My Behaviours ?

RedDragon

Does anyone else think “ I better do this even if I don’t want to -it won’t kill me “

I better do more than expected to make someone else happy or life easier

Take blame for anything and everything that goes wrong for someone else.

Not talk about personal shame and stress or when boundaries are over stepped as there is a fear someone might get upset or offended or judge and leave.

I will do what ever I can to make sure others are first - offer the last choc even I I really want it. Give up something nice I have because they like it too.

Give give give then I expect a little back hope others would be kind back.

am I alone here ?
is the stem of behaviour come from a selfish mother ? Can I change the habits and make new boundaries and learn to be honest with out fear of irrational thoughts of abandonment ?

thanks for reading.

Croix

Dear RedDragon~

Yes it is possible to change, however it is not easy and best done if you can have some sort of support, be it a family member , a friend or if you can afford it a doctor or psych. You can also sometimes get it from social welfare organizations like St Vinnies.

If I do something for someone I sort of have at the back of my mind they will return the favor, if not straight away at least before long. if that does not happen it is easy to think one is of no account.

It's the same thing if saying no, and here yo have a great example with your doctor. If the pain is no less then reducing the meds simply limits your actions further and hurts more. Rather than simply accepting their actions talk wiht the, explore options and make them see consequences.

It may take someone else wiht you , or waiting outside, in order to have the will to do this.

If oyur daughter is on ice then I am very sorry but really have nothing to offer, it is not your fault and it is heartbreaking to see someone you love behave under the influence and be addicted.

Wiht the police they are in a cleft stick, as they most often find in a DV situation that the woman will deny it is happening. Nevertheless the interview time taken was excessive and I believe if the interview had been a lot shorter the outcome would be different.

If you want an unbiased opinion as to if you are in fact in a DV situation ring 1800RESPECT and seek thier opinion

I hope you feel like coming back and talking about what's happening

Croix

therising

Hi RedDragon

I think the people pleaser in us can be one of the hardest facets to manage at times and I'd say this part of us can come to life for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons

It can be conditioned into us or brought to life in us by others from an early age
It can come to life as a form of repentance. If it was once in our nature to upset people, we can promise our self to never upset anyone ever again
If conflict is too painful/upsetting/challenging to manage, it can ensure we never face conflict from others while always being pleasant towards them
It can give us a sense of identity. 'I am a pleasant person. I am someone who everyone likes. I am not a difficult person. I am not a bad person. I am loved by all'

Just a handful of many reasons.

If practice makes perfect, practicing channeling the people pleaser in us over and over and over again means it can be hard to get out of a practice/habit we may have pretty much perfected. Based on my own experience, I've found the people pleaser in me to be incredibly helpful at certain times yet deeply depressing or anxiety inducing at other times. At its best, the people pleaser in us can positively change the lives of others. At its worst, it can lead us to a sense of our own personal suppression, oppression and depression. I've found it to be a part of me that requires conscious management, so as to manage my mental health.

If we have a people pleaser in us, we also have other facets too. While the people pleaser may dictate 'Don't rock the boat, it'll just cause conflict', the sage in us may insist 'Conflict can lead to conflict resolution. Conflict can precede much needed change'. While the people pleaser my insist 'Just tolerate that person's behavior. Suck it up and don't complain', the intolerant part of us my demand 'Stop tolerating this cr** from people and stand up for yourself for a change!'. In mentioning practice making perfect, if we're not in the habit of practicing and perfecting channeling the sage in us or the intolerant part of us, such facets can be incredibly hard to bring to life when need be. I've found it becomes about beginning the practice, which means the people pleaser in us taking a back seat while other much needed parts of us drive us forward in positive and constructive ways.

I think a sense of acceptance is key to being able to bring other parts of us to life more often. I accept the intolerant part of me may upset people when it leads me to stand up for myself. I accept it may cause conflict. I accept it may challenge people to continue loving me but without that part of me coming to life at times, I cannot love myself. Btw, I've found perfectly reasonable people will be happy to share in conflict resolution. Unreasonable people, not so much. ❤️

RedDragon

Thank you for your time.
54 Reasons confirmed a few things for me. The facts are I was overloaded and didn’t understand what healthy relationships are. I am looking forward to learning more there.

RedDragon

Thank you for your time -

Your perspective has given me something to think about and keep in mind when I think about pleasing people - I don’t expect people to give back I don’t need anything- I must remember to say no even if it means that it may offend or inconvenience someone.
if it works it’s not silly.

therising

Hi RedDragon

I've found the thing I need most from people I share relationships with is a common promise, to be more conscious of each other's genuine needs. This can include the genuine need to say 'No' on occasion. It's often through compromise that we develop individually and together in a whole number of ways. 🙂

Eagle Ray

Dear RedDragon and wave to Croix and therising,

I can relate very much to what you wrote RedDragon. You may find a book by Pete Walker helpful called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. In it he talks about the four Fs - fight, flight, freeze and fawn. The last one is something that is particularly common where complex childhood trauma is involved. If you experienced a selfish mother, it makes a lot of sense. Fawning is what we do to appease others in order to help ourselves to feel safe. When we are children we are powerless relative to our parents and depend on them for survival. If they are abusive, we can make ourselves small and constantly put others' needs first to appease those others and hope they won't harm us.

My mother basically turned me into her mother from when I was 5, confiding in me as if I was her parent/counsellor/support person. She also used me as a punching bag for her sudden rage attacks. My dad also directed a lot of uncontrolled rage at me. I learned to consider my own needs as invisible, so like you I would give someone else the last chocolate even if I wanted to eat it, agree to do things I really didn't want to do etc etc.

But the good news is I am learning that it is actually possible to finally learn boundaries and protect oneself. I am wondering if you have tried any counselling or psychological support? I have been working with a psychologist for the last two and a half years and it has really helped me to finally know that other people can be safe and that someone else can hold space for me (rather than me always viewing myself as unimportant while supporting others). Having someone else compassionately witness my experiences has helped to validate those experiences and my feelings and emotions. It's helped me to start to care for myself in the ways I wasn't as a child and I now want to defend my inner child and make sure she is treated kindly. I've got to a point now where I am finally saying no to people and situations I don't feel ok about - and I don't feel guilty about that like I did in the past.

So it is possible to change but having some support along the way can really help. Sometimes the support can be someone like a mentor or friend, as Croix mentions. Basically I think healthy, reciprocal relationships are healing, ones in which the other person can actually see you and value you as a person in your own right. It is not just you seeing them and caring for them, but they see, value and care for you. When we have a pattern of always appeasing others we often keep attracting people into our lives who tend to use us for their own personal gain. That happened to me a lot. But I've really gotten away from those sorts of people now and have just a very small number of meaningful friends I can genuinely trust and feel safe with.

Anyway, happy to chat further if you would like. All the best,

Eagle Ray