new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Still feeling pretty frazzled, I got some rest today, but not enough. LM's needs have been pretty intense this week, non-stop. Anyway, dropping in as always to remind you I hear you and you're in my thoughts, even though I don't have the energy to say much. Just holding space. Hugs,

Blue. 

[Guest_1584]

Crikey , you have quite the crop there , l'm not even gonna ask but yeah we're all about just as different , not so much looks wise though, scattered far and wide also , cross the globe and country. l envy those with a small family, not that l see most of mine much l've always like my own world , do have a brother 30mins away though we have a drink and yarn every few wks , just about does me.

Allowed ha , funny, no worries about that one no one's ever allowed me to do anything l've done me probably from the day l showed up l think , must've have given them such worry now that l'm, a parent and know how it feels, realize. l really dunno how they coped with me let alone the rest of them.

Weird really talking about that sort of thing , if there's one person l'd love my d not to be like , it's me, and l've been trying to talk her out of it and into something more normal , but unfortunately , or fortunately, not sure which , she is exactly like me, anti everything normal, establishment , Jones, and a brilliant artist too. Well l tried butttt, like me she is who she is and nothings gonna change it, damn. Funny really as anyi normal as l'd been my whole life, l'd love for her to just follow those Jone's, yaknow, it's just much easier, safer, secure, you want that for your kids right.

[Guest_1584]

The bush walk sounds gorgeous , one of my all time fav things . Guess what l'm doing tom - lunch , with my beautiful whales , yeppaa. They're coming through again atm, can't wait, had lunch with them last Sun too but tom is gonna be a gorgeous day for a change this time of yr ,instead of it being pretty well Antarctic down there last wkend, still nice though, different, but some sun and warmth is gonna be a real treat .

The old man and his trees eh, our country needs him so badly l hope his messages are spreading far and wide.

Have a gret day hey , and watch out for those naughty Joe blakes.

rx

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, hugs back to all of you. 

I hope you can find time to rest Blue. Seems an impossible ask atm. Hopefully the financial support comes through. I know it's miniscule but it could alleviate some financial stress and to us that seems a lot. 

Thinking of you
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey rx, tbh I'm glad your d is just like you, ya know? lol... we need more people like you both! Oceans of them please! 

I've been watching lots of "Finding my family" clips on YT and I tell you know, from what I've seen, there's no changing our gene pool. People being raised by other families and decades later finding their biological family and bam.... just like them. 

Sure it's a struggle being out of the norm. Tbh I wouldn't have it any other way, stuff being like the Joneses! Omg the Joneses I know?.... "medicating with all sorts of substances" being drugs, alcohol, food, whatever, trying to control everyone to be JUST like them? no way, what an awful existence suppressing who they really are to "fit in" yuck. I don't subscribe lol. 

I believe that to be a low ebb existence. 

I'd rather "our life" any day rx! Being who we are. Discovering who we really are more and more... LOVE THAT. 

WHALES! Hahaha having lunch with the whales, how amazing and beautiful. So much to appreciate from our natural world that is simply there! Free. Beautiful. Miraculous. 

More about our new friend next up lol... 

Have a great day. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey rx and others reading along, about that 80yo man working away in his secret clearing of Joe blakes lol.... 

I'll find out his name today. He works with a handful of others. They turn up weekly and all work together but he told Alexa that he's usually there every day and I LOVE that! 
Apparently he worked in Forestry for over 40y in his career, so knows alot about every tree and species in our bush lands. 

We just seems to attract these people in our lives. 

He and the workers have tried hard to keep this space a secret, fearing the destruction of it by less caring people. Alexa wants to keep that promise. 

Altho she spoke with him about the future of this huge place. 
He said that they petitioned to have it sanctified by Council to be a protected space and now it is. 
They've removed so much dumped there; huge rusting TRUCKS! Farming equipment like ploughs etc. 

Each worker has a section to care for. 
They constantly remove the lantana and invasive bamboo... but at a certain point they want to plant bush foods aimed at feeding the wildlife. They need to plant those now to stop the invasive species moving right back in the "spaces" left but they're doing all the work right? 

He fills up trailer loads of lantana, takes it home, burns it and brings back all the ashes lol. 

Eventually he wants to have "Educational tours" for school kids. I know those contacts having worked for these places locally. 

May their dreams come into fruition. 
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

BLACK SNAKE Creek update lol. 

We all had a beautiful bush walk through very interesting terrain today lol. 
SO much to describe. 

We missed the 80yo man, we were too late getting there. Apparently the whole group of 4 or 5 volunteers gather there on Thursdays. Alexa is planning to join them. 
I want to also when I'm on Leave next. 

Must remember to bring my secateurs. So much lantana. Obviously I can't get enough lantana lol. There's that and Privet growing like monster vines through the trees. 
I have to ask the workers if they'd like me to bring them Lilly Pilly seedlings from my garden. Atm I pull them out and green waste them. I've taken hundreds to work and over planted them there. 

Our Lilly Pilly trees grow little red fruits the native wildlife love to eat. 

This area is many acres! Thick bush everywhere. You have to cut your way through some places. The volunteers have constructed micro bat homes and hung them in trees everywhere. Then planted foods for them, even though these trees are tiny atm. 
There's hollowed out logs for other wildlife.
Stacks of logs everywhere to encourage fungi, insects and habitats for snakes lol. Oh dear. 

The Creek has many arteries and the diverted creek is trying to reclaim its rightful place. Sections of swamp with mangrove trees. Deep black soil all the way to sandy creek beds. 
A true wonderland. 

We had an AWESOME day. 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

So glad you had a lovely day in the bush, EM. Did you come across any of the aforementioned snakes? I chuckled a little at your comments on lantana. It really does seem you can't get enough of it.

Totally agree with you about just being ourselves vs trying to be square pegs in round holes. Us oddballs just gotta be us, it's pure misery to be anything else.

I had a little rest today. We had our friends over, BM & RB (you may remember them from our wedding tales). LM & BM chilled out inside whilst RB & I went for a walk and I took the opportunity to talk with her about the things it would hurt LM for me to talk about (i.e. my struggles with his care - not that he doesn't know I have them, but he feels so guilty for how dependent he has become and doesn't need to be hit over the head with how hard it can be for me sometimes).

Hoping the coming week will be a bit more manageable than the week just gone. I'll be around, in whatever capacity life leaves me with. Hugs,

Blue.

PS Hi Randomx - love that you're here looking in on EM, and lunch with whales sounds pretty cool. I hope you see lots of them.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, yes WOW I hope the coming week is MUCH different to the last one! I just finished reading and responding to your threads. Wow. MASSIVE hugs. I can't believe what you're going through! SCREEEEAAAAM! 

Out loud. 

"Apparently" the snakes haven't quite woken from their Winter hibernation yet... I guess we'll have FUN later. 🤔😫

Snakes are prolific here. I leave low dishes of water out for them (lol). I can just hear you say "Of course you do". They eat mice and rats so YAY! 

Lantana I KNOW! What is going on? Lol lantana happens to be prolific here too. So much degradation of the earth and lantana sneaks in to hold the soil. 
I'd be scared to even SUGGEST anything to these amazing volunteers, they've worked so hard and are incredibly dedicated to this incredible area we walked through. 
BUT lol if they don't plant anything where they removed the lantana then hey! It's going to simply GROW BACK. 
They removed lantana and PRIVET grew in some areas... because it was bare soil. 

Mother Earth needs to shelter herself so she does. 
Where the lantana and privet was SO HIGH it was cool in the shade... protecting her own earth. 

The group complained to Alexa that their funding ran out and they're waiting for more funding... for what I thought? Plants apparently. They seriously need look no further than our Eco Groups we belong to. But the Black Snake group works in almost entire isolation, except for occasional Council Funding. That'll go barely anywhere. 
People power is what's needed. 

Yes my legs are sore today lol. 

Busy night with doing applications with the kids. So tired. Need more sleep. 

Take care sweet Blue, 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Dear EM, my lovely friend,

Yes this week has been incredibly hard, I welcome your hugs. I sometimes look back at times like these and wonder how in hell I got through them. BM & RB have been very supportive, and LM's parents have been helping too. Much as I have a bumpy relationship with his mother, she has been at least checking on him regularly, and made a phone call for me to get some information. It counts.

Haha, yes of course you leave out water for the snakes! I have a low dish out for the baby blackbirds. Snakes are welcome too, so long as they leave the birds alone! Did I tell you about the bees that moved into the hollow base of our bird bath? They are friends, I am content for them to stay.

Every area has its non-native plants that jump in to fill the gaps when there is bare soil. It absolutely is going to grow back if those bare areas aren't filled up. I don't think it would be disrespectful for you to suggest some things to the Black Snake group to make their work easier. Who knows? They might even welcome it.

I've read your replies on my other threads, though I'll leave answering directly for another day - today BM is taking LM to his place so I can chill out and do Blue things, so I'm gonna do just that. Just want to say your words have reached me and I value your support so much. I'm also sorry BF didn't have the support he needed after he lost his first wife. I'm so glad he has you to hear him now. However indirectly, I hear him too.

I sincerely hope you get some sleep, and some fun in the day ahead. You deserve it.

Blue.