Moving on without acknowledgement or apology from abusers

[GimZim]

Hey all

I got diagnosed with CPTSD around 2 years ago, I've been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and have improved a lot with treatment. I've noticed a bit of a stumbling block recently though. No one involved in my abuse, particularly family, have ever acknowledged or apologised for anything. Whenever incidents come up in conversation, I'm shut down, told it didn't happen or I'm remembering wrong or they don't remember it so they can't apologise for it. I'm finding it really difficult to cope with.

My psychologist has suggested I stop communicating with my family, potentially forever. I'm already estranged from my father (from childhood), one of my sisters for around 5 years, my other sister about a month ago so I'm really only left with my mum, brother and half-brother. I'm not close to my half-brother but want to develop that relationship and he's not been involved in any of this so there's no problem there. My older brother bullied me through childhood which he's not acknowledged or apologised for but I think he'd be the most likely to.

So I think the real issue is with my mother. I think if I stopped speaking to her she'd be upset and genuinely confused, I don't think she understands anything that's gone on in my family, she just downplays everything, laughs it off or insists she "doesn't remember it like that". She rewrites history, even in small ways that make no sense to do, the lies don't actually add anything or make her look any better but she seems to think they do. Having it all minimised is very upsetting and is making it hard to maintain a relationship.

I don't know what to do really.

Have any of you confronted people and had a positive outcome? I don't see one being possible here but I'd love to be wrong, honestly.

Cheers.

[missep123]

Hi GimZim,

Firstly, I would like to say that I think that it's amazing you have made so much progress with your psychiatrist and psychologist. It sounds like you have been through a very challenging time.

Having your feelings minimised and not validated can be very frustrating. From personal experience, it often happens because the other person is not able to 'put themselves in your shoes' and really imagine what you are going through. It can be denial because the truth is too painful or too confronting to face those thoughts and feelings.

May I ask, have you spoken to your psychologist/psychiatrist about potential confrontation and what the outcomes may be?

Here for you!

[GimZim]

Thank you, I appreciate the support a great deal.

I have an appointment with my psychologist later today so I'll discuss it more with her but she thinks my family are one of my biggest triggers which is why she's suggesting minimising contact. She thinks I'm unlikely to get an apology or any acknowledgement, probably just more denials and thinks it might upset me but on the other hand it might be good to get it off my chest. She even said she'll help me write a letter if I choose to do that.

I imagine the likelihood of me getting a negative response is a lot higher than getting a good one, to be totally honest, but maybe that would be the push I need to go low or no contact.

[missep123]

Hi GimZim,

It's a tricky situation isn't it! On the one hand yo want to try to see what happens, on the other hand you are aware of the possibility of negative outcomes. How do you feel about the letter idea?

I think it's really great that you are thinking about the potential outcomes. Do you have a self-care plan in place if negative outcomes do occur?

Here for you!

[Doolhof]

Hi GimZim,

Welcome to the community here. Congratulations for working through issues with a psychologist and psychiatrist.

It has been my experience that some people have no idea how much they have hurt other people, not because they meant to be nasty, but they just have no idea and in some ways may not recall what happened either.

I talk to my siblings about our childhood and we all see if from a different perspective, because we all experienced our lives individually in our own minds, reacting our own memories and resulting actions to what happened.

In the past I have found it beneficial to write letters, never to post them, or give them to the person. If a person has no idea of the hurt that was caused they have no idea how to apologise.

I found expecting recognition, acknowledgement, acceptance, understanding, even help from others created more pain and confusion.

Hopefully you can work out ways with the psychologist to not so much accept or be at peace with what happened, (that takes a lot of time and work, for me anyway)but recognise it, find ways to benefit your own life now and somehow grow.

Holding onto the hurt and pain causes me issues, the person I believed caused that pain has no clue usually!

All the best from Dools

[ecomama]

Hi GimZim

I'm sorry for the hurt others have caused you. Well done for seeking help. Sometimes as we come more 'into the light' if you will, we expect those who hurt us to have grown, perhaps as we have.

They haven't.

It's an unrealistic expectation to think so. I'm sorry if that hurt you more, it was certainly not my intention... hugs.

And we can accept this too... that it was not their 'intention'... maybe it was... maybe it was merely their garbage being poured out onto you. As an adult you don't have to accept their garbage on you as a child. It was theirs. It didn't belong on you.

It still doesn't, now you are an adult.

My suggestion is for you to ask one of your psychs for a mediation session with a, b, or c person in your life who is important to you. The most important one first perhaps. One at a time.

You can suggest this to person. You can see their reaction. Up to you.

"Just because a person is older, doesn't mean they're wiser"... one of mine.
It helps some.

Frankly, I think people who were involved with abuse of a child prefer to live in denial when confronted with the truth. It's a coping mechanism and in my opinion a cowardly one. This approach is confirmed by things in our society. It's an accepted form of 'dealing' with it by some. Not by the victims.

Victims want to be heard. Validated. To receive an apology. More maybe. Sincere remorse from the perpetrators would be awesome but seldom happens in my experience. Lip service is insulting.

Mediation could result in lip service statements. I'm not sure how you'd feel about that. It could make things worse for you, IDK. Whatever you choose to do, it needs to empower you. We can't guarantee this empowerment with the abusers still involved in the process but we CAN guarantee a freer you when you take your power back.

You don't actually need an apology from anyone to become far more empowered than you feel now. Your healing is not dependent upon an apology, it'd be nice to get one but fighting for one could exhaust you more and take you off your path. You simply don't need to waste more time banging your head on that.

Love
EM

[Deckt]

I agree with ecomama.

I escaped from an abusive relationship last year. At first, I felt like I wanted some sort of validation, vindication... just some sort of recognition that my feelings counted for something, that I was a person who deserved better.

But ultimately - if she was remotely capable of doing that, she wouldn't have abused me in the ways that she did. I can't control or affect her actions or choices.

I can control my own. And so can you. 🙂

Hugs, Dt.

[ecomama]

Dear Deckt

Your feelings count for a LOT.

I like the way you put it... they wouldn't have abused you in the first place. Hit the nail right there.

And even if they had no idea they were hurting you, if they were kind, decent people then they would have acknowledged you were hurt and reacted appropriately ie do whatever's needed to repair the relationship or heal the past.

Well put Dt
EM

[GimZim]

Thanks so much everyone.

I think I'm not only giving the people who've harmed me too much credit in assuming they might be sorry but I'm also putting my recovery in their hands rather than in my own. I feel in a way as much as I'd like an apology or some acknowledgement, that's probably more because of the gaslighting that's gone on over the years.

I definitely think the denial my family are in is entirely to protect themselves and I think for them to get to the point where they would be sorry they'd need to acknowledge it to themselves and seek help. I don't see that as being likely so I'm going to just rule that out for now.

Even if I feel otherwise, I know what happened, they must to an extent know what they've done or allowed to happen, even if they don't feel they've harmed me. And because I know it's true I don't actually need them to tell me it happened, because I know.

I think in a way their denial had rubbed off on me. Since I've been timelining my abuse, seeing the amount of it, the patterns, etc. it's all undeniable and frankly, inexcusable. So a family member saying "I don't remember it that way" only goes so far, I'm not looking at isolated incidents anymore, I've got a much fuller picture. When people have asked why I'm still in touch with certain family members I've said things to the effect of "They aren't that bad" but again, it's that denial rubbing off on me.

I think my psychologist is right that they're triggering me and with the suggestion of going low/no contact and I don't think I ever will get that apology but at the same time, I hope I'm moving toward a place where I won't need it anymore.

Thanks again, I needed to hear that I'm not alone in this and I'm grateful for how straight the advice has been.

[Doolhof]

Hi Gim Zim,

It is wonderful that you are able to use your own reasoning and thinking to work out how you are feeling regarding this matter.

Ultimately you need to take the path that suits you best. Also know that your ideals and thoughts can change in time.

It may be that in the future you can recommence a relationship with family members. It will be different. We all have choices.

I have stayed in a relationship with a family member who was very abuse, not for their sake but for mine. I found a sense of peace in my heart for them, I forgave their actions. My connection to them is different.

This interaction has helped me with feelings of anger, frustration, resentment and possibly guilt that I deserved the abuse...which is totally untrue.

I have also learnt the hurt this person endured in their childhood by many people. It does not excuse their behaviour but does help to explain it. When a person grows up with abuse and does not learn any other way to express their feelings, maybe we can show them how relationships can be.

I'm no expert on the way the human mind works, it confuses me. Just hope you find some answers and solutions that work for you!

Kind regards from Dools