I left an abusive relationship but I have feelings of regret.

Tj2018 · ‎16-02-2018

On New Years 2018 I caught my ex boyfriend cheating on me. He was extremely drunk and assualted me, damaged my car, stole my property and threatened to kill me. In the past I have tried to split with him due to his controlling and manipulative behaviour but he always did things such as trying to commit suicide or make me feel guilty so I’d be forced to stay with him. I did love him and we had planned such an amazing future together, but I’m struggling to keep myself from trying to contact him despite the fact that I have gotten an intervention order against him. He took our dog who was my baby and I still feel as though I want to sit down and talk to him about everything that’s happened. I don’t know if these feelings are due to the fact that I’m naive to what has happened or they are just part of the grieving process. I feel embarrassed and ashamed from what has happened and I’m feeling quite alone despite friends and family trying to be there for me. Can anyone give some advice or relate to the emotions I’m feeling right now?

bindi-QLD · ‎16-02-2018

Dear Tj2018,

Sending you Hugs, I'm so sorry your your boyfriend turned out that way, that is so hard on you:(

The reason you feel this way is because you love him, and love is not like a light switch you can turn on and off. You've made the right decision, and you will be very vulnerable for awhile,. The love feeling eventually gets replaced with feelings of self protection, I promise you that. It will take a while, and its normal.

These will be the hardest days for you, but please know, eventually what happens is you will be revolted by what he did to you. Its not possible to feel that completely when you still love him, but cutting off contact and protecting yourself will get you there. Please just take one day at a time, don't contact him when you are so vulnerable. If he was able to love you back, he would never have abused you or cheated on you. You are worth loving, and it will get better. Please follow your head, your beautiful heart betrays you right now.

Its just really hard, what you're going through, Please be patient with yourself, and trust the logic of your decision.

Tj2018 · ‎16-02-2018

Thank you so much for the reply, I was not very hopeful someone would see this.

Its a given things with get better, but I find it so hard to cope with the time in between that. I don’t feel like myself anymore, I feel like a massive chunk of me has been taken out of myself and I’m just lost. It’s so confusing to sit here and say he didn’t love me because of his actions, despite all the good days he made me feel as though I was the one he wanted for the rest of his life. I’m only 18 years old and he was 21, but I’ve always brought myself up as much more mature and put together then other 18 year olds. No one can relate to what I’m going through and it’s so hard to do this alone because of no one actually understanding my situation. At the moment I’m finding it very difficult to find my place both in work, my social life and my home life. Thank you once again for taking the time out to reply ❤️

white knight · ‎17-02-2018

Hi TJ, welcome

Id just like to offer you a couple of threads to read, even just the first post of each.

Google

Topic: guilt the tormentor- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: the definition of abuse- beyondblue

Topic: narcissism- beyondblue

Ps I'm not suggesting he is a narcissist.

I hope they help

Tony WK

Tj2018 · ‎17-02-2018

Thanks Tony, I’ll give them all a look. 🙂

bindi-QLD · ‎17-02-2018

Hi Tj2018,

I'm certain Tony's links are worth a look, I hope you will have a chance to google them. Knowledge is power in a situation like this, when your emotions are overwhelming you, to the point where they sabotage your personal safety.

Whether your boyfreind really loved you in between the times when he was abusive, is probably less the issue. The main thing to consider is that the overall situation was abusive. The terrible thing about Abusive partners, is they cause your pain, then sooth it. So you feel so close to them because they gave you just the right `salve' when you hurt most. It creates a strange kind of dependency and neediness with you . But they caused that, because they abused you! The hole you feel inside, is missing the `salve'. Normally, that soothing would be a relationship you could value deeply and depend on. But its not if they are the one abusing you in the first place. Does that make any sense?

What I found myself from personal experience, is the `salve' become more and more scarce over the time. The abuse gets worse. And if you really start to assert yourself, you will usually be replaced with someone else in a terribly hurtful way, then erased. The pain and loss of dignity is a much worse pain than what you are feeling right now.

The alternatives are to leave now, go through the pain of it, or become an abusers emotional or physical punching bag.

You are 18, that is just so awesome. Your life is ahead of you, and you are wise and experienced beyond your years. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is just endure this pain, it will be over soon enough. Please be strong, I really believe you can do this.

Sending you lots of hugs and good wishes X

Tj2018 · ‎17-02-2018

Oh Bindi-QLD you are overwhelming me with emotions right now. It feels so warming to talk to someone who understands and can give you relatable information. I can’t thank you enough for your knowledge, support and beyond kind words.

This is only the beginning but I’m finally to feel as though I’ll be able to get through this in one piece. Thank you for listening. I’m so in love with these forums and the people in them. Xx

Juliet_84 · ‎17-02-2018

Hi Tj2018,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been through this at such a young age but also glad that you found help from this forum. Like you, I was in an abusive relationship from a young age (21) for many years (11) that also had many wonderful times. He truly was my best friend. I think the hardest parts are trying to understand how the person you love can do these things to you and also the loss of the future you thought you would have. I also understand the desire to sit down with your ex and talk about things in the hope that you will get some closure or he will suddenly “get it”. But the sad fact is, he won’t ever get it. Sometimes you almost feel that you reach them, but there is something wrong in their brain that makes them feel justified in behaving the way they do. I don’t doubt that they love us in their own way, but there is something deeply wrong with their thoughts and behaviors, and those are entrenched. If you would ever like an insightful read into their minds, there is an ebook (free online) called “why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”, it’s based on a wealth of research of abusive and controlling men and it is the most accurate account I’ve ever read. Sadly, you know that his behavior is not going to change, but coming to terms with that fact will take time. I wish you all the best, you deserve every happiness xxx

ChrissyStar · ‎17-02-2018

I have been in an abusive relationship before and was surprised that I found it extremely hard to leave & when I did, felt regret to the point that I would return. It is years past this time now, so I can see it clearly. What happened was two things:

1) I felt cut off from the rest of the world (alone). I felt vulnerable around others - fearful that they would point out what a failure I was and how messed up I was. It didn't help that sometimes when I was hiding in people's yards - when I explained why, they would say "Don't bring him here, go somewhere else." which made me feel like I had nowhere else to go. I had to go back. Afterall, I would be on the street if I didn't. And I needed to survive. I now know of help services such as the Domestic Violence Assist (or similar) via LifeLine (or Kids Help Line if you have no money for the phone call).

2) I felt there was 'unfinished business'. I was unhappy with where the relationship was at and I could not leave without there being a huge hole in me as a result. Thus, I would stay through thick & thin (or black & blue) until I reached a point where I could accept that this was a no-hoper I could not change - or until I had no choice, it was either leave or die.

Overall, it was a lesson on my part to not get myself into such a situation again - always have enough behind me that is mine, so I can give myself an out of any situation. (By 'enough' - I mean emotionally & financially.) I also found support through Domestic Violence services (a big 'thank you' to these wonderful people).

Yes, I know the feeling of regret well. It is pride that says "I can't believe this is happening, I refuse to accept it. I regret my life has gone this way, I don't want to accept it, I won't." Of course there is regret - that it happened. But it has and that will never change. Once it's done, it's done.

Just leave to a safer place - deal with the regret later, when you are whole.

bindi-QLD · ‎18-02-2018

Thank you so much, it really is my pleasure Tj2018.

I had two abusive relationships with men, in a vulnerable time in my life. I didn't see it coming, like you I thought I was loved and cherished, and then whack.

I never stopped craving that `salve' from the people who hurt me, not even many years after I'd moved on. Just a `I'm so sorry' and ` You really deserved better than that, for all the love you gave, and for sticking with me even though I have really messed problem '. Those sort of words would have been so healing. But my craving them had became the trap that had kept me there too, and it had to stop.

I don't hate abusive people, I loved those men very deeply. The way I dealt with it mentally and emotionally was to just realize you can love a person, but you can't have relationships with abusive people. Even if you can see all the beauty and potential inside of them, and feel so much for them, you can't be in a relationship like that. Its heart breaking, but I feel that's the truth that made me able to move on.

You will get through this in one piece. Please be strong. Its really worth it. XXXX