My story

[Kellsbellz]

So I went from Vic to WA to look after my brothers kids. He’s studying nursing and had a placement which fell over the week he had them. I only had 2 weeks of annual leave owing so I took it then (I work in neonatal intensive care) and he got then back on the wed-sun of the second week. My son is 28 and when I was a mum I was pretty strict knowing I was a single mum. These kids don’t get to see my brother ALOT so when they do he likes to make it the most fun time.

I respected this until the last day of my 2 weeks. I ordered cakes that thought everyone’s personality including my parents at home (I was leaving in 3 hours) My brother was upset bc the 6 year old didn’t get the cake he wanted. He ate his cake then decided he wanted his 8 yr old brothers cake. My brother saw red and got so upset I didn’t get the same one for him. He bought out my parents and sons cake that was in the fridge and offered it to the 6 year old. I begged him to please not but he gave my parents (in Melb) cake to him and he ate it. I said (after 2 weeks of keeping my mouth shut) this is why your kids behave like they do! 
My brother pulled me by my hair and threatened to physically assault me. My son got out of the spa and intervened and kept him off me but he said I wasted $600 on getting you here and don’t you ever speak to me or my kids again. I transferred the $600 into his account that minute and my son took me to the airport and I caught the closest plane. He’s tried to call me since but I have nothing to say. My son and parents want to pretend it never happened 

Im especially traumatised bc  was raped 15 mths ago and they are all aware of that

Several times my brother has used unacceptable language around that traumatic incident. 

Do I just leave it or do something?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kellsbellz,

Thank you for sharing your story here. It takes a huge amount of bravery to do so. We are so deeply sorry for what you have been through and what you are experiencing currently.

No one deserves to be subject to disrespectful language about something traumatic, especially from family.  We have reached out privately to make sure you’re ok. If you'd prefer to call us, we're on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach us online via our webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/   

It sounds like you could use some support with this. If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome 

Finally, there is a great resource here for support services based on which state you are in.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. If you’d like to share a bit more here about how you’ve been feeling, our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding.    

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Kellsbellz

First, have to say you have a truly upstanding son, someone to be incredibly proud of. The way he came to your defense in that time of need says a lot about him and the person who raised him. What a truly horrible incident which reflects a lack of your brother's self control. I feel for you so much with you having been on the other end of that, especially while still coping with the trauma from 15 months ago that you're still working hard to manage (another truly upsetting incident that reflects the impact of another person's traumatic lack of self control). 

I've found some folk to have a self-righteous facet to them. They can be the nicest of people until that facet of them is triggered to life. In some, that facet it brutal, whether it be verbally, mentally or physically brutal. When it comes to life, they believe they have the right to say and do as they please, no matter the impact. Heaven forbid if we challenge that part of them. Often, such a person is surrounded by people pleasers who fear that part of them being triggered to life, for it can not only be brutal but also anxiety inducing and deeply depressing at times. For you to decide 'I will no longer tolerate that part of my brother' is more than fair. To say to him 'Your self righteousness will no longer be my problem' is also fair. For you to say 'If you cannot manage that part of you, people around you will continue to suffer' is fair (including any of his kids who may suffer if they don't please him). Sounds like your son may get his upstanding nature from you, considering you stood up to this facet of your brother. Sounds like this was the straw that broke the camels back (the cake that broke months or years of silence, when it came to keeping your feelings to yourself). Being a deeply feeling kinda gal, I felt the lack of respect and consideration when your brother gave that cake to his son. For me, it felt like he was taking away the joy you wanted your parents to experience through that cake.

At 53, it was only in the last month that I snapped with my brother, who's 59. For years I felt myself on the end of the self righteous facet he has to him. He has so many other facets which had led me to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself over the years. He can be the most generous, deeply feeling, compassionate, conscious, loving person at times but at other times this part of him comes out and it's horrible. It can be degrading and depressing and stress inducing. My words to him over the phone were 'F you!' (have censored it here). This is the first time I'd ever spoken to him like this. I smile when I say I have a facet to me that I truly love, a facet that I affectionately call 'the intolerant cow' in me🐄. She mooooooves me to stand up for myself. When poked and prodded over and over, she tends to come to life through rising anger and intolerance. While having tried so hard to suppress this part of me for so many decades, finally I let go of the suppression and kinda proclaimed 'Happy birthday to you my beautiful intolerant cow. May I trust you to look after me well when I need you the most in life'. Should add, the sage in me keeps the reigns on her with the kinda dialogue that at times may sound a little like 'Say your piece but don't go burning that bridge just yet. You may need it'.

Is it possible a welcome and much needed part of you has come to life through the cake incident?