. That's a whole thing. Anyway, hope they find answers and understanding that give them what they seek from a diagnosis.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, yes your situation ranges from extremely difficult to impossible all the time. I was in the same situation with the multiples (and all sorts of real threats around me), people promised, help never came. 
It would be best if others were honest at the outset. It's too hard to keep asking for help and not getting it. 
It makes us give up asking all together in the end. NOT a good place to be. 

Your Counsellor too? 
Cheeses Blue. That's majorly crappy. HUGS. 

Mmm it's almost impossible to explain my ideas here, mainly because it'd take 100 pages to describe it lol. 
Also being a public forum, of course exposure could be a big issue too. 

I've now thought of at least 3 other off shoots to the program and tbh, now I realise the potential is endless. 
I'll let you know how we're going with it over time. 
Yvette is contributing to it. I shared a little with her tonight and she's super keen. 

If ONE off shoot is at all possible, it would involve a lot of travelling to remote areas of Australia. 
First things first. Number 1 program is formed in my mind, the others will follow. 
It's not only a pursuit that depends on my past career experiences & training (Degrees) but also Alexa's too, as soon she'll complete her Psych Honours. Plus it's super creative. 

Re: BF. I will always love him, I know this lol. I don't want to break up with him.
BUT I DO want time to follow my creative impulses and create. I need the brain space and TIME for these. I've dreamt of having financial wealth & freedom for the longest time (like everyone I suppose! Lol). Now is the time to make things happen. All things are coming into alignment ie my ideas + Alexa's Psych quals + Yvette's talents. 
We're all super excited about it, which indicates to us all that we're on the right path. 

I don't want "freedom" to seek out other romantic interests or such, yuck! hahaha. I want my time to create. 
I'm sure BF will support me, even if he's not happy about less talk time lol. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Blues asked me about the kids' ASD symptoms... 

Being 1 male, 1 female, they manifest differently. Although they share some symptoms. 

Both. 
They've always had "special interests" followed in an obsessive manner. Only these 2 children stand out as showing these obsessions.
Extreme sensitivities; need specific types of textures in clothing & bedding (I'm like this so didn't notice lol), socks, FOOD, drinks, CUPS, cutlery. NOISE, which I thought was from FV? It is for me, possibly not them? 

They are my only children who HATE getting dirty in the garden. No mud play, didn't like the sand pit, never the worm farm lol. 
Get extremely upset if plans change, even to a better thing. 
Needed to know well ahead of time about dinner, what would be happening this week, this month..
Socialising issues. Issues with friendships as they grew older. Can't see things from different perspectives (Theory of Mind stuff).
Quick to anger. 
Cry alot. 
Extreme anxiety. 
Highly intelligent, being chosen for GATS camps etc. Issues with empathy with humans, not animals. 

P.son. 
Meticulous. Needs expensive skin care. Tech obsession. Has to WIN at all costs. 100 contraptions for dental care. Checks things 1000 times, like train timetables before catching trains. 
HATES delay of any kind. Plans things to within 1 min eg "we need to leave at 5:03". 
Perfectionism. Can't articulate emotions well. 

Yvette. 
Frustration. Wants everything NOW since birth. Articulates her own emotions with words she created. Can't see when others are upset unless they're crying (facial expression blindness?). 

VERY different to all my other children.

There's more, 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: 
Took the day off because my sore throat came back with a vengeance ugh! 
I'm starting a new course of anti biotics but who knows how that will go. 

I'm sleeping so much more than usual. Following my instincts in attempts to heal. Eating soup lol. Taking Vitamins etc. 

Needed a day off to be more restful. 

I'll go back to bed for a nap after feeding the chickens. 
Have Counselling tonight. I have some questions for her. 

Last night Yvette wanted to talk to me so much about what happened in the past. She asked me so many questions. I was fine answering them all. 
What came up was about why we didn't flee to the U.S. during that time?... she didn't know until last night that that was on the table. 
She was upset we DIDN'T go there. Lots of questions & answers. Lots of discussion. 

I believe I made the right decision, only because I stayed on the right side of Australian Law by staying (BF had Lawyers ready for Asylum seeking paths). It was and still is sometimes THAT bad. 
Law has not physically protected us here at all. Financially yes, because I locked it all down legally. 
Victim's Services has tried! Bless them. 

I imagine it would have been a lifetime of huge international turmoil for us and of course the real reasons for staying were ALL my children. I couldn't abandon them. 
We could never return either. 

I'll never know if I made the right decision for us all. 
All I know is that I chose the path we're on and we're doing our very best to heal, grow and be happy. 
Love EM