I feel like the person from sixth sense

[Prometheus]

I just need to get this off my chest sometimes I see his dead eyes I know their flashbacks but there so real it's like I can describe every detail i don't mind flashbacks of the abuse which is sad to say but what my uncle would do that voice he had it still wakes me

i am talking with a trauma counselor so I guess your probably thinking why do I need to talk about this you probably think I'm doing it for attention

But I just feel alone and more alone with my therapist and the only thing keeping me company is my trauma this continuous line of images haunting me I guess there's trauma then trauma from having trauma how do I stop it how do I tell myself that it's over I'm living two lives one in the past one present how do I tell my 7 year old me that it wasn't my fault

If you have read this far thank you I know these questions are hard to answer but you just reading this makes me feel free

[Croix]

Dear Prometheus~

No, I don't think you re doing it for attention - or not in the way you mean anyway. A sound, a voice, anything -or seemingly nothing, can bring that procession back in the mind.

I've no easy answers, I can say with confidence things get better, the triggers less effective, the memories or being totally bound up in the events becomes less real, less compelling, less frequent. Nowadays they come at times, but are tolerable.

Your 7 year old would love you irrespective of everything, and can accept there are two sides to a mum. Guilt is built into us, even when any rational person would say you are blameless the mind will find something to say "it was my fault". I don't know why. As you improve that gets less too.

I'm glad you are seeing someone familiar with trauma, are you going at a speed that you can tolerate or are matters being pushed a bit fast? Discuss it, pace is important.

Two things I've found, no three things, have helped. The third is to lead as stress-free and healthy a life as possible. Exercise nutrition and sleep while avoiding things or people that needlessly increase stress - it might be the news or wahtever affects you.

The second thing is support, this can be the love of your child, or a partner or family member or freind. Someone not to face life alone with. I was blessed with a strong loving partner.

The third you can do, even if you do not feel like it or see the point. Every day have an activity you have in the past, or now, enjoy. Anything. Small to large. It needs to be something you can look forward to, and that tends to take your mind off your life.

I started with adolescents' fantasy books (mind could not concentrate better) and they took me to another world where endings were happy, and villains got their just deserts. I still read for the same reason -enjoyment and escape.

So what candidates do you have?

Over time this self-reward takes on a significance you do not anticipate, you start to think you are worth rewarding - dunno why but it works.

The free smartphone app Smiling Mind can break you out of a endless cycle of thoughts, takes practice but works.

I've said enough for now, no real quick answers, but if you know others understand what you are going though that will be a start

Croix

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[Quercus]

Hello Prometheus,

Croix has said it all really but I wanted to chip in about feelings of guilt because I related to what you wrote.

When you said you are living two lives it reminded me of how I used to feel about my memories. I buried certain memories because I couldn't think about them without feeling as I did at the time. At the time I felt at fault. Guilty. Too weak to stand up for myself or leave. Responsible for everything that happened.

So I felt split in two. One woman with buried memories to avoid the guilt. One younger woman guilty of her own hurt. Separate because I didn't know how to make peace within myself.

What changed was long term psychotherapy and meds and accepting the memories as mine. Talking about it again and again and again. Examining how I felt. Looking at the memories and accepting I can't change how I felt at the time but that doesn't mean how I felt was correct.

Eventually (and I can't explain why) I could view the memories, feel how I felt but also accept how I felt was wrong. I was young and naive and scared and isolated and manipulated into accepting responsibility for another's actions. Yes I feel guilty when I remember. But I also know I was encouraged to feel this way and it wasn't my fault.

Just wanted to show that there is hope where guilt is concerned. Croix is right... 7 year old you would love you. I know younger me would love me too. Because I would look her in the eyes and say I don't care what your mind says. His actions are his guilt and shame. Not yours.

Nat