Dear Guest,
I think the experience you describe is really common with CPTSD. I have CPTSD also and it's taken me a long time to start to value myself which I think is the beginning of things changing. You start to get to a point where you are able to take care of the vulnerable part of yourself that did not get the care you needed growing up. It's like you develop an inner parent to care for this vulnerable child part of self.
What I have learned is that being seen by others who are kind and caring can be the beginning of really seeing ourselves and caring for ourselves for the first time. As we start to value ourselves we are less worried about how others see us. I'm wondering are you receiving any therapy support? A good therapist can often be the first person someone with CPTSD learns to develop trust with. If you are really seen by the therapist, if they are really present with you, you begin to feel a greater capacity to be truly present with yourself in a kind and nurturing way.
This greater presence with yourself also improves relationships with others, but also can lead to having less of a sense that others might be judging you negatively. I still frequently fall in a hole where I become afraid of other people and I expect them to attack me in some way, which is my trauma history still getting triggered in my nervous system. But when it happens now I am at least aware of it and increasingly my inner parent comes in and takes care of the part that is worried. After a while this starts to become more automatic as a greater sense of inner safety builds.
There is a therapy approach called Internal Family Systems that might be of interest that looks at working with the different parts of self. Parts that can act autonomously (such as fearful parts) can be acknowledged and cared for and therefore integrated.
I know it's not easy. It can take a while to find the right help too. I had to try a few therapists before I found my current psychologist who I actually feel seen by, and it really makes a difference. Just know that you are ok as you are. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not the things that happened to you in the past. You can get to a point where you really know this within yourself. It can just take some time.
Take care and happy to chat further if it helps.
Eagle Ray
