Narcissistic Abuse recovery

[21_23]

Hi everyone,  

I am really needing help and support,  or even advice.  

I have recently split from a 7 year relationship from what I now believe is a malignant narcissist. 

I am feeling damaged and empty, and also generally anxious and scared. 

I made the decision and it took 4 months to get him to actually leave the home. I have since been told many things he said and did that I was completely unaware of. It seems that he had a laid a very cunning long term plan which mostly centred on my trust and naivety. 

My whole sense of self has been rocked and my world turned upside down. I am now 52 and feel so stupid for trying so hard for so long with this person.  I think a lot about laying down to sleep and not waking up and what a relief ir would be.  I have 2 children who that would hurt greatly,  so that is not an option.  

As a result of the type of person he is and the way the relationship was, I am highly anxious and fearful. There were violence and threats in the beginning of the relationship which eventually ground me down to a fawning and weak person.  

He has no empathy for anyone in general so he would actually laugh if he knew how bad I am feeling.  I have gone completely no contact for months now, but he is now attacking me through the legal system. 

I suppose that I would just like any advice anyone may have. I have been having some counselling but it is expensive.  I am so incredibly disappointed in myself. 

[Tigs888]

Stay strong and think of the kids. They need their mum. I suffer from severe ptsd through 30 years of policing. Many a times I have had the ‘bad thoughts’ but I neutralise it with my kids around me. 

[21_23]

Hi Tiggs888,

Thank you for your comment.  I'm sorry to hear about your PTSD. Yes I know what you are saying about having the kids around.  I have needed to force myself to get up and get moving for the sake of the kids in the past couple of months. 

I think I find it hard to get moving and face everything head on sometimes.  

I try to just take it literally one step at a time to get going each day. 

[21_23]

Hi again DifferentMe,  I just wanted to check in to see how you were going and to see how your medication was going too. I have started and wanted to just see what perhaps to expect and to know how you are going on your journey. 

[Tigs888]

Morning DifferentMe,

Thank you for your email. Always a pleasure to know there are people around who care.

Well..its now almost 5 weeks off my meds and all my treating medical proffessionals are impressed with how I have managed the withdrawal side effects. The meds saved my life for years and I am glad to have a supportive GP, Psychatrist and Psychologist. The best thing I did was 'asking for help' when I knew my PTSD was wrecking my life. Its just unfortunate that NSW Police management caused more harm then good throughout my battle with PTSD whilst carrying on working for many more years with the Service. I went through 'hell..bullying and career discrimination'. Finally in 2012.....after a close call with self harm...I decided to stand up to the NSW Police and commenced civil litigation which I had a win. 

I hope my experience and positive outcome with life will be a much neeeded boost for you to keep going strong and remind yourself that you have made it through the biggest hurdle....by standing up to the bully. The legal process he is using confirms his behaviour. You have many state government support in place to assist you eg. Family Services. 

From my experience living through a toxic relationship...once you stand up, your on a new awesome journey in life.  And your kids will grow up happier and realise how much you have sacrificed. 

[21_23]

Hi Tigs888, 

Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry to hear about what you went through, that must have been so hard and it sounds like it went on for quite some time. It sounds like you have done so well and were/are so brave. I admire your strength. 

I am at the beginning of my meditation journey and have just increased my dose. I am hoping it helps as I am struggling quite heavily at the moment.  I am having some trouble feeling ok and feeling very low. 

I am resting as I don't feel able to be up and around and trying to stay hydrated.  

I appreciate any thoughts or advice on moving through the lowest times, and how you were able to keep hope and keep going. x