Hard roads and winding paths

Mrd74

Hi, my journey up to this point has been difficult, I bare the mental scars of all my negative experiences those of so many people throughout my life. The abuse was physical, verbal, psychological, sexual and narcissistic both during childhood and in adulthood on top of being a long serving veteran. now at 50 I suffer from severe CPTSD with psychosis and everyday is hard for me to function, I rarely leave my apartment, I feel stigmatized by the way I look and feel in public my professional career is ruined, no family, only a one long distant friend, repeated hospitalization. I've always a kind, giving, empathetic person and as soon as I got sick everyone turned their backs on me. I blamed myself for a long time for how I've been treated but It simply isn't all my fault. Life shouldn't be this traumatic or lonely, I don't give up but this has been a hard path to walk and the bad far outweighs the good

Cacciatore77

Hey MRD mate, nice to hear from you.

Sounds like you've been through a lot of hectic shit, and especially Trauma being brought from childhood and then that loaded on top of being a Veteran?! I'll say having the strength to carry that with you into a job that most people with Childhood traumas would crumble doing, including myself, is extremely brave of you, you should feel a lot of pride in that, even if I don't know the ins and outs of being a veteran.

I've recently come to the realisation I've got CPTSD too from mostly childhood traumas. And a big aspect of that as you may know is palming off our pain to the side and saying "Oh it isn't that bad, just have to push on".

You're at least seeing that the Traumas you carry with aren't your fault, or neither is your reaction to the Trauma, I think I get caught up more in the latter. I've always felt like I'm just being a big sook, and unfortunately I've had to realise this is because of the concept of "Betrayal Blindness", where your abuser(s) put you in a state where because you've felt dependent on them, you can't detach from that feeling of care you have for them, despite the horrors they've put you through. Allow yourself to feel anger and what ever emotions come with thinking about it, don't resist any of those feelings.

I cant say much more because I'm only 26 just figuring this shit out for myself, but do you have anything else on your mind you'd like to talk about?

I hope we both get ourselves on the right path mate, the one thing I'm doing is just listening and hearing other peoples stories with CPTSD and trauma in general, it helps me feel less alone when Im dealing with things. I have no friends or don't go anywhere either, so it can be hard to get some other perspectives on things.

Take Care mate 🙂

Mrd74

Hi Cacciatore77 thanks for your reply I really appreciate it.

I feel this forum is a safe space to discuss about CPTSD as I'd feel too uncomfortable doing so in person.

Once I started to unpack and address the major traumas I'd experienced during my wartime and operational service I kept having thoughts and dreams about moments from my childhood and adolescence that kept nagging at me and wanting my attention. I can only try and deal with one thing at a time because collectively I become overwhelmed and can't cope. I had to also compartmentalize these horrible experiences so I could see them for what they were and why they kept happened to me. In some family and friendship dynamics the dysfunction that exists requires personality types to play certain roles or have those roles forced upon that individual. Being younger, smaller, honest, empathetic, kind and naive left me open for abuse, manipulation, gaslighting and scapegoating in its many forms and once that is cast it can keep occurring until it's stopped and you can build and maintain healthy boundaries and are allowed to heal or repair the damage to yourself. I never wanted to play the victim or be a problem but I was left with no alternative when I would misbehave or act out due to how I was was being treated, their denial or complete refusal to acknowledge any or some blame on their part in the incidents occurring would only compound the guilt and shame I felt until I knew I would never be treated with dignity or respect by those individuals and i went no contact.

I have never claimed to be perfect or infallible and I've made plenty of stupid mistakes but never intentionally at the expense of others.

Thanks again for your reply I actually feel a little better writing this 👍 cheers, Mrd74

Cacciatore77

Hey there again Mrd,

Yeah it sounds like your experiences in the military brought those things back up to the surface, similar thing happened to me when I was around 16, started having memories re-emerge, dissociation returned, I started having a nightmare I would often repetitevly have as a child.

And I sympathise with that feeling of having to be the one who wanted to change everything, which over time makes you feel somewhat responsible for the Traumas and abuse and I think thats where we get a lot of our guilt from, we start to blaim ourselves for a situation we couldnt escape from. Sounds like this part of your personality is what lead you to the military?

Just reading what others like yourself have to say about their experiences with CPTSD is what lead me to the path Im on, I could swear a lot of what youre righting I could've wrote myself, just noticing a lot of the patterns of behaviour I have is experienced by others is somewhat relieving but kind of f-ed up at the same time because I couldnt wish the way I feel on my worst enemy. So ill say thank you for taking the time to share and Im glad writing that put made you feel better, sometimes all we need is to just feel like someone like yourself is listening so you can be assured youre not going insane.

And no human being is perfect, we all make mistakes but you are stonger then you think because unlike mamy you actually have a sense of conscience about your mistakes, and youre not letting those things define you.

Again, I hear you and Im happy to help in anyway I can, if theres anything else you want to say, fire away my friend. (No pun intended).

Take care of yourself,

Cacciatore77.