I REALLY need help with this.

Scapegoated · ‎11-07-2021

I am obsessed with what I look like and extremely sensitive about others either not commenting or noticing that I look good or thinking if they don't that they think I am ugly. I need help with this. My mother DID call me a Freak of Nature, She DID call me a dirty little mutt and an animal. Am I supposed to Never tell anyone and live with this all alone? My mother called me a freak of Nature and said she hated the sight of me at 4 or maybe even 3 years old and I was abused. if people can say that people raped them why can't i SAY HOW DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLE MY SOCIOPATH OF A MOTHER IS.

Scapegoated · ‎11-07-2021

I will say I modelled up until I refused to do so anymore. I have gotten a lot of print ads and was rejected but always got call backs. My father always favored me and thought i was so beautiful so my wretched mother jealous and a narcissist punished me by projecting her ugly self onto me. ANd now I have Body dysmorphic disorder. Since i was six years old I have thought non stop about how my face is. I have thought my nose is not perfect. I think about this most of the day it interferes with my happiness and I need some balance. I know this is body dysmporphic disorder but there is no cure. There is only a different anti depressant. I took what my mother said literally=how could i not I was THREE?! But now I cannot fix it. I was growing when this happened and now it is an obsession which I must learn to let go.

Sophie_M · ‎23-07-2021

Hi Scapegoated,

We are really sorry to hear that you have had such a difficult time lately, we can see from this and other posts you have made that you are dealing with a lot right now. We want you to know that you have been so brave by reaching out here for support and that we are sorry we haven't sent a reply before now. We are here for you, you don't have to go through this alone.

We are concerned about how you are feeling and think that it is time to give our support line a call on 1300 22 4636. They will be able to help you process these feelings about your mother and the emotional abuse. These are difficult topics to talk about what we think this could be a great step forward. You can also call KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, they are wonderful and caring as well.

If at anytime you feel unsafe, this is an emergency and you should call 000 straight away.

Thank you for showing the courage that you do on these forums, it is an incredible thing to do for yourself and for the community. You never know who you have helped by sharing your story. Please feel free to come back and update us on how you are feeling, if you are comfortable.

Kind regards ,
Sophie M

Scapegoated · ‎23-07-2021

I told the person I emailed that I have no access to a phone. I do not own a smartphone and my home phone is monitored. So I CAN'T give a call. I just got out of the hospital because I cannot stand being locked inside with my evil mother anymore. My dysmorphia because of her constant criticism is at an all time high.

Sophie_M · ‎23-07-2021

Hi scapegoated,

We can hear that phone calls aren't going to work for you right now, perhaps you could try the webchat options instead? You still get to talk to a counsellor about how you are feeling and they can offer specefic and useful advice. There are a few linked belwo if you want to give them a go.

WebChats
Beyond Blue 11am - Midnight
KidsHelpline 24/7
Lifeline 7pm - Midnight

We hope there is something there can be helpful for you today, or whenever you need it.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Gabs_ · ‎23-07-2021

Hi Scapegoated,

You sound like you are going through a rough time. You mentioned you'd recently been in hospital?

I know you said you've been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) - is this something you are currently working through with a psychologist or psychiatrist? The Centre for Clinical Interventions have some really great resources on their website (I've copied the link for you https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Body-Dysmorphia). I'd really recommend taking a look at the fact sheets and workbooks (if you feel like you are in a place to).

It's really hard to deal with some of the stuff that we are told as kids... you're right, we hear it at such a young age and we believe it, and it's not until we are older that we stand back and recognise how damaging it was. I'm sorry your mother dealt with you that way - it's no doubt something that is very raw and difficult for you. There is a really good book I read called "Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. I really recommend it.

I've had issues with difficult and unrealistic parental expectations throughout my life (I also modelled, did ballet, straight A student) and it took me a long time to deal with the trauma associated with being told I wasn't "good enough" or that I "needed to try harder to be better". So I completely understand when you are such a mixture of emotions - angry that your parents didn't fulfil their role to take care of you, sad that you are now having to deal with the after effects of their words and actions.

I'm here if you want to talk further. I know you are angry and hurt, but you have people who are here if you want to talk more. I can also recommend the Beyond Blue team if you need a chat (1300 22 4636).

G x

Scapegoated · ‎27-07-2021

HI Gabs,

Thank you so much for your beautiful response. I don;t know how to follow these threads because there is no reminder emails that alert me to the fact that someone responded. Thank you for all the wonderful material you have posted; i will look at it especially the BDD workbook and site. I realize that it is a loop in my head and that like an addiction it can be broken. I have been putting my foot down and demanding that I be nice to myself and this seems to work. I MUST not engage when the desire to check kicks in. Sometimes i will but i must recover from it straight away and engage in something more positive for myself. I appreciate that you are here. Thank you for making me feel welcome. I wasn't feeling welcome. Lots of hugs to you. I hope you are doing well and that the crazy thoughts about your appearanc eare not making a comeback. I know that it is a process and that eventually I will hel it. But the painful times are excruciating. I realize I must shift gears to change the constant loop and end the groove of addiction in my brain that I formed to survive. Allowing her to get into my head was necessary to think like her because if i didn't i would not have survvied in her sick world. I see that now and that it is a process. I guess one of the most difficult things is being on medication becaus esometimes it worsens the problem un til it is adjusted just so to relieve the problem. I guess i am one of those people who was roped into bigpharma and will be my whole life. I tired to go off an antidepressant once and the withdrawal was hell. But it is not so bad to have to take medication if i exercise and eat right and have the right one that is not so toxic I have a normal life. It is just getting to the point of a medicine that is the less toxic and making sure i eat right and exercise so that i can be normal like people that don't take medication. When it gets to that point i am happy but when i have to change and wait until that point happens with a new antidepressant it is Hell. lots of love to you Gabs.

Gabs_ · ‎29-07-2021

Hi Scapegoated,

Lovely to hear from you. Just as an FYI, I think the new forums platform that will be launching soon will have the capability for you to select if you want notifications when you get a response in a thread. But, for now, if you click on "my threads" you can see if there are any responses or new posts as it will show up in bold.

I've found the CCI workbooks really helpful in recognising patterns of thinking, and providing tools to try and stop yourself. Even if you find them hard to start with, I really recommend going back to them regularly. The things in the workbooks that make you most uncomfortable or that you want to avoid, are generally the ones that will have the greatest impact (trust me, I learnt that the long way). I have a rule, "if you are avoiding it, it's the stuff you actually have to do".

I know what you mean about the painful times - I've had times where you just go "will I ever get out of this?" and it's hard to see the future when the fog of pain and hurt clouds your mind. But I want you to know that you can. It's not easy and there will be days where it feels like you take steps backward, but every little baby step you take towards healing makes a difference.

How are you going with the meds? I resisted for a long time, but I now take them daily and I'm finally ok with that. I had a few problems with bruxism and had to change a few times, but I'm finally settled with one. But it's just that transition phase that is a bit rubbish. Fingers crossed you feel better soon. But if the feeling doesn't subside, you could always ask to try something else.

You mentioned exercise - is there anything you are doing at the moment that is working for you? I had to avoid the treadmill etc due to being too focussed on the amount of calories I was burning etc, so I started doing KX pilates and I found that to be a really good outlet because you have to concentrate on the moves, so your brain kind of turns off so it becomes less about exercising for looks and weight, and more about focussing on technique and breathing. I also found that rather than focussing on "skinniness", it focuses more on strength. It was nice to see muscles in places that had never been there before (not beef cakey, just athletic).

You sound like you are really determined to make progress though - and that is the most important thing. You should be really proud of yourself. The first step is always the hardest.

Take care and look forward to chatting soon. Bug hugs x

Scapegoated · ‎05-08-2021

Hi GAbs,

I just posted and I think I answered a lot of what you are asking. I have bruxism too but I would rather have the bruxism with the medication than the body dysmorphia. THe bD is MUch MUch worse. SO I switched to my current meds and i am not having the body dysmorphia. ALso I don't feel as anxious. I think my jaw clenching is a little more pronounced-no pun intended-with the medication but i am calm. I was always anxious on my previous intidepressants and i felt like it was speeding me up like a cup of coffee. SO I think my new meds are ifnally working for me. THe previous antidepressants were really not good for my body dysmorphia. But now i am more aware of something i do at night before i fall asleep and it is picking dead skin off my heel. I have known i do this but i am more aware about it on the new meds because unlike previous meds it does not dissociate me or knock me out which is a good thing. I just think it is gross and i wish i did not feel the urge to even things out. If i get a pedicure the ladies look at me like i am crazy. I don;t care they talk in vietnamese or korean about me but who cares I look better than them. lol! Anyway, I really appreciate your kind words. I am doing better which is why i ahve not been posting for a few days. Thank you so much again. I think it is great that i am not on two antidepressants and just on one now. That's progress also I don;t feel like i am taking one antidepressant to rev me up and one to put me to sleep. I amy be more tired and need to rest but I ahve had a hard life so rest is a good thing. HAve a great day you deserve it. I am not exercising much except for walking becasue i am still getting used to the new meds. It takes a long time to adjust every time they change an antidepressant i am sure you know but i am looking into pilates/yoga/and fabric dance in my area. SO I will get to it. I just need a few days to rest. 🙂