Dear Keira,
I think pushing oneself really hard and being very self critical are common consequences of trauma, especially complex trauma where we may have been exposed to stressful circumstances over a period of time in our past, especially early life trauma. I think getting some support from a trauma-informed psychologist would be a good idea. You are probably aware you can get a referral and mental health care plan from your GP to see a psychologist with a rebate for 10 sessions. In my own experience I had to try a few psychologists until I found one who was the right fit for me.
I relate to what you describe in terms of pushing yourself in that I’ve had an extremely strong perseverance drive my whole life. My default has always been to be highly critical of myself constantly. With me it’s definitely complex trauma. Since working with my current psychologist for a bit more than two years now, the self critic in me has really started to quieten down. I’m also finally beginning not to push myself really hard all the time. In fact I’ve been forced to let go of that has my health has really suffered to the point it has made me stop. I can actually feel the letting go in my body now which is a massive relief. There’s a book on this topic called When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate which may be of interest.
The things you describe such as not taking a break for food and water at work I can understand and have done similar. It is a hard thing to explain to people who don’t experience this intense, self-punishing drive. What has gradually happened for me is an internal self-caring part has developed and is becoming increasingly able to calm the part that is driven and hard on myself. There’s actually a psychology approach that works with parts called Internal Family Systems which works with these different parts of ourselves to integrate them so they work well together. I’ve had a lot of help through somatic approaches as well, understanding what is happening through my body and working with the body to develop feelings of safety.
A useful resource if you are ever feeling overwhelmed is The Blue Knot Foundation. They provide free counselling support for people with complex PTSD. You can do up to 45 minutes a week with them, though sometimes sessions are 30 minutes when they’re in high demand. Their number is 1300 657 380, everyday from 9am-5pm, eastern states time. I just thought that may be helpful if you feel the need to talk with someone.
Those are just some thoughts. Please feel free to chat further if you want to. Go gently and sending you much kindness and support,
Eagle Ray
