new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, love your goblin capers lol. You have such a creative mind, that's wonderful. 

IDK what it is I'm having issues with, with BF... I'm wondering if on some psychological level, I don't want to talk with him so much and or I CAN'T speak my truth to those around me and both could be exacerbating my sore throat. IDK. 

I'm so tired of talking with BF for hours (too many hours, for real). It's NIGHT for him, it's DAY time for me. 
Day time (on weekends / Leave) is the only best time to use noisy things like a vacuum or all my heavy garden equipment. But I can't use them while I'm on the phone of course. 
So for example, instead of using my chain saw, I might use a hand saw. 
Instead of using my leaf blower, I have to use my broom. 
All while talking with him because there's always so much to do here.
I bought these power things to SAVE my energy, so I'm exhausted using the hand tools. 

And tbh the conversation can become so freaking tedious. He worries that he has nothing "exciting" to tell me. The "dramas" are usually always from my end, tbh sometimes I don't want to talk about them, mainly because he thinks I'm asking for his (unqualified) advice. I'm not. 
So... I end up either NOT telling him, bec I don't want his response, or he delves into the enmeshment of his own family which drives me crazy lol! EG his dad needs new shoe laces in San Diego right? WAY down near Mexico. BF had spare show laces so now "has to" mail them to dad... (woah... I say nothing). BF lives way UP near Canada. (x 10 other weird things like that)
Why? 

It's crazy. I'm working on BOUNDARIES lol. They have none. But it's HIS family, not mine. More in the update. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: 

Not sure what's going on with me, but I feel my MH is slipping. Probably depression starting to creep in, IDK. 

I've had more intrusive thoughts, God they're tiring. Then more odd nightmares. 
No doubt it's the stress of poodle's health, IDK. 

I KNOW not being able to tell anyone is building stress inside me. 

Trying not to list the pressures, sadness, stressors. 
The NEW one, to me psychologically anyway, is the detachment of my children. 

I knew this would happen from the moment of their births! I said to them in their cribs in hospital, in a blink you'll be moving out, so I've been preparing for their independence ever since. 
Spent my life doing this, preparing them. 

I forgot about me. 
For decades I thought I would have my husband here too. I don't NEED that husband of course, holy cheeses. 
Tbh not sure that I want ANY husband or partner. 
Wondering if I'd not only be happier without a partner but THANKFUL I don't have one here with me. 

It REALLY bugs me that whenever I go to ANY social gathering, when people I'm "single", then they THINK I'm available. I'm really NOT! 
THEN I have to spend my valuable life telling them I'm NOT. Almost arguing with people. I really hate that. 
Sometimes I wear a ring on my marriage finger but it doesn't stop the QUESTIONS. It's really none of anyone's business how I want to live my life and just because I CHOOSE not to have a partner here, doesn't mean I must WANT one, cheeses. 

I don't. People don't understand, like at all! (Some ppl even set up blind dates! Omg the liberties). 

Could be dealing with "empty nest", while simultaneously building WALLS against those who think they can creep in to my life and house. Yuck!! 

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey everyone, I'm over that hump of angriness today lol. 

I got myself down by over thinking the future and the conversations I'll have if I attend another social gathering ever again lol... IDK, over it anyway. 

ALL this yearning for getting more into Permaculture etc... well I meditated on this and other stuff. 
Got help from some manifesting clips on YT, which worked overnight! 

I had to write a NEW program for work. I was tossing up whether to "play it safe" and go with a boring option, sure my group needs that too BUT omg after decades of doing this and yearning for more fulfilment in my work... I wanted to go extreme, like WAYYYY out there. 
But that was not safe lol... I thought of ALL the myriads of criticisms I could / would get.... I kept swinging to and fro... indecision ugh... 

Today I just decided that I CAN'T do the boring for one second longer!! 
I want to be BRAVE with my life. 

I'm doing the extreme! I made this decision this morning. 
Then this afternoon, a HUGE push from our Dept was shared with us for hours in a Staff meeting... 
I could barely contain my excitement as it meshes PERFECTLY with my new extreme plan hahaha. 

AND I maybe able to share it with the Community Garden near my workplace. I Googled them to find they have a WEBSITE now! My friend started this Garden and is SUPER involved with all things GREEN. 
OMG I'm so excited about this. 

SO>> I CAN do PC things at work, then share them online with my friend for her Website, this is perfect. 
I'm getting "rated" on this program I offered to do way back in February for some time this year, when I had more energy lol. 
Now I'm so inspired and grateful it took this long for this special time to arrive. The timing is perfect. 

Off to cook for the gang lol. 

Love EMxxx

[ecomama]

GOOD NEWS Update! 

Rescue Poodle's results came back 2 days early, so this very kind Vet called us the moment they came in tonight.... no cancer detected in the tumour they removed from his mouth. 

THANK YOU GOD! 

I expressed our deep gratitude to the Vet for calling me asap! 
I said "Now I might get some sleep!" 

The anxiety over not being able to tell any of the kids, holding it all inside, not sleeping calmly, having intrusive thoughts of loss - again. 

I shared the news with the kids, news they didn't know that they didn't know about lol. 
Ohhh this explains a lot mama! 
Yes I wasn't being my usual self and Lord knows what they were thinking I was going through, but it's all out now and I feel so much freer, lighter and more settled. 

Thankyou everyone for your support, love and kindness. 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Short one tonight, yesterday wiped out my energy. Super, super glad to see the results from Poodle's tests. Great that the vet called as soon as they knew, too. Of course it's a huge weight off your mind. Fantastic that you can work PC into your job, too. You're the sort of person who needs a passion project to be okay, it's important to follow the things that inspire you.

Glad your frustrations aren't weighing on you so much, also. Re BF, I do think sometimes you run with his needs when they sorely undermine your own, and that can breed resentment. You mentioned boundaries - maybe it would be good to set a time limit on calls, and be honest with him that long calls drain you too much when you can't use the things you got to make jobs manageable when you're on the phone. As for people bothering you about your choices about romance and trying to set you up on dates... not cool. You can just say no and walk away from that lunacy.

I've had to set aside my goblins and focus on more practical matters the last couple of days. More unpleasant medical tests for LM, and trying to manage his nutrition have been the focus. He's been losing a lot of weight, and he was a bit underweight to begin with. Can't seem to slow it down, he's struggling real hard to eat enough with his sensitive stomach and with eating making breathing even harder. It's a lot to deal with.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, that's hard for LM and you to manage. My mother and many of her Nurse colleagues too, used that high energy milk drink, I just Googled the name of it. It's called Sustagen. 
I think it's high in protein too? 
Anyway I needed to drink this in the morning, whilst carrying the multiples and working a 70+h work week for the Federal Govt - crazy days. 

In fact I had to take in some form of protein many times a day, spread out into snack sized meals, mainly because of the amount of pressure of the babies inside me on my stomach. Basically every 3-4h, even over night. 
This also staved off morning sickness which I didn't have with any babies until this pregnancy and it only came in the form of "sea sickness" feeling, a bit dizzy, no upchucking thank goodness. 

I'm sure you're all over it, perhaps if Sustagen isn't on the menu, it could help get something into LM when he's not up to eating food? 

Re: BF. Yep, nail on the head there Blue. 
It's pretty sad knowing he goes downhill fast, or seems to, when I withdraw time from him. 
I didn't call all weekend nor answer his calls, I didn't want to talk about the most pressing stress on my mind and tbh I didn't want to hear about trivia like shoe laces! 

I needed to rest my voice, rest my body too, to try to remedy this sore throat AND my ears too... 

funny that I just realised that it was EARS and THROAT, what I use to talk with BF that were fed up too lol. 
A message perhaps? 

I hope you see some progress for LM and the issues he's dealing with, and you are too. 
Thinking of you both / all, 
Love EMxxxx

[white knight]

Hi EM

I just decided to read your very first post on this thread that you wrote 2 years ago. That post was full of apprehension, Covid issues, financial stress and other things like a history of abuse.

Fast track to today, as a long term member now can I ask you to compare the era of that post to today? If you could summarise the progress, the hiccups that have occured since then, I'm interested in your story.

BTW, I have a short video that I thought would be apt in regard to your first post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjA87A2e07s

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Hey Tony, great clip! How true.  
Although I do tend to nurture any negative feelings by asking how I can soothe them. By responding with love, they resolve well. 

Summarise my progress? hmm... it's been a journey! 
I visualise my healing requirements as a jigsaw puzzle with some pieces that help everyone; practices of self-care, gratitude, working on boundaries whilst maintaining healthy connections, mindfulness, meditation, study of my self, positive thinking, eating well, I always exercise lol. Other pieces include Faith, Prayer, personal goals in MH, wellbeing, creativity, elements of living a whole hearted life. 

My Counsellor is steadfast. Trauma Psych was good for 4 sessions, max. 

Obstacles?
Time. 
Covid; loved ones overseas/ extreme work hours/ dealing with clients' & colleagues' extreme anxiety. 
Financial stressors. 
MH of my children recovering from S.A. + other abuses (as I was trying to recover also). 
Maintaining "oxygen mask on self first" when potential stressors occur. 
Ahhh destroyed house & garden. 

Back then, I saw my MH recovery as a LADDER, with a slippery slide on the side. I realised I had to spend TIME on the maintenance of major steps UP. 
Now it's more of a STAGE. MHIs are in the wings, I "manage" them. They're fleeting at worst. 
Overall I'm very well! 
Working FT, managing a very busy house & children still developing. 
All bills paid on time lol. 

I have a positive view for my future overall. 
Love EM

[white knight]

Hi EM

That's good news. Bills, being able to pay them on time is a major achievement and under rated imo. Finances are like cleaners, if cleaners do a great job nobody praises them but do a bad job and its noticed. Finances, if you are ahead of it all its not noticed much by ourselves but fall behind with years to catch up and it can lead to deep sadness.

Interesting how you use so many acts to achieve stability from prayer to diet and all in between. I did notice myself that once my beautiful artistic daughter left home to go to uni and train to be a maths and art teacher (now left unable to work due to PTSD/depression etc) that suddenly I had a different life. I missed her but I had more time on my hands. 

Well anyway I was intrigued to see what your progress was in the last 2 years and it seems very positive. Great.

TonyWK

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (with a wave to Tony),

Yup, it's a lot to deal with. We have hospital grade Sustagen, also Up & Go (little protein drinks from the supermarket), he's got cheese and crackers, chocolates and all sorts for snacks and we're adding butter and cheese and such to his meals - as recommended by his nutritionist. Running joke in the house is I tell him he can't have his veggies 'til he's eaten all his chocolate, haha.

I hear you about having to get up during the night to eat or drink more protein. That can't have been fun during a pregnancy, you would have been crazy tired. LM had to wake regularly to eat too after the surgery to get his weight back up - a nearly 6 ft man should not weigh 50kg.

I know BF gets down when he doesn't hear from you. Of course it's hard to manage boundaries when you feel like you're going to hurt the other person. That's where talking it out helps, working out how to meet both of your needs as much as possible. The problem with doing it his way until you just can't and then withdrawing is it hurts both of you. It's worth the hard conversation to get a better long-term solution in place.

There's more to things with LM that we found out yesterday, but I'll talk about that another time. It's manageable, hopefully, just another headache we don't need. Had an appointment cancelled on me yesterday, too - which would have been fine and dandy if anyone had told me about it before I had put my self to significant inconvenience to go to the damn office. Sigh. That's why I wasn't around yesterday, just too tired from it all. There are no days off from any of this.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.