My story, wanting to understand.

Cacciatore77

Hello Beyond Blue,

I hope we are all going great for new year.

Im wanting to share my story, I'm trying to get the free councilling sessions from Victims services, but in the mean time I just want to be heard, I'm a 25 yr old male if that helps. Trigger warning: This involves DV and emotional/psychological abuse as a child. I'll try keep this short

From as early as I can literally remember, my parents had a very rough relationship. I can't count how many times I watched my father beat the absolute fuck out of mum. We lived in a rural area with my grandparents in the nearest house across the paddock. From about 3, when the fighting started, I'd run over to their house screaming for them to help, and they'd go try break it up. My grandparents were my anchor at that time. Often I would cry to stay there because I was scared of the house. Id have this same nightmare over and over, and I'd dissociate heavily when my brain tried to ponder on my fears. So there was the DV, but another thing among others that fucked me up (this may make your stomach churn a little), when I was maybe 3-4, my father would sit me up on his PC, and show me extremely violent pictures and videos on an old website that any 90s/00s folks might remember. This pains me, as I feel my father stripped me of any innocence I had. I get teary thinking about it, what kind of grown man shows a child whos favourite passtime is Sesame Street and the Wiggles, pictures of people committing suicide and people being executed?

The DV went on until I was about 5, my mother had more then enough, my baby brother was not long born. She feared one of them were going to end up killing each other, and I don't doubt her validity. After I was taken away by DOCs, for the remainder of my childhood I had to visit my father every fortnight. Nearly everytime I visited him, there was always something stuck up his arse. If it wasn't him driving my emotions into the ground, it was death threats on my mother, he'd tell me he'd kill her and any man she got with, any baby they would have together. The shit he would say and emotionally do to me is a plethora of absolute pathetic insecure dribble. I swear sometimes my father wanted me to fail, either that or he is a complete moron that thought he was trying to toughen me up, which just did the opposite.

It went on up until I was maybe 13 when I started giving shit back to him, once I got older he calmed down a lot, he realised he couldn't control me anymore so he just gave up. Our relationship has been pretty good over the years, but a number of times we got into punch ups and arguments when we were drinking. I guess that was just me finally releasing all of my pain for him to see. But, some people you just can't change, he even laughed at me one time while I balled my eyes out screaming at him.

But besides all that, most of my childhood was good, you always have to remember the bright side.

I had pretty bad anxiety throughout highschool, I found socialising extremely difficult. But I'm not bothered about it because I know most people don't go through what some do, so I take it with stride.

A lot of things resurfaces when my mothers partner, who was a paramedic, spiralled into a state of Fentanyl addiction and PTSD. It started back up when he locked himself in the bathroom one day and tried to kill himself by OD. I went into adrenaline mode and started CPR, I watched the life just drain out of his body, it was complete insanity.

After that, a lot of memories and feelings from my childhood resurfaced, I started having the same nightmare I had as a kid again. Months after just before I was to finish yr 12, my girlfriend at the time who was my rock, broke up with me, and that really fucked me up even further. I quit school and wallowd in depression, but not long after, my ex step dad accidentally set the house on fire an we lost everything. Honestly, when it was happening I just dissociated again, the loss didn't really hit me as hard as my mother.

I've tried to keep everything short, theres a lot more I could talk about, but thats the bulk of it.

Just wanting somebody to read my story, and maybe help me out a little. At the moment I'm struck with Anxiety and Agoraphobia, dunno if I suffer anything else but I for sure am pretty emotionally dysregulated. Thank you a lot of you read this for me, you don't have to reply but I'm cool with any input anyone has.

Eagle Ray

Dear Cacciatore77,

I am so very sorry that you endured those traumatic experiences in childhood and later as well. I think the later ones can bring back the earlier ones, like the experience with your mum's partner and then the memories, feelings and nightmare from childhood resurfacing. It is not surprising that you are experiencing anxiety and agoraphobia.

Have you sought any professional help? It may help to work with a trauma-informed psychologist but it's important to find someone who is a good fit. I'm diagnosed with CPTSD from my childhood experiences and had some later traumas too. I've worked with a really good psychologist since mid 2022 and it's made a big difference. One of the most healing things is having someone else hear your story, understand and be compassionately present with you. That can really help with the dysregulation that comes with trauma. Over time your system starts to feel safer and more trusting of the world, but perhaps most importantly your trust in yourself grows as someone else believes in you and supports you. You did not get the nurturance and safety you should have as a child, but those things can be developed in adulthood.

What I did was research different trauma approaches and I found one I really connected with called Somatic Experiencing. It was developed by a psychologist and trauma specialist Peter Levine and I've read his books "In An Unspoken Voice" and "Trauma and Memory" which helped me really understand the processes going on in my nervous system. I then looked for practitioners of the method and the first people I tried weren't quite right. But then I found my current psychologist and it has worked really well. We actually released the trauma I was holding in my body from one particular trauma in only my second session with her. We've progressively worked through various things with a few other approaches as well and I can honestly say I am going in a healing direction. You can get a Mental Health Care Plan through your GP which will give you a Medicare rebate that reduces the cost of seeing a psychologist.

I just mention those things in case they are helpful and give some hope that you won't stay stuck where you are. Are there any other supports you have in your life at the moment? It can also help to talk things through on a helpline such as Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636. Another one that could be really helpful for you is The Blue Knot Foundation on 1300 657 380. They specialise in supporting people who have been through complex trauma in childhood. They are available from 9am to 5pm (eastern states time) 7 days a week. They will talk for up to 45 minutes though can be limited to 30 minutes when busy. They are good at helping to establish a feeling of safety and stabilisation and they get how trauma affects the nervous system. I've called them a number of times and it's been helpful.

Please feel free to chat more if you would like to. Also, know there is help and support out there and it can just be a case of searching until you find the right people to work with. We are here to listen to you.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

Cacciatore77

Hey Eagle Ray! Thank you so much for taking the time to read that and reply. Ive had varying levels of helo Councillors and Psychologists, last one I saw maybe 3-4 years ago was a good person to talk to, but Ive been pretty terrible with commiting to a longer period of therapy, I think I get to a point where I feel like I don't want to talk about my problems any further and try to just move through life unbothered, but I go out into the world and eventually find myself being back at square one. I guess there's still a lot of feelings bottled up that I haven't found a way around. The last person I spoke to was just a regular councillor, I don't think she was as well equipped as I might need someone to be to discuss Trauma and the feelings around it, and specifically I think the exposure to violence and violent materials at such a young age, and how thats affected my ability to recuperate from that feeling of unsafety I always feel, its persisted through my life and I've tried to bottle it up, but the longer you do that the more pressure that builds up in that bottle. I feel excessively concerned with things out of my control, the state of the world, other peoples feelings, I hold myself responsible for these things when the best thing I need to do is let go of those fears. I just struggle with figuring out how. I'll try lurk around as much as I can, if this sites active enough I hope I can try learn something here.

Again, thanks heaps mate, its much appreciated and I hope your new year is treating you well.

Eagle Ray

Hey Cacciatore77!

I do understand what you mean about not wanting to keep talking about your problems in therapy. I had gotten to that point too. That's when I started looking into somatic therapies that actually shift trauma patterns in the body. I think the thing with trapped trauma responses is that even if we rationally know something with our mind, such as that a current situation is technically safe, the nervous system can still respond with fear if triggered and will override our rational understandings. The somatic approach I've done with my therapist involves the body completing a response it didn't get to do at the time, with her present and supporting me through it. This is done in a gentle, titrated way, so it's not reliving the whole trauma and overwhelming the nervous system but just sensing what the body needs to create safety. Apparently the mind and nervous system don't discern between imagination and reality, so if our nervous system can act out what it needs to do to find safety now in relation to a past trauma memory, it completes a trauma survival response that tells it that things are now ok and it can release the hypervigilance. When there are multiple traumas it of course takes time and everything is not solved overnight. But little by little the hypervigilance starts to settle.

What that may look like in relation to, for example, the exposure you had with violent material, is sensing into what your young body wanted to do to escape from it but couldn't at the time. As children we are powerless and dependent on the adults in our lives, so if they are not doing the right thing we have to suppress natural survival responses and endure situations. There were times you tried to activate safety such as running to your grandparent's house. But a lot of what you were exposed to was out of your control. What you describe about feeling excessively concerned with things out of your control, the state of the world, other people's feelings etc is exactly what I do and is so typical with complex trauma. We can be striving desperately for control because of all that we couldn't control and we are trying to ensure safety and that things are going to be ok. With the work I am doing in therapy this tendency is becoming less and I'm feeling less responsible for the feelings of others and realising it isn't my job to ensure everyone else is ok all the time.

Anyway, you explain yourself so well. I don’t think I could explain myself anywhere near as well when I was 25 (I’m nearly 50 now). So you have really good self awareness and understanding. So it does feel like you are well positioned to work through things and heal.

Yes, lurk on the forum as much as you want and feel free to chat anytime. We are listening. I really hope the new year is treating you well to.

Best wishes,

ER

Cacciatore77

Thanks Eagle Ray. Ive been reading about Somatic therapy and Im pretty interested in the idea, so thanks again for pointing me in that direction.

I actually rang Blue Knot yesterday, and the councillor directed me to material regarding "Betrayal Blindness", which I guess is a form of stockholm syndrome. I always struggled with my feelings of anger towards my father, it took me till I was about 19-20, I'd get drunk with him and once a fight started I just let it all out. I felt somewhat better letting him know how I felt, though I got nothing back from him and I don't expect to.

I can be a very articulate person, but even if I sound intelligent, I still feel like I haven't given myself room to well, observe myself. I still feel like I have a lack of self awareness that inhibits me from my full potential, especially when it comes to coping mechanisms, when I was a kid, I used to dissociate heavily, and Ive tried recreating that feeling with drugs and alcohol, basically anything you can think of, from opioids to DMT Ive tried it.

But O guess in the end I have to stop doubting myself, its a major problem of mine is thinking nothings wrong but at the same time hating myself because I can't get anywhere in life. I've deleted social media for now so I'm less bothered by world events, I just need to stop worrying about these things I can't control, I feel like I'm trying to pick the planet up sometimes and I just can't hold onto this weight anymore.

Hope I see you more around here and again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your consideration.

Peace for all 🙂

Eagle Ray

Hi Cacciatore77,

The betrayal blindness is very interesting. I would say I had that with my mother who frequently betrayed me but I always focussed on her good side (which did exist) while overlooking the cruel behaviours even though they hurt me. I somehow always quickly recalibrated to just seeing the good. It meant I also developed the tendency to let others treat me badly as well and it’s taken me a long time to name those behaviours as really wrong and abusive.

I can really empathise you struggling with your feelings with your father. It makes sense it comes out after drinking when inhibitions come down. Yes, sometimes they’re not going to change or give much or anything back, but it’s probably good you got some of that off your chest. In recent times I’ve been learning to be angry (in a healthy way) after suppressing anger for most of my life. I’ve been doing things like screaming in the car during which I tell people exactly what I think of them (even though they’re not there). I live in the country where it’s safe to do this on country roads. I’ve found this has helped to really shift some things that were stuck in me for years. I really didn’t even recognise I had anger for years.

The dissociation you describe is such a logical response to what you went through, and seeking further escape through drugs and alcohol is so understandable. A friend of mine who went through awful childhood trauma went through years of drug and alcohol abuse. But he has now come through it and is really transforming his past trauma into deep insights and compassion which is amazing. I think you can definitely come out the other side from it all.

Yes, I think doubting ourselves is a really core feature where early life complex trauma has been present. With healthy parenting kids learn self-assurance naturally because they’re nurtured and supported. What I’m slowly learning to do now is become the parent to myself that I didn’t get from my own parents. There’s an approach called Internal Family Systems that I’ve found quite helpful with this. It involves the quieting of the inner critic as we learn to care for the vulnerable child part of ourselves. It’s like a way of integrating parts of ourselves that became dissociated through trauma. I think it can help too with a letting go of the parts of ourselves that are striving so hard to do the right thing, rescue others, save the world etc. it’s like allowing ourselves to put that weight down.

Take care and I feel like you are looking into things with a lot of awareness and that with the right support you can really heal. The above mentioned friend of mine comments that we are actually ok in this moment now and always have been a good human being with nothing wrong with us. It’s just our conditioning that caused the self doubt.

Wishing you the best,

ER

Cacciatore77

Thanks again mate, got my appointments approved and Im just waiting on the therapist to get back from holidays. I at least want to learn how to come back to myself before the world goes to shit, I may come across as self aware hut theres also a big portion of myself thats blocked out and I don't understand a lot of those deeper feelings. I guess being mostly socially isolated, I've spent plenty of time trying to learn a lot about the mind and how it works. Ive held onto certain spiritual connections I feel with the world around me thats acted as an anchor so I don't go insane, I guess that's helped me rationalise the outside world a little, again I've just gotta come back to myself in a way that's loving and conscientious of my own pains, to just learn that everything's okay.

Thanks again Ray 🙂

Eagle Ray

Hey Cacciatore77,

I’m glad you’ve got your appointments lined up. I think the coming back to yourself that you mention is coming home to yourself. It’s like getting to be who you you’ve always been in a connected way. Actually there’s a video I just thought of that you may be interested in about Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing method working with a US Marine with PTSD named Ray. It’s called “Somatic Experiencing - Ray’s Story”. When he reconnects with Ray a while after he initially worked with him, he encourages him to say, “I’m coming home” as he is reconnecting with himself. He helped Ray come back into the world.

It certainly can feel like the world is going to shit, but one thing I subscribed to recently is a news site called Reasons to Be Cheerful. It’s a project started by David Byrne, ex frontman of the band Talking Heads. They publish news stories of encouragement and evidence-based positive change from around the world. One just came in a few minutes ago about the incredible support people are giving one another in the LA fires. I very much relate to the social isolation you mention and I think that’s an extremely common feature of complex trauma. It’s what we’ve instinctively done to try to feel safe. But I’m learning that we heal in relationship with others and I think as this happens we begin to feel the good things in the world, the ways people connect and the healing changes in our bodies when we experience that connection. I think the spiritual connections you mention are exactly as you describe, a really grounding anchor, and are part of that special energy that we feel when we find caring relationships with others.

All the very best,

ER