abandonment issues

[liefde3]

I suffer from PTSD as a result of childhood sexual abuse. Recently my partners work hours increased which means I have been seeing him less and as a result my anxiety has been triggered and escalated to a point where I fear leaving the house and on some days am afraid to even leave our bedroom. I'm aware that my fear of abandonment comes from the fear of being unsafe, it makes sense, whenever the people I trusted and relied on were gone when I was a child were the times when I was abused. Even though I'm now an adult and the abuse is over I still fear that bad things will happen when I'm alone, I watch the clock until my partner comes home from work fearing that he won't come home at all, feel guilty for having symptoms and get angry at myself when my strategies don't work...

Anyone dealt with or dealing with a similar issue?

[PamelaR]

Hello liefde

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. It's good you've found the site. Hopefully you'll find the forum discussions supportive and informative.

I know how tough childhood sexual abuse is - I had a similar experience as a child. It's dreadful, horrible and no child should have to go through that. Being able to control what happens to you at a young age is almost impossible. You rely on those older than you to keep you safe from harm. When this doesn't occur you can be left with ongoing difficulties through adult life.

You say that when you are on your own you are triggered. Is there anyway you can get a house mate or a dog for companionship?

I'd like to discuss some other things if that's okay with you.

Do you have a GP that you see regularly? I found it very useful to have a good GP who understands mental health issues, particularly PTSD, anxiety and depression associated with childhood sexual abuse.

Are you seeing a mental health professional (e.g. psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker)? For me, it's been essential to help me stablise myself and heal the wounds from childhood. I found finding someone I trusted, could relate to and believed in their approach has helped me heal. I'm still seeing someone, though, I think these days it's more about staying on track. It took years of pain to get where I am today, i.e. happy with myself and my life.

Have a look at the Beyond Blue home page - www.beyondblue.org.au There is a wide range of resources available about mental health that you may find useful. The tags at the top can help you navigate through the site to pick those articles you think that may help you too.

Once again, it's good you've found the forums and to know you are not alone in your experiences.

Be kind to yourself.

PamelaR

[liefde3]

Thanks for the reply and the support!

I have a GP and a psychologist that have helped me resolve and develop coping strategies for a lot of my issues but at the moment nothing seems to be working to resolve these feelings. I have discussed a companion dog with my psychologist who agrees it would be helpful, I'm in the process of finding one. It's the in between that is difficult at the moment, I know it's only temporary but as you probably know things can snowball very quickly. Like today for instance I'm trying to think of ways I can fill my days and keep myself distracted but it just leads into me beating myself up for being unemployed and unmotivated to do anything.

[PamelaR]

Hello Liefde

So pleased to hear you're very organised. That makes such a difference in managing life in general.

Being unemployed must be so difficult for you. It's so hard out there trying to find work. Your sense of not being motivated is due to a lot of things. My best advice is - there is no need to beat yourself up. It doesn't achieve much really other than to make you feel more terrible about yourself. You don't need that, especially having experienced such terrible things in your life. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it that you have survived and are telling your story. Good on you.

I totally understand what you mean about the snowball effect. I haven't managed to cease this from happening. Though I do have hope with my new psychologist. He has me keeping a 'thought diary' to help me understand where, how, what I am thinking to help change these thoughts. It's more than metacognition / cognitive and behavioural therapy. It's thinking about thinking. I'm only new to this so probably best I don't go into it here. Especially since you have your own psychologist you are working with.

There are a range of coping mechanisms available when you're going into this space. Some of these are really well written and available form the Beyond Blue homepage under the facts tab. For example, have a look at anxiety management strategies. I do most of these when I've be triggered. They help to some degree. It just depends on what's happening in my life at the time as to whether they work or not.

The major one for me is to - slow my breathing by counting, focus on the now (usually my breath), then when settled take my awareness to what the trigger was and challenge and change my thinking. I know this doesn't work for everyone and it's really hard work. I am having some success with the awareness bit and it is helping!

Once again, be kind to yourself Liefde.

PamelaR