new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

I'll be thinking of you both Blue, HAVE FUN! 

Today I may have crossed a mental "line in the sand"... listening to my Colleagues COMPLAIN so emphatically about things that, IDK, would be so simple for me to cope with. 
And they call THAT bad? 

Wow... I got a great measure of how resilient I am. 
How resilient ALL my kids are. 
I am SO PROUD of us all. 

Don't worry, I was politely validating to these people lol. Not condescending. Just understanding they have a far different "base line" to OUR FAMILY! 

One, much younger, colleague was complaining to me for almost an entire hour DURING a Staff Meeting lol! 
Ppl kept telling her to be quiet. I didn't tell her that, the meeting was so boring. 

She kept saying "Ppl tell me I've got to keep climbing that mountain". She said this about 10 times. 
This started to annoy me actually. I wondered WHY those ppl would say that to her as though it would get easier?? lol THAT'S ridiculous. 
IDK what she wanted me to say, but I AM authentic... so at the end of the meeting she said it to me again. 

The meeting was over so I could respond.
I said "Life is not a mountain to climb up. It's life. Life is full of problems to solve but that's just life."
Then I added... "Ppl say life wasn't meant to be this difficult, but it was never written anywhere that life would be easy. IDK why people expect life to be easy. It's just life."

So after processing so many observations lately, I feel lighter. 
Nothing around me has changed lol, probably things have gotten worse. 

But that's life. 

Off to declutter and cook dinner. Pick up kids and DO life! 

LOVE EM

[ecomama]

Hey everyone, 

Sending love to all who are having a tough time. 

Feeling pretty good. Had a real lot on this week lol, too much tbh, it's been really stressful.
But I'm getting through it and the weekend will soon be here. 

Still working through my minimalism trek and probably always will be lol! 
Alexa was shocked that I was "putting this on myself" amidst stuff, meaning LIFE I guess. 
She was concerned about the "Challenge" word, that's a self imposed word so I can give myself a permission slip to have a break anytime I want to. 
I said I was having fun with it, so she approved lol. 

Alexa was concerned about some type of program or external force. I said that there isn't but if we're honest, I am my own biggest task master above anyone or anything. 

Chickens hate their coop. But it's there or off the property, so it's keeping them safe from others, it's our only choice. 

Gotta go pick up kids. Might burn a heap of boxes when I get home, before the next Mum's Taxi trip. 

Take care everybody
Love EM

[ecomama]

Yes replying to myself lol, that's ok, everyone's got stuff going on.

So many potentially triggering events have happened in the past few weeks and altho I was stressed, I handled these ongoing issues pretty well. Got thru them all. 

Then with a BANG this afternoon WOAH... the closest to PTSD reactions I've had in a long way. Clearly those previous things (ongoing) were already overflowing my cup... 
3 big things happened in the matter of an hour. I was overwhelmed and handled it ok in front of the first person who was being quite repetitive (and I'd heard her the FIRST time grr). I was trying to MOVE ON with her advice which was crap anyway lol. 

Then another thing... omg, I TMId the lovely desk lady I know, and then SHE was panicking like crazy but just over that ONE thing... Like that was a big deal omg... 
She said I was so calm, what? 
I was NOT calm inside. 
She said SHE would be in total panic mode. 
I said "One thing at a time. This is only ONE grain of sand in a beach of issues I'm handling atm". 
She was gobsmacked. 

Then the THIRD, taking 2 freaking hours to deal with over the phone to a pain of a you know what. "Organisation". 

I have to relent. 
I cannot do what I really wanted to do. It's far to much pressure and will cost me in excess of $2000 to do - simply to change my name. 
They probably won't let me and it's a name I USED TO HAVE. 
I was so angry, I cried to my son while explaining it all. 
He offered to pay but omg I can't DO THIS. I won't waste anymore money on this crap, willingly. 

Just the bare minimum I'll do. Birth Certs. 

It'll cost enough to apply for a new Passport bec my old one has been expired too long. I can't believe it but it's "the system". I can't fight it anymore. 
I relent. 

Other than that lol I'm doing ok! 

EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

First of all, the wedding went perfectly. It was a very small gathering, very intimate, and the ceremony itself was beautiful. We seem to have made a friend of our celebrant, she has been lovely, and wants to keep in touch. It feels good and right to be married to LM, now.

I'm sorry to see you have been struggling with such triggers while I was off the forums. I understand, I've had a few myself since the wedding - the very day we got a letter to say the interest rate & thus mortgage repayments are going up by quite a lot, then soon after the doctors finally looked at our paperwork for the Carer's Payment and have decided to withdraw support, so it's going to be leave LM without his carer and go to work, or be homeless in short order, I guess. I am beyond disgusted. They know damn well his condition has been steadily declining and we don't know how long he has, and this is their course of action. Never mind that none of the stuff approved by the Carer's Gateway has actually been forthcoming. We haven't had much room for just enjoying being married. Or for grieving our Sir Pecks. I feel really blindsided.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is I really do understand how you're feeling. I know what it's like to have that cup overflowing, then this onslaught of triggers chipping away at that resilience we work so hard for. I understand your anger and how defeated you're feeling right now. I'm feeling much the same. Trying to remember that we have both risen up from worse than this and we have prevailed. I guess we need to take the time to process what we're feeling, then let solutions come to the fore in our minds. Neither one of us is the type to be knocked down for long. You have my support, friend.

Blue.

[ecomama]

And you have my support too Mrs Blue. 

Your Wedding sounded so sweet! A long awaited Happy Day. I am SO HAPPY for you both / all. You were already a close family, making "it official" I guess, maintaining the same beautiful loving family. 
That's awesome. 

I can't BELIEVE the GP didn't support your application! I'm gobsmacked. omg. 

What next? 

Omg you must be exhausted over all this. Thinking of ANY next steps, IDK from here. 

I almost hate suggesting this but feel I need to. What about NDIS? IDK if LM fits the criteria of "disabilities"? 

There MUST be some type of help. I'm still shocked. 

Yes, an interest rates rise. That was part of my "simmering pot" of pressures too. If it's been so difficult to keep the payments up, what are people like us supposed to do? 

I've been wracking my brain for ages about WHERE to shave costs off. 
Looks like my new credit card has been approved with my Home Loan bank. It's $1000 less limit, now it will be $1.5k, but the "interest free period" is for a year because it's linked to my HL Bank. Kind of within a package. 
Means something but not a long term thing, I just don't know what to do. 

Our Land Rates have increased to around $2,500 per year. That's a MASSIVE increase and it's so frustrating. 

Yes we are resilient. 
I KNOW we will prevail. 

I'm so glad I have you my friend. So few people really understand. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks EM, I didn't doubt it. 🙂

It was beautiful. We wrote our own vows, which heavily featured our birds as well as each other, of course. As you say, getting married just made it "official". It's a milestone that is just ours. Pretty much the last societal milestone, as if getting married is the end game. We have to come up with our own milestones, now.

Not the GP, EM, one of the specialists who was directly involved in the tests for assessing his eligibility for another transplant. Who has direct knowledge of the swift degradation of his health. I am beyond disgusted. All well and good for them, only interested in what happens in the hospital and never mind what happens when we get home. Yes we are exhausted. Though your mention of a GP might be the loophole we need, more aware of the at-home side of patient health.

NDIS has long since been declared a "don't even bother trying" area for us. If Carer's Payment is inaccessible, bump NDIS a bunch of rungs higher on the inaccessibility scale - the criteria for that lot is worse. It's a system designed to look like helping to those who don't need it, but to deny help to as many people as possible. I.e. typical govt. system.

Yeah, I can imagine the interest rate being a huge problem for you, I've the impression your mortgage is a lot bigger than ours. Ours being tiny on the scale of mortgages, the rate rise has still hit us pretty hard. Shaving costs off is so difficult when we've already been doing that with everything. At least that interest free period on your credit card is very good, I've never heard of a year on them before, a month at most these days. Worth making the most of.

We need to be resilient, that's for sure. Good thing we are. It's so exhausting though, isn't it? Having to be so resilient all the time. I'd like a break, now and then. You know, a week even, to enjoy being a newlywed. Life says no.

You're right, so few people really understand. You get things about my life that no-one else does, the bad but also the good. I am thankful for your attitude to life, that determination and willingness to look for solutions upon which you act. It's something I see in almost no-one. You are an uplifting person to talk to, and that is something I have needed greatly. I appreciate you.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, I appreciate you all the time too. You ground me, mirror what I'm going through mentally, identically in so many ways. Possibly same values too which makes for a great friendship. 
I even have sharply tangent values to my life long friends on some things. Not you lol. 

Yes good, try your GP. Something's gotta give on this. I really think we are part of the "working poor". Not that we're ACTUALLY poor, as people remind me "Just sell your house" right... and be homeless with a bunch of kids? Gee THAT'S WISE, not. 
We'd be living in a van WITH our chickens! 

Sounds like a beautiful Ceremony you had. Thankyou for telling me more. I was wondering about that today but don't want to pry! I'd love to know more! 

Something my C told me last session really bugged me.. she said "You shouldn't have to live the way you do at your age, you're working and have worked all your life!"
I know. If I hadn't met d (for demon), things would be very different. But I did & trusted that d.
Stupid me? Trusting me. 
Bf is so sweet when I spurt regret over that farcical circus. He went thru similar but for a shorter time. 
We belong together lol. 

I barely write a fraction of what I have to do to "get by", providing for the kids. I've been hit by worse recently but haven't expanded. 

Yes, IDK why others can't understand us, uplift us, show sheer determination like we do. 

I think we're doing really well.
Esp considering the tremendous hardships we've faced and still face.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: 

There's much I haven't written about here yet.

Hitting the wall financially too, coming from many directions. Blindsided by unexpected expenses + one huge one at that. 

I'm clueless about how to do things "better", more frugally tbh. Something has to happen. I'll Pray on this. 
I'm working (hard) to maintain my MH gains. Working & MH are the priorities to keep our home. 

I had today off work and used the time well. Caught up on so much stuff that builds up. 

I was able to make some savings then not lol. I've no expensive habits at all. 
I constantly think of 2nd jobs to get, but my workplace has to "approve" this & they don't. I have to stay
FT & can't go PT to apply for their permission. I wouldn't cope with all the kids + what I'm currently doing.  Anyway...Yvette & I have a plan but we'll see how we go with that in a couple of years lol. 

I'll keep thinking. Keep doing! 

I'm enjoying "Reel Truth History Documentaries" on YT. I find the mix of History, Forensic Science & Anthropology a fascinating combo. Sometimes naming bones they've found that are 600y old! I'm impressed. 

EM

[ecomama]

Updating again. 

Took another day off work today. My tummy was all over the place from Sunday night and I needed to stay near a loo! Feeling yuck but got busy anyway. 

* burnt a heap of stuff
* moved a tree stump into the chook's shed. I like to give them some "interest" to be curious about, often. 
* raked and kept burning
* washed up the tons of containers from the donated chook food. We never have enough scraps! I take any leftovers to work for lunch or eat for dinner or freeze. 
* weeded lots and fed them to the chickens
* overflowed the washing machine with tank water - thanks ADHD and all else! I think I've been dissociating quite a bit, can't even remember putting it ON. Maybe one of the kids did it to help, IDK. 
* filled 3 empty seed sacks of rubbish from the garden, plastics, concrete grr. 
* found another hole in the chook's shed wire, looked like fox's fur on the wire - great. 

Feeling nervous about new neighbours moving in next door. I hope they're nice. They can SEE right into the top part of my back yard. I don't like that. No privacy down there. 

Cooking an "easy meal" for dinner tonight before all the kids go out to FUTSAL. Still I'll have to get some stuff from the shops which is annoying. 

I've been wracking my brain how to pay this $10k I was blindsided with. Bf said to just start paying little payments. ACs said to ignore it, lol, now I see their attitude about monies they said they'd pay me back for ... and haven't. Great. 

IDK still haven't put in my last year's tax return. It's mostly done. Need to pay the Accountant first. 

Stuff needs to be paid, but the dominoes lining back on what has to be paid first is overwhelming me. It's logged in my phone diary on Pay Day. There's nothing left to start paying MORE out. 

Took more stuff to sell downstairs. 
EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Glad I can help ground you, EM. I think the only value tangent we have is re religion. That said, we're pointed in the same direction, just one with belief in God and one without. Our core values are much the same. It does indeed make for a great friendship.

Ugh, "working poor" is right. I'm with you about selling the house. Renting is more expensive than a mortgage, you sure wouldn't be better off. Re expensive exes, I'd be working less too, but for him costing me tens of thousands in the break-up, and the bank making it worse. Getting by is hard. It is unjust, but we endure.

I wish you weren't having these surprise expenses, that really sucks. I know you are frugal and doing the best you can. If you want to talk more at length about it, see if I have anything useful to suggest, there's always the money thread. Sounds like maybe that tax return is a priority, to get some cash flow?

Wow, you really did get a lot done, go you! Hope your stomach held up okay for all that. Aargh at the washing machine, I hate it when stuff like that happens. For me it's usually eggs boiling over. I have my little kitchen timer I put on now, to check them before they're likely to be boiling and turn the stove down. Phone timer can work too, but then you see a message or reminder, get distracted, and oops, eggs boiling over! I like the kitchen timer because it has one function and it's cute (I got an owl shaped one off eBay).

Probably out of words now. Kind thoughts,

Blue.