Moving on without acknowledgement or apology from abusers

[GimZim]

Hey all

I got diagnosed with CPTSD around 2 years ago, I've been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and have improved a lot with treatment. I've noticed a bit of a stumbling block recently though. No one involved in my abuse, particularly family, have ever acknowledged or apologised for anything. Whenever incidents come up in conversation, I'm shut down, told it didn't happen or I'm remembering wrong or they don't remember it so they can't apologise for it. I'm finding it really difficult to cope with.

My psychologist has suggested I stop communicating with my family, potentially forever. I'm already estranged from my father (from childhood), one of my sisters for around 5 years, my other sister about a month ago so I'm really only left with my mum, brother and half-brother. I'm not close to my half-brother but want to develop that relationship and he's not been involved in any of this so there's no problem there. My older brother bullied me through childhood which he's not acknowledged or apologised for but I think he'd be the most likely to.

So I think the real issue is with my mother. I think if I stopped speaking to her she'd be upset and genuinely confused, I don't think she understands anything that's gone on in my family, she just downplays everything, laughs it off or insists she "doesn't remember it like that". She rewrites history, even in small ways that make no sense to do, the lies don't actually add anything or make her look any better but she seems to think they do. Having it all minimised is very upsetting and is making it hard to maintain a relationship.

I don't know what to do really.

Have any of you confronted people and had a positive outcome? I don't see one being possible here but I'd love to be wrong, honestly.

Cheers.

[Deckt]

GimZim,

I read a quote once that was something like... if you tell someone that they hurt you, they don't get to decide that they didn't.

Their feelings are irrelevant! Yours are. You've been hurt. And... honestly? If someone came to me and said "hey, you hurt me" and I hadn't realised, or hadn't done it on purpose, or whatever. I wouldn't start making excuses, or downplaying the events, or rewriting history. I'd just say something like..."wow, I'm so sorry".

I'm also reminded a little of this piece;

A Narcissist's Prayer

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.


You sound like you're a strong person. I think you will get through this, and I think it's pretty remarkable that even in your position of hurt, I can still hear compassion, empathy and understanding for the people who hurt you. That speaks highly to your character, and no one can take that from you.


And thanks to ecomama for the kind words. 😊

Hugs all around! Dt.

[Helen72]

Hi GimZim,

I. know what you mean about patterns - the pattern that affected me went on for 3 generations that I know of. I finally put a stop to it when it started affecting my daughter.

I know now and I'm not tolerating anymore gaslighting(ex)/denial. I don't speak to my mother (denial) or sister (denial) any more. My Dad's dead so I can't talk to him.

I'd love to have a decent relationship with my family but the price I'd pay is too. great so I don't. My mother is 81 so the chance of her changing her thinking is remote and as for my sister, the odds aren't great there either.

So "Have any of you confronted people and had a positive outcome? " the answer is no - I tried with my mother for about 4 years but she only ever talked about how she had been duped - so I stopped.

It's sad but something I can't change.

Helen72