Just need to tell my story (trigger warning)

Chelle_e · ‎21-07-2016

Hi,

on the 2/7/13 I had a car accident. My children were in the car with me. My son 5, daughter 8, and daughter 18. My 18yr old was 34 weeks pregnant. We had only just confirmed the pregnancy - she was in denial and although I could see that she was pregnant, it took alot of convincing for her to accept that she was. We were all really happy.

My car rolled 6 times. No-one knows why. We don't remember. My son broke both legs his nose and eye socket, my 8yr old daughter broke both legs an arm and the bone that connects the neck to the skull, my 18yr old broke her foot her knee her femur her pelvis and her neck. Her baby, my grandson was delivered stillborn later at the hospital. I also had injuries, but that doesn't matter. I feel like I deserve that.

I don't know how to live with what happened.

The police told me that I was not speeding. I was not doing anything on my phone. I knew, but they confirmed I had no drugs or alcohol in my system. They said I must have just lost concentration. They charged with negligent driving occasioning grievous bodily harm.

I have now been diagnosed with PTSD. I have nightmares of trying to get my car back on the road. Fighting to get control. I can hear my children screaming. I don't go anywhere. I'm terrified of getting in the car. I haven't driven since the accident. I can't be around babies. My brother and his wife had a little boy 2 months after the accident and although I have met him and I am happy for them I never held him and avoid seeing him.

A good friends son just had a baby boy. She wants me to meet him but I can't. I feel sick just thinking about it. It's not fair. I love my babies and have always protected them. Always made sure they were safe and it was me that ruined everything.

How do I live with that? I feel so alone.

Wednesday · ‎21-07-2016

Hi Chelle,

I am so very sorry that you have gone through such an awful experience, it is so very sad. You're are being so tough on yourself. As a mum I can see how easy it would be to blame yourself. I have no doubt that you are great mum and did everything you could to protect and car for your children.

But accidents do happen and there doesn't seem to be any reason for your accident. You cannot hold yourself accountable for this accident.

That people want you around their children is a sure sign that they trust and care for you. As you know parents are pretty fussy who they have around their children.

I wish I could give you a hug (if you like hugs that is).

Of course you have PTSD who wouldn't. Maybe you are trying to handle too many things at once. Do you have any help, a doctor or psych?

You can live with this, it will fade as time goes on and you get some help. Your injuries do count you are not a bad mum, none of you deserved this accident to happen, it just did. It's not fair. Your children still need their mum, you have to look after yourself for their sake even if you can't do it for yourself right now.

I'm glad you found the forums, you will find many friends here, you aren't alone. Let us know what your thinking when you can.

xx

Paul · ‎21-07-2016

Hi Chelle_e,

Wednesday is spot on about you being hard on yourself. You spoke about your own injuries then said it didn't matter, you feel like you deserve them. Are you comfortable to tell me why you feel you deserve the injuries?

I understand that the whole incident would be difficult to talk about it must have been difficult to recount the event in your initial post.

Take care. please write your thoughts as often as you need to here.

Paul

Chelle_e · ‎22-07-2016

Hi Paul,

Paul, where do I start? I can recognise that I suffered bad injuries that I still suffer from now but compared to what my children suffered? They are nothing. My grandson never even took a breath. I was supposed to keep them safe. I can't say that I didn't do anything stupid or wrong. I can't say that I didn't cause the accident, that it wasn't my fault because I can't remember it. Everyone keeps saying to me that even if I did remember I wouldn't be able to change anything but thats not the point. I need to remember. I need to know if I did something or could have done something so I know. Just so I know. So I guess to answer your question, the reason I feel like I deserve the injuries is because I am here with my children, watching them fight to get strength back in their legs, knowing that my little girl still has horrific surgeries ahead of her, holding my big little girl when she cries for her baby, holding my son when he screams in the night knowing that I was driving the car. Knowing that it is my job to protect my children and even though I have always, always done my absolute best to keep them safe- I failed and they are suffering for my failure.

Chelle

Chelle_e · ‎22-07-2016

Hi Wednesday,

Thank you for caring it means a lot. I do have a good doctor. I have been seeing a psychologist for a while now and have just been referred to a psychiatrist (bit scared about that last one). No-one has blamed me (to my face anyway), but I do blame myself. I had my first child when I was 16 and fought to keep him. I vowed the day that I found out I was pregnant that I would love, protect and cherish him for the rest of my life (he was not in the accident). I made the same vow with all of my children. And I failed I couldn't keep them safe even though they were with me.

I can't type anymore but before I go, I would love a hug.

Chelle

Wednesday · ‎22-07-2016

Hi Chelle,

Here's lots and lots of hugs, to start getting your hug quota up.

I am pleased that you have a good GP and psychologist. A psychiatrist visit may just be what you need, it probably feels a bit scary because you haven't done it before. They seem to concentrate more on the meds and the psychologist concentrates more on the counselling side.

You are a good mother, you are doing all you can to look after them, you clearly do cherish them.

Do any of your children have or have had counselling. I',m thinking in particular of your big baby girl?

It is so important that you look after yourself. It's really hard to help others when you aren't in a good way yourself. All your babies need you, feeling guilty is counter productive to what you want to do. It was an accident you did not set out do anything but the best you could do.

Sweetie, give yourself a break, know that you did do the best you could do. There is no evidence that you did anything other than the best you could.

Would you be so hard on anyone else?

I hope your injuries are being addressed too and that you are not ignoring them?

Hugs to all of you. xx

Paul · ‎23-07-2016

Hi Chelle.

It's been a horrible time and now is the time to heal. Whether you find answers or not, you need your family and they need you.

It's natural to run through the "should have" and "could have" scenarios but the fact remains that it happened for reasons unknown. The only one blaming you seems to be yourself 😞 that's not helpful to anyone especially yourself and it might even be hindering the recovery of everyone. There will be time to explore through your mind later when you have the emotional energy to do so.

For now, cherish your loved ones and yourself. The time to heal is now The time to know is later when you have the emotional energy.

Big Hugs.

Be kinder to yourself please and that will shine on your family and help them.

Paul

Wednesday · ‎25-07-2016

Hi Chelle,

I just dropped by to say hello. I hope yore doing okay? Were here if you feel like a chat.

Hugs