I live with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) & I have struggled most of my life with relationships

lochness46 · ‎02-11-2020

My names Vanessa & Im a single parent living in country Vic. Ive been diagnosed with BPD since 2009. I was previously diagnosed with Depression prior. Its been a very diffcult journey for me, especially prior to being diagnosed with BPD..BPD is one of the most complicated & complex Mental Illness you can have. Most of the trauma that happened to me, to trigger my mental illnesses (my BPD) occured when I was a teen that sent me on a spiral of self medicating with self distructive behaviours, & ruining my first serious romantic relationship. I havent felt good enough in my own skin for most of my life, & still dont. So as the years went along, I saw therapist after therapist, with most of it not really helping me till 2009, when I was offically diagnosed with BPD. Then 16 yrs ago I met a man whom had narcasstic traits that I wasnt even aware off. He soon became my "favourite person" & wanted to be loved so desperately. Life seem good & this man whom I was besotted with...6 months after being together I found out that I was pregnant. What a huge & delightful suprise, but not known to me after this man found out I was pregnant, he changed....We started fighting alot & he started to become verbally abusive with me....I didnt know what was happening at the time. I started to resent the way his was & see that he was had very narcissistic traits.. So after my beautiful baby boy was born, the relationship with my sons father really turned bad & not only did more veral abuse start, the physically abuse started too. I was very confused & eventually reached out to the Domestic Violence Support Group. It certainly opened my eyes to the fact that I was dealing with domestic violence. So after that, after about 3 yrs I wanted out of this toxic relationship with my sons father. But he certainly didnt make it easy for me to leave. So many AVO"s & court appearances drove me insane. All these huge difficult issues made my BPD SO much worse, which I didnt even realise at the time...I have suffered quite alot of other traumas in my life also, with a parent who im sure has BPD as well, my mum & a dad who invalidated my feelings & emotion most of the time. Even though I have gone through alot that I wasnt prepared for & have survived quite alot, I still feel very lonely, to scared to get in a relationship again & misunderstood. Can you relate & understand my story??

Sophie_M · ‎03-11-2020

Welcome Vanessa,

Thanks for introducing yourself here tonight. It sounds like you have survived a lot - we think you are so strong to have come through so much, and to have reached out the way you did. We are so sorry to hear that you have been in an absuive relationship, and how lonely you're feeling at the moment. We understand that these past traumas might make the prospect of starting a new relationship quite scary. Many of our community members have had similar experiences - hopefully a few of them will pop by to welcome you and relate over the next few days.

It sounds like you have received mental health support in the past to receive the diagnosis - can we ask if you are currently accessing any support? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to offer support, advice and referrals.

You may already be aware of 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. Please do feel free to contact them anytime for some support on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/

Welcome again! Please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread about what you're feeling and experiencing, whenever you feel up to it.

Guest_1643 · ‎03-11-2020

Hi Vanessa -
Yes I really can relate to your story - wht stood out to me was a small thing you said "my mum & dad who invalidated my feelings and emotions most of the time..."
When we have no one to believe us and listen to us, its very hard to see and identify wht is truly happening.
I was also an abuse victim for many years but did't know it - my parents told me i was crazy, silly, "too sensitive"- whatever - which were ways to stop me from feeling and acknowledging my own truth.
I believe you Vanessa and what happened to you was wrong. Verbal abuse/manipulation takes a huge toll and is so real. It hurts and is such a serious issue.
Are you safely seperated from your son's father now? I can relate and understand your fear of getting into a new relationship.

lochness46 · ‎15-11-2020

Thank you for you concern Sleepp21, I have been out of the relationship for more than a decade, but the pasr truamas has definetely left a huge impact on my life..I am getting the therapy I need to help my Borderline Personality Disorder but its REALLY hard work...