Is it my fault?

[Kelizabeth]

I'm 6 months down from meeting a man who has broken my spirit and taken everything from me. I've been emotionally abused for 6 long months and even now I've left him his words still torture me. I remember meeting him and he was so charming and he built me up so far telling me how fantastic I was, how clever I was, how special I was. I feel so stupid because I fell for it all. One fight was all it took...one fight where he was 6 hours late to pick me up but somehow I ended up apologising for meeting up with my married friend (cheating he said). I still can't believe how quickly I turned into someone who couldn't stand up for myself. What followed was months of "I'm not sure I can handle you", " You're a lunatic", "You never want sex, I used to love it until you came along", " You're petty", " You're an idiot" among other insults and put downs. The compliments stopped and they were replaced by constant criticism and avoidance. Unless of course I'd done something "wrong" like dare to call him out on things he was doing. I now know he was on dating apps and sleeping with other people unprotected the entire time and have had to go and get myself tested, I can't have sex anymore because I'm too afraid and I've ended up with vaginismus. The few times I've stood up for myself and said he did the wrong thing I've been met with accusations of " you always spin things to suit you" and "you put words in my mouth" followed by assertions I never deserved him or anyone. He has messaged anyone I've talked to, messaged my friends to discredit me, threatened to report me to my workplace. I'm terrified and I feel like a fool, somehow he's made me believe this is my fault, that I'm the horrendous person he made me out to be. Every single thing he's ever done he's justified by pointing out some flaw in me. I suppose I just need some support and someone to try and convince me I didn't do anything wrong because being here at rock bottom and hating and blaming myself is torture.

[Croix]

Dear Kelizabeth~

Welcome here where I think you will find there are many who have the same experience. It realy is shattering and heartbreaking to be so badly used by someone that is only concerned with himself and manipulating every one else.

I guess the first thing to say is that you have made an incredibly hard move to end the relationship. Although you feel terrible it is realy the start of a better life. Many in your place blame themselves for being weak, for not seeing things as they truly were, not acting sooner. They think if they had been strong it all would not have happened.

The truth is different. You were fooled by someone who is so skilled he can push your buttons and get the reactions he wanted without even thinking about it. In his relationships he needs to put the other person down so he is built up. He is nothing unless he controls them and puts them down. All those lovely words and actions at the start got under your guard and when the behavior stated to change you were floundering. Then his skill in making you feel inadequate and at fault came to the fore.

All those taunts and criticisms played on your own fears and worries, and at the time you accepted that. Now the hard part for you is to accept the opposite, you are a worthy human being and it was the constant relentless criticism that made you see things in yourself that either were not there at all, or were taken out of all proportion.

You are sensible, it shows in your post, you have the experience - purchased with this misery - to not fall for the same thing again. Standing up for yourself and calling him out was exactly the right thing to do, as was leaving.

Now sadly you most probably miss the good times, it is only natural, you are alone. I would think trust is now at a very low ebb. There are decent people in the world and I really hope that in time you meet one, you deserve it.

Many, me included, have good relationships based on mutual care, consideration and love.

Is there anyone in your life you can talk to, who will care and understand. Sharing the burden can really help.

I do hope you continue to come here and say how you are going, it is a very hard time for you.

Croix

[Kelizabeth]

Thanks for your kind words.

I think what I'm really struggling with at the moment is this lack of confidence in my own thoughts and perceptions. Strongest example I can think of was him saying "it's disgusting get off tinder that's not the type of girl I want anymore" and " I don't do shit like that" even though he had casual sex while we were in a relationship. I stood up for myself and told him I wasn't a slut/whore or whatever he was implying and the response I got was " I never said that stop putting words in my mouth, you just need to hear it for your safety". I don't even trust my own thoughts anymore and it is such a struggle.

[Kelizabeth]

I’m becoming scared as I think about things in my head that I might be the abusive one and it’s really hard because I can’t figure out if I just reacted or if I’m the bad person

[Croix]

Dear Kelizabeth~

I'm afraid there will be examples like that at the moment. A legacy of harsh treatment.

I would think that your reactions, then and now, are an entirely normal response to a very skilled operator pushing your buttons. When we fall in love we open ourselves to the other person. This means we become vulnerable - that's what opening up means.

As a result if he picks on all the vulnerabilities and systematically exploits them to make you lose self esteem and become dependent then you are going to feel exactly as you do now. If a stranger on the street said the same thing you would in all probability discard the words as rubbish. You are having a problem doing the same with this person's words. It does not mean they are true, just they were expertly chosen.

If you look at the 'cycle of abuse' at such sites as

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/emotional-abuse

(you can also look around this Forum as well)

you well see that unfortunately it is a well established pattern. It is not easy to get a sense of perspective and far too easy to blame or doubt oneself, after all that is what all this is about, training your mind to do just that.

A few words here on a screen is not going to undo all the damage that has been done to you. Time and fresh experiences will.

I would suggest you do not try to handle all this on your own, particularly as there are many organizations and professionals who are used to dealing with this situation. I'd suggest ringing our 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) and ask what would be best for you in your area.

Although it may take a little while you will get back to being the person you remember, but stronger and more capable.

Please talk as much as you like, we will be here

Croix