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Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I didn't know he was popping prescription medicines or that he has a porn addiction too.

During the course of talking to my husband and hammering him for answers I decided I would do the one thing I never imagined doing, I snooped. What I have discovered has left me in absolute ruins. In December last year over the course of 3 days he searched for and visited 52 kinky websites and signed up on 13 Kinky Dating sites. When confronted he of course denied it but I wasn't having any of it. To cut a very long story short I have discovered he is addicted to porn and has even watched it at home right under my nose. The nature of the porn has gotten worse and while I haven't actually viewed any of it judging by what he was searching for I can only imagine.

My heart is shattered, my head severely messed, I cannot eat, cannot sleep due to nightmares, I have invasive thoughts - things pop into my head at any time and I'm really struggling to deal with it all.

He has accepted he has a massive problem and wants to get whatever help he can. He is genuine in this and has begged me to stay and help him. The trouble is, who is going to help me? There seems to be so much out there for his addiction but all I can find is sites telling me how I'm feeling. I already know that! I need help to accept, move on and heal.

I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who he is anymore, I'm broken, sad, depressed and have been having crazy irrational thoughts.

Is there any hope?

53 Replies 53

TJ1049,

I feel your pain & felt compelled to reply to your post because of how recently you posted. I am in a similar situation & haven't yet worked out how to deal with it. We are trying to work through it. 33yrs old, married 11yrs, one 3 year old child.

I found out just over a year ago that he has lied to me our entire relationship. He has watched/looked at porn in secret. I feel like I'm not sure who he is anymore. He was addicted to porn through no fault of his own at a young (primary school) age (came across things his Dad had in shed).

He continued to watch into high school. I've only recently found out that there has been things he&his idiot teenage friends exposed themselves to (videos) that have left him mentally disturbed/traumatised.I only discovered this because things continued to not add up since he "confessed" to watching porn during our marriage a year ago.He continued to lie about "small"things & somehow I finally got it out of him that he had seen BAD things.He refuses to tell me what & I also don't want to know.He becomes extremely agitated & comes across aggressive when this comes up in an argument.He is never violent & at all other times he is a mild person who never raises his voice, except for when this comes up.I'm certain whatever these things are have caused him some sort of psychological damage,otherwise he wouldn't be so clearly affected by it in conversation.

He said he's stopped viewing anything for 5yrs now because he knew it was bad. I don't believe him but I also don't have proof.Just a terrible gut feeling I can't ignore.Which he keeps insisting is wrong.

There is so much more to say,I could go on about how his behaviour doesn't add up & hasn't our whole marriage. He has a lot of good qualities but I value loyalty & honesty above all things.Both of which he has broken.

I wish there were answers I could give you to help you through it better. I believe in my situation that my husband has the traits of someone with Avoidant personality Disorder as well as Post Traumatic Stress,maybe some pathological lying in there too.

I feel like everything that I was sure of has been taken away.The best advice I can give you is to keep focusing on your kids. In my situation my little boy has kept me alive. I try my best to focus on him, even if it's through tears. I also pray which helps me as well as exercising when I can, something the kids can do with you.Be strong & put your kids & yourself first. They need you more than anything x

Hi TG1049 and Romana,

welcome to beyond blue.

Your stories made me sad when I read them, and yet you are right to describe it as an addiction. Whatever was/is the cause can only be worked out through communication, if you want that. And then if you have had that conversation, you won't really know whether they have stopped or not and somehow that trust needs to be rebuilt. If you do a google search for...

partner porn addiction

there are many useful links, and you will also find posts on the beyond blue forums as well. I hope you are both well and if you want to chat some more, just post and I will see your replies.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you both,

Tim

Hi I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, for a long time my husband has been doing the same thing too, it's horrible to have our trust betrayed, just want to let you know you are not alone and there are people you can talk to.

Over 10 years I have watched my relationship deteriote due to my husband's porn addiction. I know I'm young and beautiful it's just sad to know that the one person I want to be desired by has the least interest in me. But it's life, I can't control him. I have confronted him, I am not a forceful person, I have spoken to him about it many times, but he chooses to defend it so I've given up. We now have no sex at all, no intimacy, no kissing barely any I love you or touching. Before i was pregnant he would have sex with me once a month which felt like it was pity sex because he could never ever finish the deed and chucked me off unsatisfied. I have tried the whole switch it up thing. I have chosen to not approach him for sex or be intimate anymore due to the many rejections. Anyway, I just had my son born a few weeks ago and my pregnancy was what empowered me to be a happier woman i think its also teaching him a lesson about taking things for granted now that my body is not the same. What helped heaps was i learnt to emotionally shut my husband off until he figures himself out, until then I'm closed for business not that he wants it anyway. I have come to learn that he is starting to realise the pain tho because when people joke about me not giving him sex or the Dr asking about contraception I just shrug it off and say we have no issues.. it makes it extremely awkward for him. He is also starting to say he misses me, so I think he is slowly learning that intimacy is very important in a relationship. It is something he has to come to terms with by himself, until then we have a choice, stay and wait it out or leave. Just remember to love yourself and that you have a right to feel the way you do. Other things that have helped me is also concentrate on positive aspects of your relationship which is the communication keep it open with him. Hope you find a light oxoxo

Hi, I've just come across this post. My heart breaks for all of us. I'm over 3 years post figuring out my husband's porn addiction. I figured it out researching why he didn't want me, became verbally & emotionally abusive etc. He apparently stopped cold turkey in April 2017 but has never done any recovery work of his own & is disinterested in learning about the severe effects his porn use has on me. I don't think he has viewed porn for at least 2 years but he replaced it with viewing endless videos on Facebook & refuses to understand why that's unhealthy & why it triggers me big time. His favourite tv shows are any that are guaranteed to have at least 1 hot woman in it per episode.
He can't see how his emotional abandonment & abuse could possibly cause PTSD & despite acknowledging that he has "hurt me" badly, he's in denial about the extent of it & blames me & gets furious at any of my PTSD symptoms. Every time I flood , he thinks we're fighting & threatens to leave, EVERY TIME.
Early on, he did show some empathy & guilt but now it's all about how hard it is for him to deal with me, how much pressure is on him because I can't work & all about his shame ( I don't shame him) & if he s such a bad person why stay with him, all poor him.
I'm so hopeless & losing all hope quickly. Australia is so backwards with this topic. There is no much help for partners & none in Perth. I also would love to have a cuppa with others like me. I believe that face to face support of someone who "truly" gets it would be invaluable.
After 3 years of getting re-traumatized by 2 terrible counsellors & constant invalidation im losing hope.
This overwhelming sadness scares me. It's relentless.
I'm so scared. I don't want to die but I don't want to be here anymore either

Welcome Indespair, to the forum.

I am sorry you feel in so much pain and you are filled with sadness and despair.

There is help available if you search google using the words partner porn addiction.

Some people have written that Porn addiction is not about [the non-addicted partner's] worth or value, it is not even about sex; instead, porn addiction is about soothing pain.

Try not to let your partner's addiction control your life or fill your thoughts.

Have plans and stay healthy.. .

As celia wrote

"Just remember to love yourself and that you have a right to feel the way you do. Other things that have helped me is also concentrate on positive aspects of your relationship which is the communication keep it open with him. Hope you find a light"

InDespair, as this is an old thread and the last person before you posted 9 mths ago, you may want to start your own thread so more people can see it and respond with support. You could cut and paste this post into your new thread. You are welcome to post here as much as you like. If you start your own thread I will look out for it.

Thanks for your honesty.

Quirky

Quirky wrote;

« Some people have written that Porn addiction is not about [the non-addicted partner's] worth or value, it is not even about sex; instead, porn addiction is about soothing pain. »

Married for 36 years, I first discovered my husband’s porn secret about 12 yrs into our marriage.

The signs were there for sometime, but I hadn’t known how to read them.

We had tearful confessions when ultimately there was no corner for him to hide in. So much angry denial. We were both drained.

But it didn’t stop there...through the years it grew to dating sites, messaging... and physical hook ups.

Each ‘discovery’ killed me a little.

Whilst all this played out behind closed doors - outwardly we lived the popular ´golden’couple Life. I ran a successful business, we had great friends, our life was sweet.

I was driven to keep my world intact - I’d had a traumatic experience as a teenager that left me desperate for normality, for stability and security. An only child of parents who both died before I was 40 yrs old, living on the other side of the world far from my childhood roots, I clung onto this life I’d worked so hard to ‘create’.

I stayed because our life was good and I ever hoped he meant it when he utterly broke down and begged for another chance.

All this led me to a couple of intense breakdowns, PTSD...loss of confidence and self esteem. I recovered, sort of.

If I could go back to young me, I’d try to coax her to leave and start afresh.

But young me would have had to have been healed from the childhood trauma before having the strength to say « I’m worth more than this »

My husband is a good man in respects of hard work, general decency and honesty dealing with people ( it’s true!) - but his own pain took him into to dark places.

He once said, in a state of absolute emotional agony -“ I just need a new clean head “ - as the images never quite go away.

Back to Quirky’s words - Porn addiction is a demon that my husband hates about himself, but has used in the saddest and most wretched way.

He finally got professional help. I live in slightly numbed hope. I push it all away as best I can.

We both survive. If you met us, you’d have no idea this horror is interwoven into our marriage..

I shake my head sometimes at the madness of my life.

The truth, nothing is black and white.

My husband is definitely not a bad person, but damaged. I stayed, but it thoroughly damaged me as a woman.

I want to reach out and hug you dear women who posted in this thread.

X

Hi Im back once again. My last post was in 2019, and I have found a few things that he has watched, but the one thing that has really upset me is last month I was really sick and had to go to hospital for the day and he did it again. I was really angry and it has really affected me this time. I feel as though that he really has no feelings at all, even though he says he loves me I dont believe him.

Dear Spilman~

Welcome back, I wish it was under better circumstances and hope the condition for which you were hospitalized is now well recovered.

I think you have already discussed the matter of all addictions, the lies and betrayals they make, and the possibility of his getting professional help -or perhaps your getting counseling as well on how best to handle the matter.

Was this in fact tried or were you inclined to believe his latest promise? It would have been understandable as you viewed him in a certain close way for over 50 years. I would imagine by now you would realise that such promises about porn are not likely to be kept in the long run.

So I guess it comes down to your feelings in the future, Find some way he undergoes therapy -and means it, otherwise I would think your choices are to let him stay, and have an uneasy partnership, with you constantly worried about the matter and lack of love in this matter (counseling for you might help there) , or else ask him to leave, and continue your life on your own.

I'm sorry to be blunt but cannot see other options,

Living on your own after such a long time may well be very hard, both financially and emotionally but at least would not leave you open to further betrayals.

As you can see from this thread each person has their own answer, and none of them are happy decisions.

May I ask what your feelings are about the future?

Croix

Dear Despair, you are not alone in this matter. I have been going through it for 4 years now. At one stage he stopped for 19 months, then I had to spend a day in hospital, I rang him a couple of times and he didnt answer,and as usual with a husband like that you get suspicious so I search and found more porn, my god did that make my stomach hit the ground, I dont think I will ever get over that. Enough about me, yes I to wish that there was somewhere you could tlk to other women face to face. I know we are not the only women that it happens too, but some times it feels like it. Good luck and hope you are feeling better.

Thankyou for your advice, but I think that at my age it would be very hard to live on my own. Thankyou yes I am better now and I have sort of accepted that there is no feelings there for me anymore but it hurts as I still have feelings for him, dont know if it is love but I worry about him, silly I know with all that he has done over the years but there you go. I am glad that I have joined this forum, the information you give is very helpful thankyou.