new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Croix]

Dear EM (with a wave to Mara)~

I'm not sure you are going to be over the moon with my 2 ¢'s worth. Maybe you should read it wiht a friend to hand - yes I'm serious..

Reasonable warning: I am not a doctor, just a mug who has been under psychiatric care for very many years and may have wildly wrong opinions. I may have misunderstood your posts and also the aftermath of my PTSD has probably made me less trusting than is warranted:

• Your STP has one patient -you- not a continuing experience with many every week. and colleagues in hte same practice to talk with
• Your STP is engaged (presumably at least partly in research &/or teaching) and may regards 'facts' on paper as a holy grail
• Your STP, by insisting on honesty multiple times is adopting an adversarial position, not a supportive one
• Your STP has not followed though on a weekly regime although promising it (yes I know, later on, however I would have thought that first couple of sessions crucial)
• Your STP should realise that to recall every strategy you have used to cope with the possibility of re-traumatizing is there
• This may well be cumulative if there are many coping incidents to report
• You have made no mention of special instructions your STP made concerning your welfare when filling in of these matters (you are wise to have someone withing reach)
• You have a treatment history that is rich in practitioners, liaison between them and your STP on more than a minimal basis should be a must and cut out a lot of preliminary checking
• Each time you are not believed it is harmful to you
• You put your heart and soul into being believed and 'getting FIXED'
• May I suggest you go into this fresh enterprise with your eyes open.

Sorry, horribly blunt. Not designed to promote trust between you and the STP. I raise these matters as some things you might consider -and quite possibly reject. I have no particular path to wisdom and may well be over-suspicious or ignorant.

I do have a question, one I have changed my own answer to over the years as I've come to see myself differently, what do you regard as "FIXED"?

Croix

[ecomama]

Dear Croix

Thankyou! I agree with EVERY point. That's EXACTLY what I was thinking AND just to allay both our concerns that it may be our OWN PTSD being triggered into thinking this, NO.

I spoke with a different Psych friend yesterday & they agreed. So it was the dare I say 'normal' part of our mind that was reacting in that way. THANKYOU!

I spoke in more frank & psychological terms with the other psych yesterday and we both believe the STP viewed me only through her 'schema' of 'known trajectories' of 'how a person SHOULD be with those multiple traumas'. Bang.

STP has triggered me more than you say (although I'm glad to have the clarity of MIND! to recognize these things). Throughout the WHOLE ENTIRE & very threatening Court processes, I had to fight tooth and nail in the most clinical ways - via multiple affidavits / reports / interviews and blah blah..... ALWAYS maintain a supremely calm demeanor which is virtually impossible when you're facing THE most terrible truths of your life AND the very lives of your children.

Horrible. Abusive. Triggering. DISGUSTING. Abhorrent. Inhumane.

But I made it and by golly I will not let ANYONE throw me off my path of recovery.... which answers your question of what does "fix" mean. I NEED to feel "better" whatever that entails. And I'll DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to get the right help. I don't use drugs & alcohol (apparently that's a 'miracle' but who cares it's true), so that's not what I mean by feeling better LOL! As one boss suggested I'll be able to do that one day, drink that is. YUCK no thanks! lol. Just because it's COMMON, doesn't mean it's NORMAL.

Oh & I appear "normal" lol.

Adversarial you bet! And NOT a feeling I need AT ALL. I will dump & move on in a blink if the next session is like for even 5 minutes, I'll time it. Ridiculous.

You're absolutely right about the strategies triggering me. Thinking of all the things I use maybe 20x before 9am is triggering. I wrote about 7 down last night & I'm done. IF I FEEL OH SO RELAXED ONE day & a strategy occurs to me, I'll write it down.

Sincerely thankyou Croix. I know that was a difficult post to write & I thank you for every letter and the use of your mind lol. It's a precious one!

I have to go out now. Out ALL day. Eldest D told me a horrible thing yesterday & it wouldn't surprise me AT ALL if those 'others' know about my STP and spoke with her. Via access to Ds phone without her knowledge or permission.

They have NO IDEA who they're dealing with here.

xxEM

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your posts first and I will do better next time I come on. Sorry. Thankyou. xxxxxxxxx

Omg, things have gone ballistic with my eldest daughter and police getting are involved now.

It's the same situation perpetuated.

Please Pray for us today. I have to go.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em (with a wave to Croix),

No need to apologise. I could tell by reading your reply to Croix, that you have a lot going on at the minute.

I am definitely thinking of you and sending a pray your way. Hoping that things in relation to your daughter settle quickly.

We can chat once things settle down for you.

In the meantime, take care and stay safe.

Love

Mara

PS Croix, you raised some very good points. I love your clarity. So much of what you said is on the money. Not being believed by the professionals that are supposed to be helping you, as you said, is incredibly harmful. Whilst your reply was mainly to Em, I learnt a lot from it. So thank you once again O Wise Walrus.

Take care

Mara

[Mara56]

Hi Em & Croix,

Just quickly, following on from Croix's post. I thought of something. Your STP is involved in research. I wondered whether her getting you to complete all these questionnaires etc is her getting an overview of you or could it be for her benefit and gaining information for her research.

It is just a thought but it crossed my mind and thought I'd mention it.

Cheers

Mara

[Croix]

Dear Mara (I'd wave to EM but she has her hands full ATM)~

I would not wish to be unfair. Being connected to a university I'm sure the psyciatrist would have the University's Research Governance Board in mind and any material provided by a client for other than their personal treatment, such as research, would involve written informed consent.

I'm glad my post struck a chord with you too, I felt obliged to offer up those possibilities

Croix

[Mara56]

Dear Croix,

You are of course right about written consent. My brain is not very clear atm, I’m dealing with another migraine. But reading your reply to my post, you are absolutely correct.

Thanks again Croix.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Mara56 said:

Hi Em & Croix,

Just quickly, following on from Croix's post. I thought of something. Your STP is involved in research. I wondered whether her getting you to complete all these questionnaires etc is her getting an overview of you or could it be for her benefit and gaining information for her research.

It is just a thought but it crossed my mind and thought I'd mention it.

Cheers

Mara

Snap. Thought the same thing and I'm not filling them in.

Not until AFTER our next session on the following conditions:
* I feel safe enough to talk with her at all - if not I'm leaving and have 4 more lined up anyway.
* I trust that my confidentiality has not been breached and she will not be swayed by past abuser(s) now that they know she is my new psych. (from latest events here)
* That she BELIEVES me and stops saying to me in a belittling and condescending way "now be honest when I ask..." freaking hell.

Oh I am VERY sure my sessions etc will be fed into data, that's why I chose her primarily. BECAUSE I WANT THE M.O. to change lol!

The pinnacle question I have for her next is "Are you planning a case study on me".
That's an ENTIRELY different ball game then, for reasons I will tell you if this is the case after I find out.

EM
NB: Stupidly I've been thinking about HOW I want to dress for the next appt! I will leave that to impulse on the day lol.

[ecomama]

Croix said:

Dear Mara (I'd wave to EM but she has her hands full ATM)~

I would not wish to be unfair. Being connected to a university I'm sure the psyciatrist would have the University's Research Governance Board in mind and any material provided by a client for other than their personal treatment, such as research, would involve written informed consent.

I'm glad my post struck a chord with you too, I felt obliged to offer up those possibilities

Croix

All hands, feet and freaking all shoulders full atm, what a revolting day I've had. One of the worst.

Still can manage a wave lol. Hi....

I think I skirted that in my last post.

The bombshell I completely forgot to post about ….. twiddly drum roll.... sigh.... she doesn't do EMDR. I KNOW!!!

I had a freak out. But she calmed me down lol by saying why.... research.... blah blah blah… you know that kid f stuff.

SO I think I'll give this maybe 5 sessions and if I don't FEEL like any steps of progress by me are being made then...…. hmmmmm…… is it the Smiling Mind website that has those AWESOME markers you score before a Meditation Exercise then after ??????????

WOULDN'T THAT be an awesome way to score myself BEFORE and AFTER each session! Then having like temperature gages in different colours on a main page in my "Report book"....

lol, I digress.. and I fear OCD may come along as a diagnosis too after rereading that! lol.

But I'll leave and get an EMDR therapist OR just see one anyway.

It's my life and certainly MY MIND so I'll do what I want and what I think is best.

I'm FINE with any hard graft BUT I'm not fine diddlytwanging around.
I'm also fine to fill in ANY psychometrics but I am NOT fine with my confidentiality being breached (again).

EM

[blondguy]

Hey EM

just a humble note of appreciation for your valued input in the 'Mindfulness..What is it' thread...I havent been online (anywhere) as much as I used to...Thankyou for all of your help...Nice1

my kind thoughts

Paul