Hi

[mrmonaro]

I only just joined and had no idea what to say or were to start. I went to a psychologist years ago and was diagnosed with extreme PTSD due to a lot of things I saw and did while on serving nearly 30 years ago. I also had a rather interesting childhood with an abusive alcoholic step father who did things that I cannot describe here. I never went back to the psychologist because I was afraid he would have me locked up in a mental ward of some sort. So for the last few decades I have been trying to treat and control this myself. You would be amazed at how well I have been able to hide my condition. My wife knows but like me she is powerless to help. She is though always there for me and that has gotten me through a lot of "situations". Its nice to think that there are services available and what not but what services don't involve me getting the sack from work for being mentally unstable? I start every day wanting to end it all and by the end of each day I find I'm too gutless to go through with it which then makes me want to plan out my demise for the next day and so on. On the one hand I know there is help available but even one day off could see me out of work and then my wife has the burden of having to work longer hours just to keep us fed and housed. My condition is not hers to bare. I want to describe the daily things that I go through but its no different to whats millions of other people go through and have already spoken about so I will spare you all that BS. I'm not sure what else to say or what I even wanted from this post to be honest. 

[Sophie_M]

HI kcmonaro,

There is nothing gutless about this post or how you are feeling. Reaching out as you have done for the first time takes a lot of courage and strength. And it is so important that you have reacheout out. You do not have to keep these thoughts and feelings to yourself or navigate them alone.

Our Support Service is reaching out to you by email as we are worried about you. Please remember you can reach out to our qualified mental health professionals there at any time on any day. They're available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 offering brief counselling, support and referrals to help you on your mental health journey. 

If ever you feel like you are at risk of harming yourself or others, then this is an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway.

We want to welcome you to our wonderful online forums community where users give and receive support based on their own experiences with mental health, many of which will resonate with yours. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. While the peer support on offer here is often quick, it is not immediate. If you are in need of immediate suppport, please reach out to our Support Service as listed above, or our firends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how you are getting on whenever you feel up to it.

 

[mrmonaro]

Thank you Sophie and after reading my post out loud I can see that I may have come across a bit angry or aggressive and I deeply apologize if I have offended anyone. 3 weeks ago I was involved in a fatal car crash. The car I was following crashed head on into a b/double truck. Everything I witnessed when I pulled up to help triggered a lot of things I had been controlling for a lot of years. But after reading some of the other peoples posts I feel ashamed now for reaching out. Yea sure I know I prob need help but compared to some of these other people , I would be selfish to expect any help. I will be fine. Thank you so much for your kind words though and offer of help.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I assume you have military service of some sort. In this post I suppose I'm interested to know more and hope following my post you'll feel free enough to elaborate and continue a discussion so it is clearer to us about your challenges.

I'm ex RAAF, warder at the now ceased Pentridge prison, dog ranger at several councils, security, manager of investigations and ran my own investigation business for 18 years then at 57yo fell in a heap. In 1996 just before the end of my first marriage, facing a break up and kids 7 and 4yo , I made an attempt and swore I'd never revisit that road- and havent. What I did was radical- left my wife and devoted being the best part time dad my kids would ever have. Built my own house for distraction. Created filters to seek better friendships and discard the toxic ones. Find hobbies and sports that I enjoyed. Started caring for myself more eg making choices I wanted to make without obligations.

So I was forcibly retired at 57yo and as I was diagnosed with bipolar then in 2013 I joined Beyondblue mainly to share my life experiences to help others, one of my forms of distraction.

I'm guessing that you work in a field that demands if you develop a mental disorder then it threatens your employment.

I might add that if you have served even one full day of defence service you are entitled to a WHITE card that provides you with full mental health service- free. You likely know this but I thought I'd mention it anyways.

There is no need to explain your childhood (abuse) but I think there is room to revisit a new psychologist and get rulings on how it may or may not effect your job. I's visit your GP to start with.

It's bottled up long enough dont you think?

in the meantime here is a bit to read, the first post.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-balance-of-your-life#qhnqA3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Repost anytime, I'm here daily at various times.

TonyWK

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mr monaro,

I am deeply sorry that your struggling hard with PTSD..It’s a very difficult part of mh to deal with..

Sophie and Tony has written out great supportive posts..so I won’t repeat anything...

I read your words and you touched my heart...Especially when I read that everyday you start your day not wanting to end it all...when you don’t you start thinking about your demise again...This is so very sad....

Maybe best mrmonara..when you wake of a morning...take your morning cuppa outside and drink it while listening to the birds singing, and feeling the sun being absorbed into your skin...taste your beverage...and use all your senses and concentrate on these natural healing powers of nature...to take your thoughts away from ending it...nature is a good distraction...to get out of our unhealthy thoughts...

If I read right is been a while since you have seen a professional counsellor...Please do you think you might consider trying again...So many different techniques and treatments have been discovered over the time you have been managing your mh yourself....You have been triggered back to your past..which has more then likely been festering inside you until something released it...(car accident)...Please..try to consider professional help again....Im not sure but hoping that there might be one that works outside of normal hours...

Please don’t down grade your problems...or feel ashamed that you reached out here..your problems are effecting your quality of life.. and that’s not to be taken lightly...Your as important as anyone here and as much cared for as well..

We really do hope to hear back from you..if you feel up to it..Your a valuable member of our community and just by writing your story here...you are also helping people who read it, that could be going through similar hard times..

My most kindest and caring thoughts dear mrmonaro..

Grandy..,