new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey rx, nice to see over here lol, thanks for popping in. 

Washing machines lol! Yah we've had 16 living here at one point omg, those days. Not as many now but still quite a few of us. 9 for dinner tonight ummm. The oven's cranking lol. 

I BET your dad complained but hey... that's what happens lol. 

A colleague complained to us today that she has to wash FIVE loads on Saturdays... I thought is that all? 
Are you kidding me? Is that a LOT? It'd be a walk in the park for me to ONLY have 5 loads once a week omg. 

Anyhoo lol... oh yes I googled the Land Value the moment I found out. It's worth a lot more than a million. 
No Land Taxes due to an agreement where our family donated acres for the only school in this place. 
This Country's taxes are dreamy lol. 

The new Laws there forbid us to own it now, due to none of us living there as residents or Citizens. 
No holidays on the land now lol. Not that I'd figure on camping on a tropical island... a Resort would be nicer! 
Flights are a bit exxy. I'd rather see BF in the dead of Winter lol! 

It may take years to resolve this debacle but hey... I just hope it does resolve! 

Take care
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Nope, can't work any more with LM as he is. Wouldn't mind, except I rather miss having an income. Hm. Carer forms lodged, estimated processing time... 7 weeks. Uh-huh, sure.

LM can't help but see what I have to do, most of it is tied to him or Mr Feisty. Of course it's different in your household - I'm glad they help though, and that they also get to let their hair down with friends. It sounds like they're a well balanced bunch, even with the various challenges the family has faced.

Oh dear, yeah, I guess BF couldn't know what you're dealing with from so far away, with such a different set of responsibilities himself. I hear you about Alexa - "luck" is relative, I'm sure she'd welcome the work if she could know her kids were with her and okay.

That's a lot of laundry. I'm like that lady with the five loads in a day, though that might not be it for the week - gotta wash curtains pretty regularly when sharing one's life with a bird. I see why your water bills can be a bit of a headache.

Okay, good to know that about your counsellor. I'm satisfied, haha.

Quite the saga about that land - unexpectedly owning a share of an expensive plot, but it'll cost you to keep it. Forgive me, but I couldn't help wondering if there was a Nigerian prince involved. (Don't worry, I give you more credit than that.)

I'll leave it there, today has been an exhausting and difficult day. Take care, friend.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, I don't need to imagine "life with birds" hahaha... we had 16 chickens living inside our home at one dangerous point, that was a LOT. Now only 2 trying to get in nightly. The others are in the huge chook palace way down the back. 
Our family bred birds (not chooks) for a few generations. I used to bring the ones inside that had been "hen pecked" or were frail. I let them fly around when we didn't have visitors. Visitors HAD no cognition how they needed to enter and exit the house! 

So yeah, I get the rapid curtain washing lol. 

Ok, I remembered LM needs constant care because you said that. 7 weeks is a long processing time. I hear you. If it IS approved that's great. If it's not then 7 weeks is a long time to wait before finding out!

Yeah I think the kids are pretty well balanced, topsy turvy quite a lot like their mama, being workaholics like me. I've had to encourage them to keep up their social circles, as they diminished significantly upon leaving school. 
I don't model this because my favourite IRL people are my children lol. They're all studious, do things like learn languages, read books in other languages... they're so cool! I learn so much from them hahaha. 

Ahh no Nigerians involved. I've studied my Families' heritage and have records back to 1323 in one line! 
This line is well documented being from The Bounty. "We" have owned this land for around 200y so it's been in the family for ages. I saw the beautiful scrolls of Deeds to this land ages ago but thought it had been sold or basically it wasn't mine at all, in no parts. 
Not so.
The Land won't cost us to keep it. By their New Laws we aren't allowed to keep it. We are being forced to sell it. We have zero choice. That Govt wants to buy it or confiscate it! Hence us fighting for the rights to sell it. Saga indeed. 

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Yeah right fair enough first thing l'd have done too. But eh dreamy land taxes but the gov goes round swiping land worth over a million eh , nice touch.

Nope wasn't suggesting a hol there , just a hol , in whatever dream you may have, a present hol , maybe bf might abridge eh.

16kids, or family or whatever - crikey , l'm running.

l was always embarrassed about the size of our family not for my family but peoples reaction , although there was one near us with 17kids so eh , took the pressure of haha.

rx

[ecomama]

Hey rx, it's funny isn't it, how sometimes we do a different thing than our parents did? 
You grew up in a huge family with tons of siblings then had one child yourself. 
I've seen this "flip flop" alot with numerous things from our FOO and present day. 
Mine was the reverse! 

Oh just a holiday? Gosh, a faint memory. 
I'll be honest, I don't want to go away anywhere. 
BF has set plans in motion to come to Oz but his bosses in the U.S are tyrants with his Leave compared to what bosses can try to get away with here. 
Night and day. 

We both know it's HIS turn to visit! hahaha. He owes me a few visits. 

I'm quite happy with my memories for now. Altho I want to setup my big car as a "stealth camper".
Right now, just going to a beach nearby would be like a holiday lol. 

I'm the main cog in the machine at home atm. Many kids on their Ls now, none who live here have their Blacks so it's all up to me to do their "hours". When they get to 50 or 70h? (can't remember) the kids enrol themselves in a Safer Driving Course which gives them another 20h I think. They all keep their records, I don't lol. 

Inching forward a day at a time! 

Seriously don't get me started about that land omg. So many strings tangled up with that Govt pulling the strings! Utter madness. 

About to do my Psychological exercises as part of Alexa's Honours Thesis. 3 times a day we all have to do it. 
As she said, "I HAD to go into Psychology, with a family like mine, there's LOTS to study!" and other such endearing compliments lol. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Oh boy, 16 chickens, I can imagine the mess! I've had at most 4 birds in the house at one time and that was more than enough to overwhelm my less than amazing housekeeping skills! I hear you about visitors when you have birds loose in the house, they don't get that you just can't leave doors open, or dawdle coming in or out. I've had very few visitors since having birds anyway, but tend to take safety precautions when I do.

Yup. Here's hoping it gets approved, we're in trouble if it's not. 

I think it's cool that your kids are your favourite people. Who knows better the road you've travelled, and the things you have learnt along the way? They're not the toxic people that snuck into your life before you realised what they were really all about.

That's some history with that plot of land. I was only attempting some levity about Nigerian princes, no offence meant. Any particular reason you are being expected to front money for sorting this out? Is the same expectation on anyone else involved?

Another difficult day today, I may eventually have time/energy to say more on my thread. We are exhausted.

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, exhaustion is real. I'm hoping you're able to STOP and rest, sometimes at least! I did this after work today. Just hit the sack for a few hours and slept solidly. 
Working outside the home can make us exhausted but working over FT hours AT home, caring for someone, adds the 'close emotional ties exhaustion', next level. Hugs. 

Yes the kids at home witnessed and experienced the worst of the horrors from demon. The ACs just either didn't see it or believe it. Hence major efforts at rebuilding those r/ships after the Courts era, which involved me holding my communications back which broke my heart. Those r/ships are healing slowly now, thank God. 
A VERY long way to go tho. 
I support my kids' healing and am there for them at each pillar and post. It's a lot but they're freaking awesome  young people, showing their resilience, strength and courage every step. 

Good question. Our Qld family, 5 households, lost their homes in the repeated floods, so we can't ask them to fork out $10k at all. They're basically homeless. The NSW branch of the family are footing the first $50k Lawyer's "retainer" just to begin proceedings - there's a Clause for it, so it should be returned . cost shared. Should a WILL are 2 entirely different things. The Will is clearly written as to WHOM gets the monies from sales. For me it's in my generation, not my children's (yet!). 

This isn't the only complex issue I'm facing atm and I'm bedrazzled by it tbh.
I should've become a Lawyer, missed my calling lol. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: I KNEW it. 

I can literally tell an alcoholic a mile off. Alexa hasn't even MET the new neighbours but from my description of that demanding "chat" over the fence with the male neighbour, she said "He's an alcoholic who was edgy for a drink". 

2 week's in and it's starting up tonight. 
Most nights they're out, probably at the pub... tonight they're home. 

Slamming doors. Suppressed "yelling". Abuse. I'm angry. No PTSD reactions, simply anger. 

Now he's playing 70s music LOUDLY in attempts to drown out their arguing. I KNEW he was controlling her. 

I'll not hesitate to call the Police if this keeps up. Then be back to the RE Agents asap, again.

The exact opposite to the past 20y when the lovely old neighbours lived there. 

And I HAVE ALL the teenagers! None of this rubbish happens with my kids or their friends, grrrr. 

Happy days lol
EM

[Guest_1584]

Ahh that's just damn sad, he sounded like such a pig it was hard to believe, making sense now.

Parents yeah, l admire the hell out of mine , incredible people to but parents as is anyone handling families that size or as in yourself and yours too, tell ya , it's just mind boggling to me. But nope , never ever wanted to be like my parents and l don't mean that in any bad way but say just in that l'd never wanted dads world or life or ideals for example, not to say l didn't admire him, l just very strongly had my own though from about 3 or 4 onward, our lives couldn't be more different. And kids, forget it, it was only ever gonna be one for me and ex felt the same but yeah , she's my most fav person in the world too. And that's not even from a dads point of view,  just from a who she is point of view bi polar and all she's just the most incredible old soul and person and so much more. Yours sound incredible to and you've done an amazing job by the sounds and l can well understand how you feel and good for you.

rx

[ecomama]

Hahaha rx I get it. It's just the way things are. So often we want to do the opposite to what our parents did, it's okay! Doesn't mean we didn't love or respect them, we're allowed to make our life's choices because it's OUR life. 
My mother wanted a big family with lots of children, so started way younger than I did. Sadly her MHIs and the following tragedies did not allow that to happen. Probably a good thing? IDK, just the way things worked out. 

I was happy having one brother and no sisters lol. I saw how much my mother fought with her sisters and my cousins fought with their sisters, still all do! ... ugh, not for me thanks. 

Lol SNAP, our kids are our fave people lol. That's so cool. I love your daughter too with all her uniqueness lol. My kids go from being very dark haired, dark skinned and extroverted - galloping around the world and our country, to the younger ones being red heads and blondes lol... alot more introverted and dare I say, quite a bit more sensible. They're all pretty amazing. 

Are you going on a holiday after Christmas? Think I saw you mention it somewhere?

I'll be thinking of you as I take my grand kiddies out to all the places my great / grand parents took me as a child. I've learnt how to fit BOTH my 2 seater kayaks on to my car now! Are you proud? 
I am lol. 

Can't wait to go adventuring with them, think we need new life jackets tho hmmmm. 

Tomoz we're bush walking to a magical spot Alexa found. Through the bushes to a vast clearing! Saw an 80yo man working away who spent hours talking with them about all the tree's names etc. 
We're meeting him tomorrow, yay! Wearing our steel capped boots because the Aboriginal name for that place is "Black Snake" lol, it's a breeding area for black snakes! 

Alexa's 70yo neighbour wrangled a 3m snake this week at their place. Alexa videoed her doing it! I'm sending the clip to bf, just as a headsup... Mr Metropolitan hahaha. 

Love EM