Just putting this out there. Hi and keep smiling...I’m trying...

[___2]

????

That’s my life right now.
If I was honest it has been my life up until now anyway.
My future is now ???

I was diagnosed with Lymphoma about 5 months ago. It was every where in my body. Now after 6 Chemo treatments it seems to have cleared but I won’t know for sure for a few more months. I still have 2 cycles to come that require hospitalisation.

The effects of the chemo haven’t been terrible but they have affected and changed my body.

On top of that I have PTSD. Had it most of my life. Which is why my life up until now has been ??

Always feeling that I’m better off dead. Not possessing the confidence to achieve financially or socially. A lifetime of acidic anxiety has a lot to do with that. Always running away or avoiding anything that I would feel is overwhelming.

At 9 my father and sister were killed in a family car accident. When I was 18 my mother died and I felt guilty. I’ve had two marriages and a long term defacto relationship by the time I was 44.

When my 2nd wife cheated on me I gave up on life. So I started living out of a car for several years until I felt that I wanted to try a normal life again.

Then I rent/shared a house but within 3 months all my laptops and camera gear was stolen.

I continued renting for a few more years, became complacent. Living week to week and never saving anything despite working full time.

So I decided to return to van living again to at least be able to start buying a few things instead of taking out cash loans that only ended up putting me in more debt.

Then in March 2020, Covid came to Oz and work asked all vulnerable team members (me) to stay home with reduced pay. So definitely no complaints there.

So I camped out till June in the van and decided to start renting again with my partner of a few years. On the day I picked up the keys to the flat. I had back pain. Week later I was in hospital then found out that I have cancer.

I am 51 years old feeling like 90. Feeling fat, sick and hopeless. Last month a pace maker was implanted to prevent my heart from stopping again and my depression is now coming back big time.
I don’t see the point any more.

Can I return to work after treatment? How will I get by if I can’t? What if I only have a few years left to live?

How would you want to spend the rest of your life if you knew there was a good chance you would die within 3 to 5 years.

It comes down to quality of life.

Just feeling lost...

[Sophie_M]

Dear ???

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community tonight and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14).

Please keep checking in and letting us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it. 

[___2]

Hi Sophie_M thanks for your reply and email. I appreciate it. I'm ok and still feeling lost. have been doing counselling which is helping a bit. I just had the urge to write and share my thoughts. A way to reach out but also to let others know they're not a lone and I can see there are many going through a great deal.

I'm still feeling lost but that's life.. Thanks again for your time...

[Croix]

Dear Question Marks~i

Things have not gone well, and you are now in the situation of waiting to see waht is going o happen. I know the feeling exactly from a couple of years ago, thing settled down though after a 3-month wait.

It was sort of weird and a bit humbling. By that I mean found I'd taken too much responsibility for others, thought my role was greater than it needed to be (bad for me, bad for them)

I have a fair amout of pan from another source and cannot walk much some days, just in the house, others 500m.

I can't dwell on these things, death and taxes are for everyone. If you have that partner still around maybe she will end up the most important thing (depends who she really is I guess).

Then again you might find a mission, you have already mentioned writing, not a bad idea, isolation can be the almost the worst part of the big C. I am lucky both ways, nothing adverse happening in my lung, and a partner who is half of me, and me of her.

I'll feel sorry for her if I went, not for myself. In some ways the PTSD and anxiety almost goes into sleep mode under the threat of all ending.

I've a mission, apart from cherishing my partner, to help those for whom life seems to hard to continue. I've no magic formula, and breaking my rules here by talking too much, however I wanted you to know I know.

Now I can shut up and let you talk

So what do you enjoy, what do you value? who will you feel sorry for? Does your PTSD settle down. You are a resourceful person and I look forward to your replies

Croix