Lost after trauma

Taylamade · ‎16-05-2020

I am 55 years old all my adult life I was over weight due to lack of self love , respect, discipline. Finally in the best place emotionally in my life I decided to have weight loss surgery. I was doing well. I was eating healthy and the first time in my life was loving exercise. In 18 months I had dropped 30kg and was full of vitality and life. 5 days a week I rode to my 7am Pilates class, and yoga twice a week. I had NEVER felt so strong, content. Finally I was free from emotional physical and weight pain. Hubby of 30 years was loving this happy full of energy wife. I even did HBF run for a reason 2019. OMG I was so proud of me. Never had I felt like that. November 2019 Life was beautiful. I felt beautiful content. Then 30/11/19 7:15 pm riding my bike with hubby I fell off. I suffered major facial injuries. I was rushed by ambulance to RPH trauma unit spent 8 days there. I also suffered major injuries to my arm. I was operated on my arm was plated and I have a new elbow joint. Good news was I had no head or neck injury. My poor face was unrecognisable. The doctor told me I was lucky I had been wearing my helmet or I would have been dead. But what he didn’t know is some thing did die the night of 30/11/19 ME. Fast forward to 15/05/2020. It’s two years today since I had my weight loss surgery and I can not straighten or bend my arm I can not touch my face do hair pull up knickers do up bra drive a car. I can’t sleep I hurt 24/7 I dread going to bed. I sleep sitting coz my eye rolls back and I have trouble opening It mornings. I wear a huge splint on my arm to bed. I have no strength in my arm. I am so frighten to fall. I am so angry frustrated I hate my life. I do not feel any joy I am filled with an overwhelming sense of loss. Every day open my eyes in the morning and feel pain, back hurts from my sleeping position my arm and face hurts I get out of bed like a old lady. I shuffle to the loo. Eventually my eye opens, slowly my body give its very best shot at trying to remember its only 55. I have learnt the art of the silent cry I cry most days all day for what I have lost. I cry because I wished I never knew how good life could be how strong and desirable I could feel. how much I loved my Pilates yoga and how much I would love to ride my bike.It’s all gone now I feel so hopeless, alone no one understands. I am slipping through the cracks. On my bad days I wish I had died on that path. Today is a bad day.

Sophie_M · ‎16-05-2020

Hi Taylamade,

Welcome to the forums, we are so grateful that you reached out to us here tonight. We're so sorry to hear how difficult your journey has been and how much pain it has caused you. It sounds like you are really struggling right now but please know that you that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental place and our wonderful community is here to support you. We also just want to let you know that we are currently checking in with you via email.

In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments, including:
- Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am)

- Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467

And if you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero).

Many in our community have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

Doolhof · ‎16-05-2020

Hi Taylamade,

You have certainly been on a life changing journey, firstly you managed to loose so much weight and change your life, only to have an accident and now find your life has changed radically again.

I'm sorry for the physical and mental pain you are feeling. Years ago I had a work injury that had my virtually living on the floor or flat out in bed for a year so I have some understanding of physical pain.

My experiences are different to yours. Right now you are really hurting in so many different ways.

Like Sophie_M has mentioned, there are supportive people here. We might not write the right thing, may make suggestions that frustrate you perhaps, please know we are here for you. Let us know how we can assist you.

Kind regards from Dools