i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

[divine_inner_goddess]

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse**

Hello out there, 

I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... 

I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense?  

I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent.    

I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning.......

I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like.   

Thank you, 

dig

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hello Eagle Ray & Indigo, 

I just thought I'd check in and say hi.

I am reading the Mark Wolynn book and OH MY GOSH!! It is very powerful and transformative. I have had one profound revelation after another as I am working through the exercises in the book. It's like a game of dominoes. You know when you line them up and then push the first one and it pushes the next domino over etc etc.  Linking lots of my traumas and difficulties to both my parents' patterns. Old resentments melting away and dissolving. Wow! is all I can say. I am deep in 'process' and when it settles a bit and I emerge, I'll be able to share more. I am working my way through the book gradually because it has been quite intense, so I am just taking it gradually.  

I hope you are both travelling well, 

dig

[indigo22]

Hi ER and dig,

I am sorry I have not been posting recently, I really have my hands full at the moment at home and with things involved with the new role. Plus I had a big trigger yesterday that I was not aware of and made a complete ass of myself, at least now I know what caused it so it will be one more for the psychotherapy sessions. Those automatic programs from our younger days really cause havoc in our adult lives when we are not consciously aware of them yet don't they?

I promise to post more when things settle down, which should be soon. I will go over the last few posts and respond as soon as I can.

I hope you are both staying well,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi dig and indigo,

Dig, you are inspiring me to get on and read the Mark Wolynn book having only listened to interviews and podcasts. But I think I will be taking it gradually too. I’m so glad you are getting heaps out of it.

Indigo, I’m glad you figured out your trigger and it’s great you can then work through it in psychotherapy. It can be hard in that period of time when it first happens and we’re still trying to figure out what’s happening with us. It’s good when the puzzle pieces come together.

My breathing has gone totally out in the last few days in relation to what I think have been a few triggers. I know it’s linked to multiple past traumas that have impacted breathing from a traumatic freeze happening. It’s so utterly involuntary with a life of its own but I’m working on a few strategies for dealing with it which are helping at least a bit. I’ve had no choice but to lie in bed for much of today as my system has gone down, but I’m used to this cycle now and I know I’ll improve again.

 I hope you both have an awesome, enlightening and healing week!

[indigo22]

Hi ER and dig,

ER, I'm sorry to hear your body hasn't been playing nice with you, I hope you are feeling a lot better soon.

I wanted to let you know about someone who was on the medical intuitive summit while I am thinking about it. Her name is Jennifer Lisa Vent, is an afro/native american who has studied in many cultures and I found really interesting, I think you will also. I can't recall at the moment but I think she has a podcast. If you get a chance to look her up, let me know your thoughts.

indigo

[indigo22]

Sorry, her surname is Vest not vent, I am tired and losing the plot🤪

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks indigo. I have a full day today and heading to the city tomorrow, but I will try to have a listen to Jennifer Lisa Vent soon. I’m aware of the several traumas that are connected with the breathing difficulty. It has been a compounding impact over time. I’m having to face decisions that are kind of heartbreaking in the coming days. A relative who is dear to me is also very ill in hospital. I’m also dealing with another life decision about my future that is challenging for me. So I think the fact my body has gone into a stricture is not surprising. I’m aware of what is happening and why. When grief releases and I cry it helps. I try not to think of it as anything sinister because it’s actually my body’s way of trying to protect me. I know I will get through it.

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are dealing with multiple emotional situations at once, I will be here to support you in whatever way you need, all you need do is ask. I know you have the strength and determination to get through this but you don't need to do it alone. Please take care.

Sending you a huge hug,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so much indigo 🙏

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hello Eagle Ray & Indigo, 

I am sorry to hear that you've had some triggers lately and your breathing is difficult at the moment Eagle Ray. I totally get the exhaustion and needing to curl up in bed when the system goes down, that you mentioned a few posts back. That's a lot of big emotional stuff you're dealing with at the moment, by the sound of it. I know you can hold yourself gently as you go through it, but know that we're here to support you, too 🙂 . 

Indigo, I can relate to the situation you mentioned a few posts back about being triggered. Sometimes it comes out of the blue, hey, and takes one by surprise. It's so automatic at the time. I'm glad you have your 'psychic-therapist' to help you work through it.

I have a few changes happening at home at the moment, and some financial stress looming, so I have been feeling a bit stressed this week. I notice that my chest is tight and I often feel overwhelmed and breathless and dizzy. I am trying to listen to my body and slow down when I need to, but sometimes I am finding that I just can't settle myself. I think perhaps reading the Mark Wolynn book has stirred things up a lot - particularly in relation to my estrangement with my mother. So there's that old stuff relating back to the original trauma in my childhood, plus the current stressors. As I am writing this, I am realising that of course I would be feeling stressed. Anything to do with my mother is BIG. In general though, I do feel good, much lighter and more free. I feel like some massive layers of trauma have peeled off lately. It's been INTENSE, shedding those heavy layers, but good. I just need to keep my little inner child safe, as I address the wounds from my childhood traumas. 

take care both of you, and big hugs, 

dig

[Eagle Ray]

Hi dig and indigo,

Dig, I know that feeling of not being able to settle. Sometimes I find I kind of have to just wait until my body decides to let go of what it’s holding onto. Sometimes that happens after I’ve been in bed a while and I experience it as an involuntary shuddering. It’s usually after that my body is able to sleep. I don’t know if you get anything like that, where it eventually just lets go?

 I really understand about estrangement. It’s emotionally painful and I think can come up in waves, sometimes when we think we’re on top of it and then it’s like a kind of grief again. I feel like I’m heading into a potential estrangement situation at the moment. Had quite a bit of a grief cry today. My distress levels are pretty high. It’s a situation I never imagined I’d be in and it’s a third party who fits the exact profile of a malignant narcissist who has sought in the most underhand ways to destroy my relationship with my last immediate family member. So it’s been dying a slow death and I’m exhausted from the emotions. It’s hard to believe it is real.

Yes, I can imagine the Michael Wolynn book could bring stuff up. The intergenerational stuff can be quite full on. I hope you can debrief with your therapist or here or whatever helps if you need to. Yes, it’s so important to remember that little inner child. It’s making all the difference to me now that I’m starting to care for mine. We just didn’t get to internalise this normal self-care in our actual childhood environments. It’s learning to self-sooth and be our own support/cheerleader so to speak.

Indigo, I hope your trigger has settled down for you. It’s great you could understand it.

 I hope you both have a good day tomorrow and weekend. Take care,

ER