Loack of childhood memories

[yecats1508]

I have recently started to recall things from my childhood which I have never previously been able to remember.

I need to be clear that I was never the victim of any physical or sexual abuse but I do believe that events in my childhood would classify as ongoing emotional abuse and it is clear to me as an adult that they have had a profound effect on my mental well being. I have acute anxiety on and off for as long as I can remember and at one point about 5 years ago did have to take medication.

I guess the problem I have now is that I am beginning to recall memories from my childhood which bring to light a number of events that I had previously not been able to recall and I am getting concerned as it is starting to cause a heightened level of anxiety for me and I do not want to end up where I was previously.

In some ways I am fortunate that I could try and talk through these things with my mother (which is where all of this really comes from) but I am fearful that as she has in the past she will be very dismissive of discussing things and I will be left with more questions than answers.

Does anyone think it is worth exploring these things through psychology, hypnosis etc or just letting things be and trying to move past it without any assistance.

Sorry, there is probably not enough information here but happy to answer questions if someone needs more information.

Thanks

[Zeal]

Hi yecats,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that you experienced emotional abuse as a child. As these memories are distressing you and causing heightened anxiety, seeing a professional is important. You could go to your doctor (GP) for a referral to a professional (e.g. psychologist), or make an appointment with a professional you already know of/have previously seen. Whether you see your GP first or go directly to a mental health professional, the main thing is that you seek help soon.

In addition to seeking in-person support, if you need to chat with someone understanding at any stage, you can call Beyondblue's 24/7 helpline on 1300 22 4636.

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[james1]

Hi yecats,

Zeal is spot on in terms of going to see a mental health professional.

Memories were what triggered my recent visit to the psychologist and I think it was about time I'd started going. I was also subject to a lot of emotional abuse and just neglect really.

I'd been trying to just let things be for so long that they'd left my active memory, but they've been affecting my behaviour through school, uni and now I'm 24, still exhibiting the same mental scars. So it's important to not ignore these memories.

Sorry, I don't really have much more advice but if you're nervous about seeing someone, let us know what makes you nervous and maybe we can talk to you about that.

James

[Guest_322]

Hi yecats1508,

I have to admit that parts of your thread is very close to home for me. I think childhood ghosts can be very tricky as they wreak havoc in our minds and lives.

I agree with Zeal and James that seeking professional help could possibly be one of the best things you could do for yourself. Letting things run its course unaided is an enormous risk especially if the memories are only just surfacing.

I lived with my parents plus a violent relative as a child. But to be honest, my memory is blurry. I remember many of the feelings that I had at the time- the body always remember- and intellectually, I can recall what happened.

BUT in terms of actual visual memories- aside from a small number of distinct ones- the rest is a bit of a blur.

I mean, occasionally my mind will wander and something new/unfamiliar will rear its head. But I usually manage to shove those images back down. Avoidance at its best. The feelings are bad enough as it is so I don't really want more visuals to accompany it.

Now, in no way, shape or form am I saying that you should do what I do. I'm just trying to say that I get it (as do many others here).

For what it's worth, I did see a psych for about 4 years and that helped a lot (although I'm not seeing her at the moment). I'm not sure what state I would now be in if it weren't for those 4 years; she helped me rebuild a foundation of sorts and got me standing on my own two feet again.

Do this for yourself and go get some expert help. They're pros for a reason, and if you don't click with the first one then keep looking. Don't settle.

I feel for you. Trauma can be hard hitting.

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Sorry, I hadn't quite finished with my post. What I had meant to say about the pros is that they can be there to help you break the fall (so to speak).

If the memories are starting to surface, a pro can help make the landing a bit softer (if that makes any sense).

Just a thought.

Dottie x

[yecats1508]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I do agree that i probably do need to start talking to a psychologist again. I do find the process of seeing a psych quite emotionally taxing though. I find that immediately after session I feel more settled but then often find that the time between sessions difficult because my mind is constantly filled with other things I want to discuss or things that have come up in the last session.

I guess my other issue now is also that I feel like I've reached a point to where the only truly helpful thing would be to have my mother attend with me so she could gain some understanding of the impact my childhood has had on my life and to have her answer the thousands of questions I have never gotten answers to. But I'm also aware that I cannot base my future happiness and wellbeing on her given that she has never been open to discussing anything for over 20 years.

I'm very good and pushing it all aside and carrying on with work and general life and I think I'm very scared of opening the door to feelings I've mostly suppressed for so long.

[Doolhof]

Hi Yecats,

I grew up with two sisters, Mum suffered from mental health issues. Dad worked three jobs so was not home much at all. My two sisters and I will talk about our childhoods and we all see things so differently. We have asked Mum stuff and she recalls the past as she understood it.

My point is that even if you do take our Mum to appointments, her version of what happened may be totally different than your memories of your childhood.

Over the years I have realised that when we were kids, Mum was battling her own demons, at the time she was doing the best she could. Mum told me a little of her childhood and I now realise she had a really horrid time as a kid.

It has been important for me to talk to a psychologist and work out how the past has affected me in my life and to work out how to make the most of today and tomorrow.

Holding onto the hurts of the past is something that I believe has kept my Mum struggling all these years. I decided years ago to acknowledge what happened and to try and make the most of today. It is not always easy.

When you have questions between your appointments, you can share them here, call the Beyond Blue help line to discuss them with helpers or write down how you are feeling.

There is nothing worse than negative thoughts and questions rolling around in your brain gaining momentum and heading off in all kinds of directions! How easy it is to turn a small issue into a gigantuous issue!

Your Mum may not be able to respond to your questions, her memory may not be clear on the events you need answers to.

I have had to realise that as a child growing up, I experienced life through a child's eyes. As an adult I have been able to look back at the past with a greater understanding of all the dynamics and people involved in my childhood. There were so many influences, not just my Mums.

Hope some of this helps you see a larger picture.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[yecats1508]

Thanks for replying. I totally see where you are coming from and you are almost definitelyright. Her version of what happened would be different to mine. I think I could handle that though because it would be something I could work with. But I have never even had her version of events. Everything I've asked questions I've been met with pretty much the same response. "Stop focusing on the past. It's not important". Except that for me it is important. And I guess I hold a grudge for the fact that I've never been given an opportunity its to move past it based on an explanation.

But I do understand that it's important not to tie my happiness to someone else's actions or behaviour..

[Doolhof]

Hi Yecats,

Finding answers is obviously important to you. From what you have written, it sounds like your Mum might find the past to be something she would rather forget. This certainly makes it very difficult for you to find understanding and peace relating to your past.

If you don't mind me asking you questions, do you have siblings whom you can talk to about your childhood? Is your Dad around? Does your Mum have siblings whom you could talk with?

I talked to some Aunts and Uncles to receive a better picture of Mum's own childhood and how her up bringing fashioned her. For decades I was never game to ask Mum a question outright. I would ask one of my sisters to ask Mum for me.

Emotional abuse can be hard to understand. It can be just as damaging as physical abuse, in its own way. Due to Mum's depression we suffered from emotional and physical abuse.

I understand the way other people's actions can affect your sense of self worth, self-esteem and all the other expressions/emotions that relate to self.

Hopefully a psychologist or counsellor will be able to help you find peace with your childhood and help you to build up your sense of self.

I'm also wondering what your relationship is like with your Mum now? Apart from your Mum obviously not wanting to talk about the past, are you able to discuss other topics with her?

Hopefully you will find answers.

Just a consideration, when a negative thought about your childhood surfaces, try to accept it as being a thought. You may not like it at all, try not to let that thought snowball into something massive. If possible, acknowledge the sadness or regret of that thought then try to recall something nice from your childhood.

All the best, from Dools