My first time here - diagnosed with PTSD last year

[R3dr0s3]

Hi world,

I was diagnosed with PTSD last year and after making leaps and bounds for some time I have managed to face plant into a few walls recently. I have seeing psychologists for like 7 years and I thought that maybe I was be getting somewhere but this new diagnosis on top of the depression, anxiety and chronic pain just kicks me about.

I have started to scare myself and as it turns out my breakdown the other night also scared my partner. I have always been so good at hiding my mental health and putting on the sunny face for everyone but the other night I drank and I lost myself in from of the one I love most.

If you had asked me a few months ago what the word trigger means I would have probably just said something off the top of my head, but now it sits deep in my emotions. Trigger now means fear, loss of control, pain, repeating my mantra 'just stay alive', it's a battle of constantly being in fear of how something may effect you.

When I get triggered I lose touch. I stare at photos of my niece, that at every other moment of my life I love with everything, and try and connect with her I try to find that feeling but it's no longer there. The urge to punish yourself is so strong that it takes everything you have to not hurt yourself, to stay alive.

Right now I know that is not me. Right now I can look at it all and say that it is a disorder and it will get better. The triggers will get further apart. The complete loss of the rational brain, the person inside my body, is a great one that I mourn once I come back to reality and look back at how far I fell this episode.

I am here because my partner asked me to reach out to BB. I don't know how to deal with all this pain. The vicious cycle. I hope that this post can help people to feel not alone, and perhaps I will get some of that relief myself? How do you truly just ask for something without giving something first?

I want to live.

[Cornstarch]

Goodness that is a heady mix of disorders to have to contend with. I don't want to say anything glib like 'keep going' or 'you're doing well' because those phrases don't do justice to how hard it is to juggle the emotions, body sensations, thoughts and social interactions that come with PTSD let alone in concert with all the others you are having to manage.

'Trauma' is such a broad concept, in that without knowing the type of trauma that you experienced I am unable to comment in detail that may assist you without possibly offending you, or without knowing, making light of your suffering. Unfortunately we are all limited by our own direct experiences, so I cannot relate to natural disaster traumas or sudden accidents or the death of a child to name a few of the common traumas. I can completely relate to violent childhood sexual assault, childhood neglect and abuse, suicide and insufficient caregiving.

I feel embarrassed listing my triggers because someone with no inner experience of complex PTSD would read the list and think, "is this chick for real?". They are all very banal, and to a person without the disorder I'm confident they'd believe I was either exaggerating or downright lying.

You sound like a very capable person in that you have a lot of self awareness, that is very obvious in how you explain your mind/brain. I can tell by your post that you have a done a lot of hard work, it really comes through. No doubt you probably look back at your 'episode' and cringe, and think how could I expose such a broken part of myself to my partner and they're still hanging out with me? Can't they see that I am unlovable. I can't stand it when people try and talk me out of my feelings so I won't attempt to do that right now. It's not useful, and in the end you feel lousy about it no matter what anyone says. Unfortunately all mental health conditions make us feel unlovable, I certainly feel that way at times because my PTSD is at the high end of the scale.

I will continue over.....

[Cornstarch]

I can only comment from my own experiences, here goes -

You said in your post that your partner has encouraged you to reach out to BB, possibly there was something on here that made you consider it a possibility, or maybe you're at a crossroads and wondering how do I move forward, or attempt to fill in this gap.

I don't want to assume that disclosing your trauma is the right fit for you and that it is the right time to do it either. That is a very individual thing. Somebody's medicine is another person's poison, so there is no pressure. Anyone that pressures you should be sacked.

From my own experience I have observed in others that some people tell their family and it goes to shit. They are then too frightened to disclose to anyone else because their primary caregivers did a lousy job at making them feel loved, believed and important. 'Telling' was traumatic. They are subsequently triggered at the thought of reiterating the circumstances to another person and the vicious cycle continues, looping around for months. But the reality is we're all not lousy at listening and there are plenty of people out there that 'get it'. We're just all disconnected. Maybe your partner fulfils all your needs in that regard and further support isn't required.

If you're at the stage where you'd like to start telling other people I'd be happy to set up an alias email account that you could write to. I'm a great secret keeper. And quite frankly I'm not particularly bothered if you found out who I was any way. I have told a lot of people now, even the Executive at my work simply because I was so symptomatic that if I didn't explain myself I would have lost my job.

Obviously with my own symptoms I can't offer on going support but it's hard to find people that recognise trauma as distinct from anxiety. It is very different in fact. Let me know how you feel. I don't check this account all the time, as I try not be online too much.

Take care

[R3dr0s3]

Thank you.

My trauma is actually in the same ball park as yours so I feel we may be able to make each other feel less alone.

Finding out who you are is a daunting concept as there may end up being some minnute link to people I am trying to leave behind... People that have hurt me. I have no need to hide my identity. My mental health issues have also needed to be discussed in an open way within my life more recently but I guess there is a certain beauty to not knowing. If we can stay anonymous then the kindness of our interaction is not for any gain personal. Perhaps if I can finally believe a relationship in my life is not for the purpose of taking something from me I can accept other kindnesses into my life.

[Cornstarch]

Oh my goodness I am so sorry. I wished it wasn't. The worst possible outcome for me would be re-traumatising you, or creating something that made you feel abandoned, used or unheard. Also, it would be very unwise for me to pretend I can offer weekly support because I am way too symptomatic and trying to juggle ordinary life stress on top of it. I have a very stressful life in fact. In theory I'd love to, because I am a softie, but I have to be self-preserving as well. And despite my left political leanings I think all sex abusers should be permanently incarcerated, never to be released so I feel dreadfully sorry for you . But my nervous system is lousy, so I am restricted unfortunately. If you had a horrible experience telling someone in the past I'd hate to think that I re-created that unknowingly in some way, so the best scenario would be that you have your own regular support in place before you go opening cans of worms to randoms.

I don't know how one does that, all I could do is take your word for it that you're supported and safe and not at risk of self harm. I am in Sydney and I have disclosed to a lot of people, high up people too. That doesn't mean I disclose other people's experiences though! I'd love to speak publicly one day if I could, even if it's just in a publicised essay on my experiences. Maybe it's a temperament thing, maybe it's a personality thing but after all these years I was like, stuff it, I have to start talking I am imploding, he has stolen almost half my life. From your post it sounds like you also feel let down from relationships/friendships and that you haven't told many people. Again, I'd hate to open up something that you regretted later because it was just too much, too soon, and to the wrong person. Australia isn't that big so there is always a chance that you know someone I know and if you're not ready yet, and feeling in two minds about it, I'm sure you wouldn't want to tell the wrong person. 

[Cornstarch]

I posted a reply that contained an email address and message.

Possibly the moderators haven't let it pass, or that is not allowed because of the content of our previous posts.......

[Chris_B]

That would be correct, Cornstarch.

I'm sorry but we don't permit private contacts to be shared here on the forums between anyone - this is for the safety of all our members. These forums are open and can be read by anyone. I'd strongly advise against sharing personal contact details in any online space, especially in an anonymous environment where you can't verify who you are talking to and who might be reading.

Many of our members find great value and comfort in being able to use our space here to get peer support online and discuss their stories, and we hope you can continue to do that here. If anyone reading is looking for offline, face-to-face support, please give our support service a call and they can suggest groups in your area.

Hope this clears things up.

[Cornstarch]

Totally understand Chris B.

Thanks for the clarification.

[Chris_B]

No problems. The issues you raise around re-traumatising are really important ones. Forums can work really well alongside offline support, particularly when you're dealing with issues that are going to trigger you, and you both have a really good handle on this. I hope you're finding this discussion helpful, there will be a lot of members reading who will be getting a lot out of this as well.

[R3dr0s3]

Thanks Chris. It's hard to know what you come here for really... There is the beauty of the unknowing'ness' of conversing with strangers about deeply isolating incidents.

This experience, writing these posts has been helpful. Any kindness is a great kindness and I feel at thought cornstarch has given me a lot of it. Thank you.

I spend so much time trying to act normal that I end up losing touch with my own experience. It gets so overwhelming when it all builds up inside you the overflows all at once.

Today was a good day. I had my trusty headache sidekick but I had a smile on my face. I felt light after my first acupuncture appointment yesterday. People at uni commented on how I seemed much lighter than before.

And so it goes, up and down, up and down....