Hi Echtis
I just replied to you on another thread but wanted you to know that I get how hard it is to find a way to self love without having received the nurturance and support we needed in childhood. But we only feel that lack of love because someone else made us feel bad about ourselves in the past. The core of you is a worthy human being deserving of love, and that core is still there even though it may feel buried under negative feelings. It is the beautiful, innocent person you were born as and that person is still there.
I’ve been learning how parts of ourselves can get split off from us when we are traumatised because of the way memories are stored when traumatised. The part can feel like our whole selves - such as the inner critic or unloveable child - but it is just the traumatised part, not who we really are.
What I am learning at the moment is how to develop an inner parent to take care of my inner child part that never got the love, nurturance and safety it should have received from the beginning of life. I know that’s hard, but it is possible. The traumatised part that got split off can then be re-integrated into a healthy, whole self which is what I’m working on.
I actually did an exercise on this with my psychologist the other day. While I was good at showing my inner child things out the window (which is where my imagination went during the session) I realised I felt a bit anxious about how to comfort her when she’s distressed (which my inner child most definitely has been lately). What I learned from the psych was I don’t even have to say to the inner child ‘you’ll be ok’ (which was kind of like my anxious response). I just need to be present with that child and let her feel her emotions and feel comforted by my presence with her. It’s like nature takes care of the rest and the emotions get to be felt and released by the child as she nestles into safety.
There’s actually a therapeutic method around this ‘parts’ approach developed by a psychotherapist named Janina Fisher.
My mother could be very cruel at times and it felt like she wanted to hate me out of existence (just as her mother made her feel), but this is not the essence of who I am. It’s an imposition from my mother’s insecurities, just as the bad feelings you’re experiencing came from outside but are not you.
Take care and remember there is support for you xx
