My Story

[Timeless]

I am in my early 40s, trans man FTM and I want to share something very personal about me, regarding the effects I am suffering in my adulthood, as a result of childhood sexual abuse. I have only ever been able to disclose this to my current and previous psychologist and my ex-wife. Why? Because of the shame, and guilt I feel inside me, and to speak openly about it, is almost unbearable. 

The effects that I am now suffering, started surfacing about 5 years ago, and I have been suffering in silence for about 1 year now. I was exposed to numerous types of traumatic events throughout my childhood, including sexual abuse and I have been seeking professional help for more than 20 years and have gone undiagnosed until about 3 years ago. My mental health conditions include, C-PTSD, Dissociative Disorder, Sensory Issues (touch), major Anxiety and Depression. When the effects started to surface, I was in absolute shock and extremely confused. I felt ashamed and this prevented me from being able to share what was happening to me, with anyone, including my treating psychologist. I will disclose with you now the effects that surfaced for me; I was finding myself being aroused at the thought of my sexual abuse, I could not believe that I was turned on by the sexual abuse I endured throughout my childhood. How is this possible? I didn't know what to do but I had to do something to make sense of what was happening to me. This lead me to begin an extensive search online, and I am talking about months and months of research. Every google search kept coming up empty. The only effects ever mentioned would be repeated over and over, for example, PTSD, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, self-harm, high-risk behaviours and many more but no where did it mention, being aroused or turned on at the thought of being sexually abused as a child. During my last psychology session, I disclosed more in-depth details about what was happening to me, that I am in distress, and that I have had enough. I also spoke about 2 books that I had read, 1 I had personally found and it's by a female author who remains anonymous and it was her story of childhood sexual abuse and the long-term effects; the other was recommended to me, and it's about a study of 40 women who had suffered childhood sexual abuse and my psychologist had never heard of it. I'm not the only suffering in silence, and I want to change that and help people like me. The worst, is where the research lead me.

[Croix]

Dear Timeless~

I'm glad you have come here and managed to talk about things that you have held back in the past. Life has handed you a very hard time right from when you were young, but on reading you post here and also the  support you gave Flamingo23 I think you are a generous soul, wanting to help others who have been as isolated as you

Psychiatrists and other medical professionals can be a disappointment. I've been very lucky and my PTSD, depression and anxiety conditions have found a knowledgeable reception and competent help, however I can well imagine given the complexity of your experience had their effect on you they may not have the  experience to deal with things well, and tend to fall back on what they do know - which may not be much help.

I'm not sure that scanning Google might get you where you want to go either

OK, with being aroused by abuse, on the face of it that does not sound intuitive, however nothing is ever straightforward and - forgive me if I'm wrong - I suspect it is a clash between conventional thinking and what you have come to expect, vs what is actually happening.

It does not mean you condone what has happened, or even want it to happen again, it is just the way things have affected you.

I'm just someone with a less complex set of illness to you, not a doctor, so if I now go down the wrong track with my layman's ideas I apologize. I believe there is a mental attitude called 'Stockholm Syndrome'  where a power imbalance may affect how a person feels, and I'm suggesting this  may apply to abuse as well as other circumstances such as the well-known hostage situation, I'm not suggestion this is something that applies to you, just that how one feels can be unpredictable

While you may find it hard to comprehend and may even feel you 'should not' feel this way (if one is prone to blame oneself this might be a sticking point), I'd take the opposite tack and suggest simply go with the flow. The only thing I feel is important is not hurting other people, and from the sound of your post no matter what you feel inside you want to help others

Which reminds me, there are a huge number of people that read posts. It may well be your forthright honest message has already helped others that you will never know. Realizing one is not alone is a big thing

I hope we talk again

Croix

[Timeless]

Dear Croix, 

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your message. 

I am very well educated about mental health issues, as I have been around it for most of my life. My mum is schizoaffective and over the years, I have taken the time to educate myself, to better understand my mums diagnosis. I am a bit of a nerd and have a thirst for knowledge and when I don’t know something, I take the time to educate myself, especially anything regarding mental health issues. On both sides of my family, we have mental health issues and my family aren’t great at communicating and no one ever spoke about the difficulties that we faced as a result of the mental health issues, which is unfortunate. My family are still like this to this very day. 

I have learned from my previous and my current treating psychologist, that what I am experiencing is common but unfortunately, there isn’t much information out there because it is such a taboo subject and people are too scared to speak openly, which is completely understandable because of the shame and guilt that they feel. 

During my endless months of research, I found myself entering sites and apps, that had rooms where I could go and chat with like minded people. Initially I entered these rooms in search of people that were experiencing or had experienced what I was experiencing. I felt like I was the only person in the world that felt this way and I quickly discovered that I was not alone. I have had chats with many people on many different platforms and all I wanted to do, was talk and share my experiences and to hear about their experiences. 

[Timeless]

It didn’t take long before I found myself using these platforms in a way that I didn’t expect and I was using it to feed the arousal part of me and it would become addictive. During the past year, I became addicted and it was consuming a lot of my time. I would then start a pattern of creating accounts, getting what I needed then I’d feel shame and guilt, and then I’d delete all accounts, until the feelings resurfaced and I’d create accounts and this cycle has continued. It wasn’t until recently where I found myself taking risks that could lead to serious consequences. I immediately deleted all my accounts and reached out to my psychologist and asked for help and that I cannot continue with this behaviour. 

I spoke with my psychologist about the fact that there’s not a safe space where people like myself can go to get help and support and I told her that this needs to change. A lot of people that I chatted with, had very similar experiences to me and that to speak openly about how we feel, is extremely difficult because of the fear that we will be judged and no one will understand, because no one could possibly understand, unless they have been through it themselves. 

[Timeless]

It took me a long time to accept this part of me but I can no longer afford to continue the pattern of behaviour that I have been doing for the past year or so. I know it’s a way of processing the sexual abuse, and my psychologist agreed that it is a way of processing but it’s clearly not the right way to process it but it’s been the only way for me to understand and process it all, until I could find the strength and courage to speak up about it. 

I want to create a safe space for people like me, a platform where people can go and talk about their experiences and feelings but also a place where they can find resources to get the right information, help and support they need to process and heal. 

I am going to speak with professionals that specialise in this area and get some advice and look at creating a website, possibly a blogging website where I speak openly about what I’ve been going through and to let people know that they are not alone. I’m willing to make that sacrifice, if it means that I can help others and to possibly prevent the cycle of sexual abuse. I already knew that most abusers were once the abused and for some people, it was ‘normal’ to them and that’s all they knew. 

Thank you again and I hope you’re right, in saying that people have read my post and they now know, that they are not alone. 

Timeless 

[Croix]

Dear Timeless~

Getting rid of all those accounts - even though they give you a measure of reward - and seeking assistance instead strikes me as something someone with strenght and perspective would do.

I also think you are lucky if you have found a psych who understands not only you history, but also your reaction to it -and was able ot say is not that uncommon.

While you are quite right that some people that have been abused go on to do the same themselves, possibly knowing no other life, I do not believe it happens to everyone. Whatever your internal feelings you want to lend a hand to those that have similar hassles and if nothing else help them realise they are not alone.

While I'm very familiar with the fact the people who have been abused feel guilt and shame I'm not really sure why, I can only think all human beings believe in charting their own destiny and feel that have failed. That plus the prejudice and stigma in the world. Dunno. Perhaps you might have more insight about this.

As for the hidden audience, I cannot quote current figures however the silent majority that read but never post is enormous, and in amongst them will be people that take heart from your writing.

A safe space sounds a brilliant idea.

I hoe to talk more with you

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello Timeless (& Croix)

I have read through this Discussion. I saw it before Croix responded & nearly responded then, but now I think I was a little off track, so I'm glad I wanted to think a little more before. posting.

I appreciate your posting here& think how difficult it must have been for you to open up to us. Thank you for trusting us.

I am another person with a history. I've struggled with the how & why & with my own feelings of guilt for not being able to stop what was happening much sooner than I did. I don't know if the people who abused me had their own history or not. For at least one person, I suspect so. He was really 'out of the ordinary', I guess I can say.

I'm not sure how I got the message that this was all something to be ashamed of. Maybe because of taboo, & some comments about familial relationships. How I was silenced, warned & led to believe I was complicit & would get in trouble, too, by the abusers.

I was disturbed by a dream I had recently. & I'm reminded of other dreams & ideas I've had. Being dreams & ideas, I've been able to detach from them. I'm not aroused by them. Confused, bothered, yes indeed.

When I first read your post, I tried to recall what my PDr* said when I told him about the most recent dream which is the most disturbing dream I've had in relation to this topic & I realise I can't remember what he actually said, only he offered a different perspective, which I had found reassuring. if I can hold on to the idea that a different interpretation is possible, I'll take it. It doesn't have to mean I want to abuse anyone.

I have learned, thoughts & feelings are not actions. Even being aroused doesn't mean you have to act on that feeling. This is the choice you can make.

This subject is certainly not one which most people would be comfortable with. I'm still not sure I've entered this discussion in a way I'm entirely happy with. Your experiences don't really parallel mine & what you've been doing is not what I have even thought to do. 

Like Croix, I think many more people read without posting. That's why 'supported' your post; I wanted to let you know I was reading. 

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[sbella02]

Timeless,

My heart breaks for you hearing the immense trauma that you've suffered, I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal with us, we really appreciate you reaching out. I know how difficult it can be to talk about intimate traumas like this, and I commend your bravery in putting it into words for us on the forums.

As counterintuitive as it sounds, the arousal that you have described is actually surprisingly normal. It doesn't seem to make sense, and perhaps there's some deep psychological explanation, but I can assure you that you're not alone in your experience here. Believe it or not, I was actually discussing a similar topic with one of my university supervisors the other day (I'm studying psychology). He had mentioned a case study where somebody who had been sexually abused at a young age felt great shame because he experienced involuntary sexual arousal in that moment, and therefore assumed some responsibility for what had happened to him. The mind has different ways of coping with traumatic events, and that kind of response can be one of the ways that trauma can manifest. 

It's great that you're seeking professional help and support as well. I've had personal experience with unwanted sexual interaction, and talking through it with somebody can be helpful, particularly somebody who's been through something similar. I'm also a huge advocate for the benefits of journalling, specifically writing about your experience and how it has made you feel, because it removes the pressure of feeling like you have to censor yourself or filter what you say.

Croix and mmMekitty have also given some powerful advice, and I hope my words can build upon theirs. We're always here to listen if you have more you need to get off your chest or ask about. You don't have to feel alone or ashamed in your experience.

Take care and wishing you all the best, SB