Hi world,
I was diagnosed with PTSD last year and after making leaps and bounds for some time I have managed to face plant into a few walls recently. I have seeing psychologists for like 7 years and I thought that maybe I was be getting somewhere but this new diagnosis on top of the depression, anxiety and chronic pain just kicks me about.
I have started to scare myself and as it turns out my breakdown the other night also scared my partner. I have always been so good at hiding my mental health and putting on the sunny face for everyone but the other night I drank and I lost myself in from of the one I love most.
If you had asked me a few months ago what the word trigger means I would have probably just said something off the top of my head, but now it sits deep in my emotions. Trigger now means fear, loss of control, pain, repeating my mantra 'just stay alive', it's a battle of constantly being in fear of how something may effect you.
When I get triggered I lose touch. I stare at photos of my niece, that at every other moment of my life I love with everything, and try and connect with her I try to find that feeling but it's no longer there. The urge to punish yourself is so strong that it takes everything you have to not hurt yourself, to stay alive.
Right now I know that is not me. Right now I can look at it all and say that it is a disorder and it will get better. The triggers will get further apart. The complete loss of the rational brain, the person inside my body, is a great one that I mourn once I come back to reality and look back at how far I fell this episode.
I am here because my partner asked me to reach out to BB. I don't know how to deal with all this pain. The vicious cycle. I hope that this post can help people to feel not alone, and perhaps I will get some of that relief myself? How do you truly just ask for something without giving something first?
I want to live.
