It's so difficult to function, I'm exhausted

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there. 

I think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder but I am yet to receive a diagnosis. I have an intense fear of abandonment. I fear being judged and when I sense I have been judged by someone I isolate myself. 

I couldn't hold down my employment. Masking to pretend that I was OK was extremely difficult. 

I have very black and white thinking, love and hate. And I feel like sometimes everyone is against me and everyone wants me to fail in life. 

I don't live leaving the house and I suffer from social insecurity and anxiety. I find it hard to sleep. And I just feel so overwhelmed. 

It's hard to relate to people. I get hyper sensitive to the way some people word their messages or the tone they use in conversation.

Even small incidents make my day or mood intense. I internalize and bottle up a lot of anger and frustration. 

"Functioning" as a "normal" human being is really difficult. I'm on break for university at the moment but at the end of my uni year I felt snowed under with work and I still feel so burnt out. 

I'm 20 years of age but I don't feel like an adult. I constantly feel exhausted by my self destructive thoughts. 

I want a therapist who will take my stories/experiences seriously. I feel that something isn't right BUT I don't really know what it is. I recognize and acknowledge that self diagnosis is not ideal. Although, I feel so stuck and I really relate and resonate to all of the information I am studying or reading about Borderline Personality Disorder. Finally I feel like my feelings, intense emotions, worries and concerns are VALID.

PF.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi PF

You’ve shown courage in posting here and lots of insight into things you experience.

Have you thought of trying your university’s psychology and counselling service as a starting point? They are normally free for students. I went to the one at my uni and you got up to 6 sessions per year. I was fortunate in that I got a really good psychologist there but obviously limited by the number of sessions. You may or may not get someone you gel with to begin with, but it might be worth a try.

The other option is doing an online search for psychologists who specialise in BPD and would be able to specifically investigate that with you. If you have a referral from a GP you can get a Medicare rebate for up to 10 sessions with a psychologist (and there was the option of another 10 after that but not sure if that’s continuing in 2023).

 I don’t have BPD myself but recently experienced some stuff where parts of me kind of split off due to previous trauma. This led me to searching for answers and I found stuff on structural integration. In several conditions such as BPD, complex trauma, PTSD and dissociative identity disorder, parts of the self are not integrated with the core self and can act autonomously. These are the parts of ourselves that can feel out of control. Learning about this led me to the work of Janina Fisher and she writes really well about these conditions. She works with people to re-integrate the parts that are split off. She takes a really compassionate view of BPD and reframes it as a kind of trauma attachment disorder. She prefers this to viewing it as a personality disorder. She has developed her own method drawing in particular on two other methods - internal family systems and sensorimotor psychotherapy. She’s written a book called Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation. I want to read it but haven’t got to it yet. I’ve read and watched other stuff by her online.

 I’m in no way qualified to know whether you have BPD or not, but just mentioned the above info in case it helps in your search for answers. There might be others with lived experience who have some more thoughts and ideas. I hope you can find the right help and support soon.

[CaramelCrisp]

Hey, while I do not have personal experience with BPD I want to second what Eagle Ray said about looking for a psychologist who specialises in BPD. I had horrible experiences with GPs and psychologists before I did that, felt like I would never get any help. I must have learnt from somewhere that I could seek out people who would understand my personal struggles and it does so much to go there and know that I am understood and not being judged. Hope you can find the help you need here and elsewhere