Living with PTSD for 10 years and still no better

[Singlebutterfly]

Hi All,

I have been a single parent for 9 years now after being in an abusive relationship (emotional, mental, financial and some physical and sexual abuse) for nearly 10 years, from which I developed PTS, but was no officially diagnosed with PTSD until 5 years after developing the symptoms. I have been under a number of treatments both chemical and psychological over the past 4 years and have found the chemical treatments side effects to become quite unbearable and invasive in my life, though everytime I manage to get a rapport with a psychologist/ counselor they would either take extended leave or move from my area all together (I am in a rural community), I have even gone as far as admitting myself to a mental health unit through fear of my own safety. Though have found that upon discharge from the inpatient unit there is no services offered to help me in dealing with what I am feeling. The way I am feeling is so turbulent. At night I find I cannot sleep, or wake in fright from night terrors. I find myself socially isolated and find I have major anxiety when out and around others, especially when I am forced to go into an area where my ex husband frequents. Though my biggest fear is in my own home, where the behaviours of my two older children mimic the abuse their father use to direct at me, this puts my PTSD at a whole new level, I will hide in my bedroom and pretend to be asleep, or will go out in my car to get away from the abuse. I have no external family support as my family walked away from me last year, and the only two friends I do have, have abusive partners themselves, so I avoid them if possible. I feel like I am reliving the relationship I was once in and feel powerless to control the situation I am in. When I was in that abusive relationship I attempted to take my life twice, this is not a road I want to follow down again, and when those thoughts get in my head it frightens me to the core. I am sick of living with PTSD and just want a life with some happiness in it, but am finding each door I seem to open gets shut in my face.

[Zeal]

Hi Single Butterfly,

Welcome to the forum.

I felt incredibly sad after reading your post. No one deserves to be mistreated in this way. You have been taking the right steps to get help, but it seems that the remote area you live in is a hindrance. How old are your two children? Do you have any younger children too? I am really sorry that your two children behave inappropriately and have picked up unhealthy ways of behaving from your ex.

As your area doesn't have a strong service base, online options are important. Beyond blue's helpline can be accessed 24/7 on 1300 22 4636. Here are some other support service options:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

https://www.sane.org/get-help

http://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/

https://mindspot.org.au/

Please feel welcome to reply 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Singlebutterfly]

Hi SM,

Thank you for your reply to my post and yes you are right no one deserves to be treated that way and yes being in a rural area is a real hindrance to treatment options. My two older children are 18 and 16 and I do have a 9 year old as well. There is a lot more to my PTSD than I originally posted, post separation from my ex partner, my ex partner sexually abused the children whilst on access with them, the most crushing part was although I took all appropriate step's (once I was alerted to what was happening) by ceasing access and involving child protection and the Police, the Police refused to prosecute him for the crime he committed, saying that the children were asking for the abuse to occur. The children blame me for the abuse occurring and blame me for him not being held accountable for what he has done to them. This is a guilt I totally carry with me each and every day of my life. The worst thing is it doesn't matter how much counselling I attend or how much medication I have been put on, it still doesn't prevent vivid flash backs occurring with me (on what I was described as happening to those children), I wake in my sleep thinking that I can hear the children calling out to me. I relive certain situation's that occurred over the time they were with their Dad. It is such a terrible situation and seems to be one that is not fixable in my eyes. I have also been trying to study over the past 6 years to get a job that I always have wanted to do and to make a better life for me and my children, but have found the PTSD really takes over the ability to study and no matter how much I have explained to the University of my situation and how out of control my situation is, they just don't want to listen and want to remove me from the University's course, this action is causing a real flare up in my anxiety and leading me towards depression. It feels like such a vicious path. With no family support I just feel so alone out here. I will look into those links you have provided me.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Singlebutterfly,

Thank you for writing in and connecting with us.

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through; it sounds like it has been incredibly difficult and I admire your courage to come here and post.

Having lived in a rural area myself (before later moving) I know how difficult it can be to access services and mental health treatment. Unfortunately hospitals have a terrible discharge program in linking with services so a lot of treatment needs to be initiated by you. I can also see how frustrating it would be when the counsellor decides to leave after you've developed a relationship with them. I wonder if it's worth talking to your local GP about this. Often in rural areas everyone tends to know everyone, so there will likely be a mental health worker who enjoys the 'rural life' and has no interest in moving to the city. This might be a psychologist, a counsellor, a mental health nurse or a social worker. Also, if you go the same clinic where you saw your last psychologist, they will likely have your record on file - which means that they will have some background information on you and hopefully you can develop the relationship quicker.

With regards to your university course, is there a counsellor there that you can talk to? I would strongly advise that you find out your rights with regards to completing the course; often many universities can allow you to request extensions for exams, or even put the course on hold - one of the universities I'm familiar with allow up to a year's leave for medical reasons. Also - make sure you document everything that happens; just so that you can cover yourself in the unfortunate case that they do want to remove you from the course.

SM gave some great links to help too- and I want to encourage you to try out the PTSD course. It's all online, and they do have a few phone calls and emails to check in on you; but I've done the Wellbeing course and got great benefit out of it. The direct link is here (just in case you have trouble finding it) -

https://mindspot.org.au/ptsd-course