i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

[divine_inner_goddess]

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse**

Hello out there, 

I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... 

I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense?  

I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent.    

I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning.......

I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like.   

Thank you, 

dig

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray, 

Thank you for your post and your understanding. Yes I agree, I definitely need more time for healing. I have come to this realisation over the past few months. It has been confronting coming to terms with it, but I have come to a place of acceptance.   

In relation to work: Like you, my mental and physical health collapsed, for me around 2 years ago, and I had to stop working. I am definitely not going back to work, to my previous role, because of the extent of my own trauma and the risk of being triggered. So when the income protection runs out I will have no source of income. I have submitted a claim for an insurance pay-out, and I am waiting for the outcome but it could take 6 to 12 months!!! I am also looking into the DSP. I have an appointment at Centrelink this week to make some enquiries and get the ball rolling. And I have GP, psychologist & psychiatrist appointments coming up soon, to discuss the DSP and supports moving forward after the income protection ends. I am not sure if I will be eligible for the DSP because of the assets test, but, I will ask about that at the Centrelink appointment. In the meantime, I have a plan to get try and get ahead of bills and squirrel away some money in the next month, to last me for a while until I get things sorted out.... At the very least I should be able to get Job Seeker with medical exemption... Even though I am being proactive and taking these steps, I am still freaking out. It's that survival instinct kicking in, and de-stabilisation of the ground/root (the Root Chakra) that sends my nervous system into a spin. I have been in situations over and over again in my life where I have suddenly and unexpectedly been without an income, or without a home. I have never lived rough on the streets, but I have been in a state of 'secondary homelessness' many times, as a child, and an adult. I know intellectually that I have a stable home at the moment, but, my brain and body is reacting with fear as if my home is going to be taken away from me and I will be left with nothing. It's a very stressful and deeply unsettling feeling. I am trying to breathe, and take the steps I need to take... 

dig    

[Eagle Ray]

Dear dig,

 I so relate to what you describe in relation to the fear of not having an income and what will happen. I think it is a basic survival threat response where, even if things are more secure now than in the past, the stress of how to ensure future income induces that threat response in the body. In 2005 I developed an extremely painful bladder condition. I could no longer work and lost all my savings. I went on a program with the Commonwealth Rehab Service which is what existed before disability employment agencies. I remember having just $1.23 in my bank account. I had to eat porridge from oats in the cupboard for several days until the next payment came in. I was paying for counselling plus rent and it left nothing after that. I could barely walk more than a few metres without collapsing in agony. Somehow I started doing part-time TAFE despite horrific pain and gradually went back to work, on a high dose of slow release synthetic opioids. But I know it’s been a huge cost to my health. I also medicated for years for regular migraines which was the only way I could get through the work day. I suspect that along with stress has contributed to the autoimmune liver disease I now have.

So I think what you say about acceptance is really important. I jumped through all the hoops society expects of you, paid my taxes etc, but my own health eventually totally collapsed. So I think it is critical to put your body and health first and I’ve realised I have to. With regard to assets, it may work differently with DSP compared with other Centrelink payments, I’m not sure. But it’s worth asking. I went to an info session on DSP the other day. What they may suggest initially is being on a program of support with a disability employment agency, which is what I’ve been on. But you essentially end up on the same path. But I think you can apply directly for DSP as well and there are points criteria that a medical specialist, clinical psychologist or psychiatrist can complete. You have the right people there to do that for you if you apply.

 I so understand the freak out and it’s happened to me each time I’ve tried to move back into work. I think there is an intuitive underlying awareness about what the body needs to heal and an inner instinct just tells you that you profoundly need to rest and recover without pressure. I recently came off a 3 month medical exemption and I could feel how it helped me really improve, though a new med has been very important too. But I can still feel the enormous vulnerability to any kind of stress. It feels like you are dealing with a similar vulnerability and it’s so important to recognise it and as you say come to a point of acceptance. I struggle with that acceptance but I’m not sure there is an option to continue not accepting health limitations.

 I hope you can find some ways to settle and feel more grounded. I really struggle with that too. Things like sound healing music might help to shift energy, time in nature, co-regulating with safe others etc. Take good care and always here to support you on your journey which feels quite similar to mine in a lot of ways. Hopefully we can both get the support we need.

 I’m glad you have that DSP support indigo. Did you feel a big difference after going on it - like relief, the absence of pressure, the capacity to really start healing etc? I imagine it’s made things quite a bit less stressful.

Sending you both big hugs xx

[indigo22]

Hi ER & dig,

My journey going on DSP took 2 years because I was dealing with a young psychologist at Centrelink who thought she knew better than the doctor that had been treating me for depression for the previous 4 years. She denied my application, I then had to go through the appeal process. There are 3 levels of appeal (or there were then anyway), 2 of them are internal Centrelink levels, the final one goes to the Administrative Appeals Tribunal. I was fortunate to have a doctor presiding that day who could see that the psychologist had overstepped her role and long story short, he overturned the decision.

It was during that 2 years that my ideation got really bad as I was on the new start payment and couldn't keep up with the bills, was dealing with my sister and her lawyer over the estate, I just wanted it all to stop. Once the DSP came through and I was back-paid for the 2 years, I was able to get the bills sorted out and gradually the ideation eased because the financial stress was easing. It is still not even close to minimum wage but I have set up a budget and unless something unexpected arises, I'm okay. The thing is, you can't even think about healing when all you can think about is how you are going to pay the next bill that comes in. As I said, if you are feeling well enough and you want to do a few hours of work, you can, but it is not a requirement.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I was troubleshooting, here is what that was about. The council has been mowing my grass for me for about 7-8 years due to my fatigue. Recently the Government decided to change the way home care was handled and took the role from the council and gave it to private companies (idiotic move). The council advised me Uniting Vic/Tas would be taking over from 1st July and I waited to hear from them, had no contact person/phone number. Finally after 3 months (and grass that was growing increasingly long due to spring) they sent a letter which talked about how they prefer payment for their services. It was like a red rag to a bull. I phoned the number and gave them a piece of my mind and asked about when the mowing was going to resume. They couldn't tell me, they don't have anything in place yet and don't consider it a priority. Then they wanted to do intake, they insisted that can't be done by phone and I told them I did not want them coming into my house for a lawn mowing intake. In the end I said **** it, I arranged a no interest loan (the NILS program, which is available when you are on DSP and some other Centrelink payments) to get a lawn mower because I can't afford to pay $50 to have my lawns done regularly. I will just have to do a bit each day, but I am seriously unimpressed with the whole situation.

Please don't let the idea that there is something wrong with going on DSP, stop you from doing what is the most caring thing you can do for yourself going forward. You can't heal under pressure, nor should you have to.

Take care both,

indigo

[indigo22]

ER, I wanted to add something regarding my previous post. I assume you were on carer payment when you were caring for your mum, as was I. So instead of thinking of it as having to accept a disability, think of it as a self care payment, your mum wasn't disabled as such, but she did need care, so do you.

Hugs all round, indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you indigo.

While I was caring for both my parents I was also a uni student in receipt of a scholarship for postgraduate study. I think because I was receiving that payment I didn’t think of applying for a carer payment as well. It was a government funded scholarship so in a way it was like government support via a different channel. It is not required to be paid back. I felt guilty about not completing my studies but I’ve simply been unable to, and I’ve thought of it since as like a carer payment that just came a different way. I only lived with my Mum in her last 11 months, but in the years before that I spent weeks at a time there, especially when my Dad was in the advanced stages of Parkinson’s and Mum was going through cancer treatment. I was often there more than I was at my rental place. It perhaps would have made sense just to move there but part of me was still trying to have my own life in the midst of everything.

My Mum was totally eligible for a carer payment in relation to my Dad in addition to the regular pension she and Dad were getting. She got the forms but wouldn’t apply. She did get support via an ACAT assessment. There was a strong tendency to not ask for official help. I’m sure it was trauma-related and linked to her childhood feeling of asking for help not being safe. She looked to me for help though, both for herself and managing Dad. I also have an extreme reluctance to ask for help, because I didn’t feel safe doing so as a child. It’s all a kind of unconscious transmitted trauma pattern.

When I came out of the DSP info meeting the other day I strongly dissociated. I tried to understand why. I think from birth I’ve essentially been struggling and I’m so used to struggle that going on the DSP feels like giving up to my body that impulsively wants to keep striving. It’s very primal. I also have got much out of work in the past even though it’s been hard for me, so it just feels conflicted. But each time I’ve been working towards returning to work my body has just gone into distress, like there is an awareness I’m still not ok for it. A few months ago I could not lift my body up for most of the day and had debilitating cognitive symptoms associated with the liver condition. I’m doing a lot better now, but I’m still in a process of recovery including multiple complex trauma issues. The liver disease is also permanent and progressive, but is somewhat stabilised at the moment.

I think what you have done is wise because you recognised your limits and the ideation you were experiencing is totally a sign that you needed that support. Each time I’ve been feeling the pressure to return to work ideation has come up for me too. In the language Gabor Mate uses, it’s the body saying no. So I think for you too dig that sounds like what your body is saying. It’s like a deeper awareness and continuing to override that awareness is going to be more harmful than helpful. I feel like allowing for a deep healing gives us a greater chance to contribute to the world than if we collapse because we’ve pushed ourselves too far. I’ve got ideas for a creative business that I could still start but do in the small ways I am able.

It’s hard the lawn mowing service was cut indigo. I’m trying to think what other options are possible. I struggle with taking care of my garden. I’m in a strata complex and the guy who mows the communal areas does my back lawn for $25 every 3 weeks. I’m not sure if you’re in a strata situation but wonder if something similar would be possible if you are? But you have the lawnmower now so I guess you can see how you go. It can be so hard when on your own can’t it. Take care.

[indigo22]

Hi ER and dig,

I wanted to share this quote from Marianne Williamson with you both, I feel it may be something you need to read at the moment.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

Wishing you both speedy recovery,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

It has nothing to do with “playing small”, as if our responses were a choice. When you have had involuntary terror in your nervous system from day 1 of life, you have been fighting just for air, just for the capacity to exist at all. It is below the level of cognition and rationalisation. I am  very distressed right now and I just need to withdraw.

[indigo22]

Eagle Ray,

My intention was for it to be uplifting, I am so sorry that it was instead distressing.

My take on that quote has always been that it is about our self confidence, self worth, and who we truly are at our core beneath the damage that has been done. 

I sincerely apologise that it has distressed you, that was never my intention, please forgive me for hurting you.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Indigo,

I’m sorry, I woke up from an horrendous nightmare this morning. I feel like I’m losing everything in my life that made up a sense of who I was and was connected to. About 3-4 days ago I nearly took myself to hospital because my distress levels were so high. The quote just triggered me because the responses I have are involuntary. I can understand what’s happening to me but I can’t stop the responses. So motivational quotes can be really triggering. I have various patterns of fear avoidance that are severe. That includes not asking for help which I associate with danger. So quotes that tell you to not be small in the world leave me with a feeling of even more intense helplessness, because keeping myself small has been the only way to stay safe. It is not “playing small” by choice, it is an automated response to desperately try and attain safety. My body has tried to disappear/dissociate for as long as I can remember. A lot of motivational psychology does not understand c-ptsd. I don’t know if that makes sense?

I’ve realised how intense my c-ptsd is. My brother has it also but I don’t think is diagnosed though he has seen a psychologist. But he also has fear avoidance manifesting in different ways to me. I want to help him and for him to be ok, but the situation feels currently impossible. When we should have been able to support one another that isn’t happening, because of historical factors plus the influence of his partner.

I am just facing so many losses. I find very few people grasp complex trauma. I very much find I want to withdraw from the world completely as it truly feels like the only safe option.

I’m sorry if I upset you. I just had a total trauma reaction. It is a sign I am losing it. I just had a long drive home from the city today. I am better here in this small town close to nature and will probably start to have improvements in the coming days.

 I’m sorry to you Dig for losing it on your thread. I hope you are going ok.

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

You didn't upset me, my concern was only for your well being because I had no idea that would be a trigger for you, if it helps both of you, I will ask the moderators to remove it. You are important, not the quote. I find it empowering and hoped you might too but I am not dealing with the same things as you so I messed up. I hope you are okay, the last thing I want to do is make life more difficult for either of you, I'm so sorry.

indigo