My 11yo daughter was sexually abused by her stepfather

[BBUser19]

My sweet 11yr old daughter came to me recently and told me that her step father sexually abused her the night before. I kicked him out of bed that morning went to the police 2hrs later as that was when a CPI was available he was held in custody for 1 night released on bail the following morning.

I have started on medication. im struggling. I have no support from my family as it brokedown when I was a child. my friends are there for me but its not quite the same. this $%£& was my rock for 8 years now I have no one to hold me while I grieve.

My beautiful girl is coping ok at the moment and I try not to let it show just how broken I am. I am blaming myself for what happened even though I had no way of knowing it was going to happen.

Christmas is just round the corner along with highschool for my daughter and school for my son.

I am currently trying to find a new place to rent. but as I expect to take a fair bit of time off work my financial situation is getting worse.

I haven't been able to eat for 4days now. I've lost 8 kgs im getting weak. every time I go to eat I vomit.

Every diesel car and or Trailer is making me jump. Im finding it hard to sleep.

Got the locks changed as he had a key to the house.

I have been documenting all of his belongings and packing them away. waiting for the day he comes to collect them.

Im worried about what he will take as most of the things we bought together.

Im worried about my daughter im worried about how my son will cope when he relieses that the man he called dad will never be coming back. im worried about money

Im worried about me.

If u have any advice please help

Thank you

[pipsy]

Hi and a big warm welcome. Wish I could hug you and tell you your daughter will be alright. None of what happened is your fault, never accept blame for someone else's wrongdoing. I'm positive that, had you known, it would not have happened. You did exactly what me and everybody who reads this would have done. I would contact Family services and ask them for guidance, also see your Dr for a referral to a counsellor. Tell your son that his father did something that was against the law and he has to be punished. You don't need to elaborate further (depending on his age). Do you know where your hubby is now? I would suggest asking the police for help here too. They do employ females who's job it is to liaise directly with the families in these cases and they will offer support and assistance where necessary. You have too much going on to manage without a support network, your Dr can assist, don't be scared to ask for help. If you are concerned you can also phone our helpline, we have trained counsellors ready to listen and support 24/7.

Lynda

[BBUser19]

Hi Lynda,

Thank you for replying.

I believe he is at his parents house a few suburbs away bail conditions means he cannot be within 100m of my kids and I or have direct or indirect contact with us.

I have already organised a mental health plan for my daughter and myself. thank you anyway.

the dvo hearing is on Wednesday

The next mention at the court in regards to rape is on the 18th of jan

I dont think he has issued a plea or been questioned as of yet as his barrister was unavailable.

[pipsy]

Hi, my heart truly goes out to you and your family. From what you say, his defence won't amount to much. The judge may order a psych report, this is standard. Please keep BB informed so we can support you through this terrible ordeal. I hope for your sake and for the well-being of your daughter and son that he is sentenced. You need protecting and the judge hopefully will realize he could possibly re-offend.

Lynda

[Guest_322]

Hi there,

This was a very heartbreaking post to to read. Yes, you're right, you are grieving and for so many things too- your relationship, your daughter's sexual assault and your son "losing" the man that he called dad.

You have had so many painful and overwhelming losses recently. This man betrayed you and your daughter. It's no wonder you're struggling to eat and sleep.

I'm afraid that I don't really have any advice to offer. But what I would like to say is something about your (completely understandable) fears for your daughter.

As Pipsy already rightfully pointed out, her assault wasn't your fault. If you had known, you would have kicked him to the curb well before he even dared to attempt anything.

I'm stating the blatantly obvious that, yes, of course your daughter has been deeply traumatised and hurt. But for what it's worth, you believed her. You then acted swiftly and defended her. You kicked him out, reported him and sought help from a doctor for her. You took her side and that's something that she will always remember.

I'm saying this because while many parents would act as you did upon learning of their child's abuse, there is also the other side of the coin. There are also parents who collude with their partners; parents who instead of helping their child, they help their partner get away with the abuse and help them continue it.

I say this because this is exactly what happened to one of my friends. She would have given a left arm to have had a parent like you who believed and defended her.

Sorry, I'm not sure if my post is helpful at all. But I wanted to chime in to say you're doing right by your daughter. Just as my friend remembered how her parent did not defend her against another parent's abuse, your daughter will remember how you did take her side.

That, in itself, is immensely powerful. While it's not everything and can't undo what has been done- which was not your fault- at least she knows, you're unconditionally and irrevocably on her side. I hope what I'm saying makes some sense.

Hopefully there is something in your mental health plan that helps you. You definitely deserve support.

Pipsy had some fantastic suggestions re: professional support. I've personally found various helplines good (e.g BB, lifeline, etc) for getting a load off my chest. Perhaps you could also consider it too.

And we are also here so feel free to post if there's anything you want to talk about.

Thinking of you.

Dottie x

[White_Rose]

Hello ...:)....

You have shown so much strength both for yourself and your children and now you are tired, feeling the strain and angry at what has happened to your daughter. It probably doesn't help to know this is where you would expect to be, because if you could you would have prevented this. You have acted promptly and decisively for your daughter and as Dottie has said, she will always remember this. I am always gobsmacked when I hear of one parent refusing to believe their child has been in this situation and refuses to listen. And unfortunately it happens often. It's fantastic that you believe your daughter and have taken steps to defend her.

Having a mental health plan is great. Is your daughter receiving any counselling? If she wants to talk to someone at any time there are a couple of options. It doesn't mean she cannot or does not want to talk to you. Sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger. May I suggest you give her these phone numbers and tell her it's OK to talk to someone apart from you.

Kids Helpline is one organisation. They have a 24/7 helpline 1800 55 1800 and the website is www.kidshelpline.com.au The other option for young people is Headspace which is the National Youth Mental Health Foundation. It also has a 24/7 helpline 1800 650 890 They have a web site www.headspace.org.au Headspace offers all sorts of help, not just counselling or a chat line. I suggest you have a look at both sites to reassure yourself they are safe before mentioning them to your daughter.

Please continue to write in here if it is helpful. Remember to look after your own health, physical and mental.

Mary

[geoff]

hello, how good it was for your daughter to come forward and tell you, because sometimes this may not happen, so they hold this disgusting event only to themselves and suffer for a long time, this may still happen, but we hope not.
I always say that I detest any act like this to someone who is so much younger, to feel that he can abuse your daughter is terrible and highly obnoxious.
Even though he is on bail I would ask the police if you need to take out an AVO against him, because there can never be any apologies, or that he shouldn't have done it, it's far too late and he will be labelled a paedophile for life.
The absolute shock you would have got when you were told would be horrific, but you can't blame yourself for any of this because it could have happened when you out shopping, so please don't have any guilt, it's more that you want to protect your daughter more than ever and this also goes for your son, so you will be more protective in everyday events.
Now with your work just tell your boss that something beyond belief has happened and it's caused so much pain for you but you don't want to talk about it, however I need some time off to relocate and seek some counselling before you could even think about returning.
In the long run this creep will still have to pay maintenance and this needs to be raised with the policeman who is handling this case and to be back dated, unless he sends you a cheque in the mail.
Change all your bank accounts so that no foul play could possibily happen and for him to send you bank cheques, and when he wants to pick up his goods only you will be there, but even better get the policeman to be at your house so that he won't anything.
Now you must go and see your doctor and whether or not you want your daughter to see someone is only your decision, but you can't handle this alone.
I really do hope that we can hear back from you, I think it's important. L Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi,

You have received some wonderfully helpful and supportive responses here.

Sounds like you already have some strategies in place so that is very beneficial.

I don't have anything to add, apart from agreeing to what has been written, I too honour you for standing up for your daughter.

Reach out to as many organisations and people you can at this moment to get the help you all need.

I'm wondering how your daughter is coping at school or is she staying home? It may be beneficial to have a chat with the children's teachers to let them know the children are going through a tough time right now.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[gld]

Hi,

I feel there is no advice i could give you but i could be one of the many to be a support by being here to release difficult feelings.

You don't have to be a rock and it is very normal to experience all the emotions you are going through after this traumatic event. After reading this thread i feel you are moving in the right direction to get help for you and your family. Keep up the good work and continue accessing all the help you need until you and your family are on the road to recovery. Connect with close friends and family to give you support you need during this time.

As Pipsy mentioned police have officers to help with different issues through this sort of thing. I think they may be able to help you get your ex partner's things out of your house by being present while someone [family member maybe] picks it up from your home.

This may seem a little out of the box, Christmas does seem to make many people feel they have to spend money to make it great but it does not have to be. I feel the best way to do it is to spend time with the ones you love deeply and share in a happy experience like doing something you all enjoy [family favourite meal, BBQ, visiting friends]. Go to a cheap shop with a small sum of money for each of you and buy a small gift, as i have done it in the past with low funds and it was more fun choosing a personal gift as well as exciting seeing what the other thought when they opened it.

You simply have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Put blinders on and plow right ahead. George Lucas. I hope this quote may help your journey.

Be kind to yourself and i hold onto hope that things will improve for you and your family.

Gen

[BBUser19]

Hi,

Thank you all for your post.

Im am so very proud of my daughter for telling me and grateful that she trusted me enough to tell me.

As I said previously the police have asked for a dvo to be put in place the hearing for this is on wednesday. the magistrate didnt grant a temporary one one the day as my daughter is not his biological daughter. the CPIU investigator said that it was a bulls^&t loop hole and was quite upset at the magistrate.

The investigators told me that when it comes time for him to collect his belongings he has to call and let the police know. they will then call me to arrange a time that is suitable for me and my family to collect. whilst he is at the house there will be 4 uniformed police present they call it a keep the peace job.

In regards to counselling for my daughter. we have had a chat the day after she reported it and she has said that she doesn't feel like talking to anyone else about it at the moment.

However I have contacted some psychologists and have put her on the waiting list. as i feel she will need more help than i can offer her to get through this horrible confusing ordeal.

My daughter wasnt at school on thursday, as the investigation took up most of the school day. she also didnt go friday as she felt sick.

She has already gotten dressed and packed her lunch for today. so thats a good sign.

Thanks everyone for your replies, words of support and suggestions

Xx