Need help

[nexttime]

I am in my 60s and have struggled with psychological pain, anger, isolation, self loathing, etc all my life. I’ve had a lot of counseling and therapy and medication, but nothing really got anywhere near making a difference. Recently a chance comment led me to realise that I have carried a huge load of toxic stress all my life on account of childhood emotional abuse and neglect. I had never recognised what happened to me as trauma because it wasn’t physical abuse. While the realization of what is actually going on is a massive relief (I am not mad or bad, I am not mysteriously a failure at talk therapy), it does bring another load of anger and despair about why none of the people I turned to for help ever recognised my trauma symptoms, and about all the time I have lost to this pain. After a difficult search I have found a trauma focused therapist but starting this again is slow and I am still struggling to deal with the episodes of extreme anger, fear and sadness that erupt when I am triggered - and I find myself triggered more and more often by more and more things. I am exhausted and frightened. An hour once a week with a new therapist is not helping yet, particularly as I have to tell the whole story all over again just to get to a starting point. I don’t have any effective strategies to get through my days and nights, or to start to calm myself. I’m trying yoga and tapping, more exercise, etc but I’m often left feeling worse afterwards and terrified at the feelings that flood back when the distraction ends. I wonder if anyone else feels or has felt like this, and if anyone has found anything that works.

[Sophie_M]

Dear nexttime,

Welcome to our forums, and thank you for finding the strength to post about your confusion around this success in your journey. As a supportive community, we like to help, and we enjoy sharing in the successes.

We understand that people can spend many years struggling and never find that which started the struggle. Now that you have had this success, you may be able to start making the connections inside, and processing the emotions which had been blocked.

Now, as you work through the flood of emotions which are so desperate to get released, you might be able  start making your way through to acceptance and understanding of the strong and courageous person that you are.

We are always here to support you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[nexttime]

Thank you so much. It does help to be ‘seen’ as someone struggling with trauma, even if it is anonymous and online, as I generally feel very alone and invisible. And helpless, with all of its associated rage and fear - which I am beginning to understand is a big part of complex trauma. I’ve read a few posts from other threads and can see that others out there are having similar experiences. To all of those people - I see you now too, and really wish you strength and support and a pathway to calm.

[Mum Chris]

Hi nexttime

Nice to meet you, you can ask your psychologist for help with coming down after being triggered There are many ways to turn off the cortisol and adrenal response Being triggered for people with CPTSD is not just what happens in your brain it’s also happening in your body.

High cortisol levels can be chronic and with the slightest thing you can spiral into a bad way quite easily You don’t have to wait to see your psychologist you can practice each day calming breathing and relaxing and thinking about your happiest place your dream place and imagine being there how it feels how it looks like. Doing things that a good for you such as grooming or getting outside listen to nature if you can’t do that then a favourite activity Read or watch a funny show anything to give you a good feeling

I can now stand up for myself and voice my opinion without getting sick or angry It does get better My psychologist investigates I bad situation and how it felt and then 4 good good things so I have more good than bad

I find it’s very easy for me to neglect myself and to get bogged down other’s problems or just feel super anxious or unhappy Making changes to everyday life and patterns is soooooo hard My psychologist wants me to get fit blah I just want to stay hidden and veg out I work full time and I’m nearing retirement so I’m exhausted already but exercise and mental health is connected it’s not everything but it helps

All the best MC

[nexttime]

Thank you Mum Chris for your thoughts. I appreciate that you took the time to respond. I’m glad to hear that things are getting better for you - it gives me some hope. I struggle very much with the thought that I’ve wasted so many years being miserable, and now I have fewer years to try to get better. I can’t imagine what getting better would actually look and feel like at this point. I am seeing a new therapist and I doubt it will work out - just does not feel like this is the right person for me, and I’m left feeling much worse after each session. The therapist has just suggested I sort of hang in there and wait. I am trying to exercise, distract myself etc but most of the time it feels like a chore, like dragging through life under a dark heavy moldy wet blanket that I can’t throw off. I would prefer to be working so at least my days would be full, so I envy you that Mum Chris, even though it is exhausting. All the best

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi nexttime,

Thank you for sharing this with us and I'm sorry to hear how much you are struggling. Can I make a suggestion? Tell your therapist to slow down.

Trauma healing is slow and painful, but you don't have to share your story just yet to be working through your own recovery. Sometimes, my own recovery is about slowing down. Learning to breathe, reminding myself that what I'm feeling is my body and brain remembering the past, and the past is over now.

This might sound really obvious, but when you are feeling triggered and frightened, it is because your brain is kind of stuck in time. So it's not your fault, but going slow can help you learn to manage the day to day.

I also don't think you've wasted time. You've learned that what you're coping with is trauma, and you've allowed yourself to feel sadness, fear and extreme anger. None of this is easy to do. I've seen so many therapists and my experience didn't fit within the textbook, so it's understandable. I've seen therapists for years and I still struggle to feel angry, so it's tough.

I hope this brings you some sort of comfort and helps a little. Thanks for joining us.

rt

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I second rt you can tell therapist you need to slow down and focus on some coping skills. It’s really tough and I struggle to get out of bed and leave my room. I’m just starting to find my voice and life keeps happening around me. New trials and stresses everyday.
Regret and despair and guilt are symptoms of ptsd and learning to let go of self blame is a biggy. You say you wish things and change is coming too late. This to me sounds like symptoms. You can only do your best not others best.
hope you are ok

MC

[Eagle Ray]

Dear nexttime,

I really empathise with your experience. I have spent years trying to get help from talk therapy and it really hasn’t helped the complex trauma trapped in my body. Like you I frequently felt worse after sessions. I think part of this is the preverbal nature of complex trauma from early childhood. When we find ourselves retraumatised our bodies return to a time when we had no access to an adult brain that can analyse the situation, let alone a place of safety to go to. We are back in the feeling and sensing state our nervous system was in then, essentially survival mode.

I’ve been on a mission to search for approaches that start from the body instead of trying to cognisise about trauma, because it is only by meeting the body where it’s at right now that seems to help. I’ve just set up to do a Telehealth appointment with a psychologist who does a method called somatic experiencing which starts from the body before trying to bring cognitive processes online. This appeals to me so much more and I’m hopeful I might finally get to do some ongoing therapy that actually helps to shift trauma and bring my body into a new state.

The guy who developed this method, Peter Levine, has an exercise he gets people to do where they chant a deep “vooo” sound from their belly, feeling it resonate right through them. He said this can be a way of coping with despair and I watched a video where he talked about doing this with an emergency nurse treating ill and dying patients when Covid was at its peak. It regrounds the body in the present moment, calms the nervous system and can help to come out of a traumatised state of despair.

I actually just did this exercise only a few minutes ago as I was feeling despairing and demoralised about my current health struggles which I’m sure are actually related to my complex trauma history. Everything was getting on top of me but I am feeling a bit better, whereas if I try to solve such feelings just by thinking it does not work.

So in a way, it’s a kind of self-soothing, like the way a kind parent would soothe and comfort a child. A lot of us with complex trauma missed out on such soothing and so it’s like providing for ourselves what we didn’t get then. I understand how hard it is and I understand the feelings of isolation which I had pretty badly today actually. Sending you best wishes and a big hug 🤗

[nexttime]

hank you Eagle Ray

I totally agree with you about trauma being held in the body, and the body being where the healing has to start. I have read some of Peter Levine’s work, and have started working with someone who does this kind of therapy. I just don’t know how much healing is possible for me after so much time. Everyone says things like ‘it’s never too late’, etc, but that’s just words and bland, expected responses. I don’t know whether anyone ever really heals from this sort of thing. I am not hopeful. Everyone also says things like ‘hang in there, it will get better, blah, blah’. But it doesn’t really get better and it’s too late for me to do so many things. Some posts on these forums are from people who are brave and strong and I really admire them.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear next time,

I hear you. At times I feel it is too late for me and I am hanging on to this flimsy thread for survival. It is hard beyond words and when my health deteriorated again just over a week ago I felt like my body was giving up.

But I did have a good first therapy session with a new therapist on Friday. I’ve been in self-protection mode at home but I decided yesterday to go whale watching as they’ve been sighted off the coast recently. Something about seeing these huge, beautiful creatures was energising and life-giving. I chose to be restful for the whole day, not even looking at the time. I visited a cafe when I was hungry then wandered by the ocean with my camera. I found cute, funny crabs scuttling about the rocks and saw a heron catch and eat a fish. I saw a nice sunset. When I got home I spent 2 hours watching 2 episodes of the Dog House, a show where rescue dogs are matched with people looking for a dog. The people on the show are so kind.

My reason for explaining this is I have felt at times it is all over for me and life has beaten me, especially in recent times. But there are still things in the world I love such as animals and nature. It is like by reconnecting with my senses - the feeling of sun on my face, the breeze on my skin, the sounds of birds, the raw energy of whales etc my body could reconnect with being alive and the present moment.

One of the hardest things I think those of us with complex trauma struggle with is how to take care of our own needs and give ourselves good experiences. Is there something you can do for yourself that is connected to something you love?

Also, do you feel worse after every therapy session? I was trying to persevere with therapy that left me feeling worse in the past. I realised it was the wrong fit, even with some who were using the somatic approaches I wanted to work with. I searched online until I found someone who seemed really suited to me as a person from her description of her approach. Finally I found someone who is suited to my gentle personality and I actually feel safe with. People with complex trauma have relational trauma and so we need to heal relationally in a healthy way.

I know it feels extremely hard, but it’s still possible for you to have good experiences and healing connections. A couple of weeks back I felt lost and called the Beyond Blue helpline, and just that conversation with an empathic person helped me to reset. Always reach out if you need help. You are not alone.