Trapped

[Fox73]

I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 15 years. Have stuck it out while he goes through various counsellors. We have periods of good times but it always ends up the same- alcohol followed by verbal & physical abuse. I finally called the police last week but they were hopeless. I’ll never ring them again. I found the guts to tell him I want out of the marriage & this toxic, endless cycle but he’s still claiming he can “fix” this. He won’t leave or accept my decision. He says I can leave but not the kids. I am scared, depressed & feeling low & helpless. I just want some advice...someone who doesn’t know me

[Sophie_M]

Hi Fox73,

We understand how difficult it can be to reach out for support, but we are so glad that you've done so here tonight. We are so sorry to hear about what is happening for you at the moment, it must be so difficult and overwhelming for you trying to work through this all on your own. But please remember that you don't have to do this alone- you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to support you.
We also want to let you know that we are currently contacting you via email with support.

We hope that you continue to check in with us to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

[Croix]

Dear Fox73~

Its be a little while since you posted, a brave thing to do. I'm glad Sophie_M was here and hope she has been of some help.

After 15 years in an abusive relationship, alcohol, mental and physical abuse, you have managed something many never do, to break out. Some are so beaten down and full of hopelessness and even self-blame they simply stay. To say you wanted out was a really great thing.

I'm sorry after your calling the police they were of no help, I would have expected better than that , as I'm sure you did.

Promises to fix things, to get help, to do better are all, as you have found worthless, and a threat to separate you from your children is typical -but not likely. It is just another attempt at control and keeping things the same for ever.

Leaving is not easy, there are all sorts of practical difficulties as well as the damage to your already harmed emotional state - plus there is the kids.

If you have not already done so my I suggest you give 1800Respect - 1800 737 732 a ring. With luck they will have some practical suggestions as to your alternatives -realistic ones.

Do you have anyone on your side? A parent or friend,? and do you think you might have somewhere else to go? Facing this all alone is so hard.

I hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

[Fox73]

Well, I finally got him to pack his bags on the 19/04/20. I have formally filed for separation & he’s agreed to pay child support. He admits his faults & is in counseling & medicated. I still get multiple text messages & phone calls claiming his “love “ for me but I’ve found the strength to tell him several times now that there is no going back for me now & that I can’t reciprocate his “love “.

looking back, if the night I called NSW police & they had helped me instead of doing nothing, I wouldn’t have found the strength I’d been searching so long for. I had never rung 000 before for help with my situation & their inaction made me realise I had to help not only myself but my children.
the only thing that persists with any communication is the usual “I’m sorry I did that/said that, but you shouldn’t have...” I’m no longer a victim. I am a survivor.

[Croix]

Dear Fox73~

I'm so very glad yo had the strenght and success to get him to move pout. I also think that all the time he says "but you shouldn't have..." he has not changed in the slightest and maybe he never will , always excusing himself.

Separation can lead to all sorts of practical problems, do you have any support, maybe family, maybe an organization?

There are many readers here who will have taken heart from your story, please let us know how you are getting on. That includes moves backward as well as forward. You are always welcome here

Croix

[Fox73]

Hi Croix, I have 3 beautiful friends (2 girls & 1 bloke) who have become my rock.

Even today when my ex came to “ see the kids”, he claimed his counsellor told him to express his feelings. I told him “if” his counsellor says that again, his response should be “his victim doesn’t want to hear it.”

the difference I feel in myself, after all these years of giving in , submitting to his behaviour is so freeing & life changing. I will never put myself in the same position again...even if that means being on my own...I’m free!

[Croix]

Dear Fox73

You are navigating a most difficult situation wiht dignity and strength.

I'm very glad you have those freinds too.

Croix

[Deckt]

Hey Fox73,

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling strong, and in a better position.

Just dropped by to say; when people say "I'm sorry, but you..." , that's not an apology. I'm glad that you're out! Best of luck in the future.

Hugs, Dt.