Husband wants kids but I am hesitant because I had bad childhood.

[Hikarue]

Hi,

Me and my husband of 5 years marriage had been talking about having kids and every time we talk about it it, we ended up stressed and sad because he often said I am too negative for afraid of having kids.

I came from an emotionally unavailable parents who often criticized me, calling me useless, good for nothing etc since I learned to understand words. I was physical abused by my parents too. I was also bullied at school and hardly have friends. I had low self esteem as a child and teenager, hated my self and at one point, wanted to commit suicide. I grew up watching my mum and dad yelling at each other almost every night and sometimes, it becomes physical abusive.

Overtime, I had managed to overcome my childhood trauma and it don't haunt me or affect me much anymore. When I was younger, I always thought I will be a mother to prove my parents that I can a better parent and because I thought that is the only pathway in life. However, after marriage and reality kicks in and my biological clock is ticking, I grew fearful on parenting due to several reasons. First, my husband and I have no support from relatives because our parents and siblings are overseas (I don't even know anyone who have kids without any family support). Secondly, I am too afraid to lose my time & freedom, since I feel that I didn't have a good childhood, I naturally want to pursue my happiness in traveling, spending time with my hobbies and passion and not be burden by finance since we are not even earning average Melbournian wage. Thirdly, I don't have much confident that my husband can handle to stress, responsibility and work that comes with the kid maturely. Just a few years ago, he had serious mental health issues of self inflicting pain, suicidal thoughts, threaten me to suicide which I slowly managed to convince him to see psychologist to get treated and then did all my online research to support him. He seems ok now, but every now and then, when we have argument, he could say mean things to me, such as threats of divorce which he don't mean it because he is just throwing tantrum. Finally, went I see babies, I don't get that feeling that they are the cutest thing and I don't really enjoying carrying them.

However, my only reason if I have a child is so that I can nurture him /her the knowledge in life and influence them positively.

Should I still try my best to change to have kids for him? It is worth it?

[Croix]

Dear Hikarue~

You have ten or so other posts in the Forum going back a number of years. They show a wise and strong person with insight into her own partnership and herself as well as others. I particularly thought about your response to the pill side effects and the way you did not give up, but took a personal and sensitive approach with which, if I understand it correctly, your husband cooperated.

I can't say either way what you should do, I can say all the conventional things about the love a child can engender (though I guess you might not relate too well to that ) or the rewards of parenthood, however there are very real downsides too, finances, family support, stress and so on.

In order for children to have the best upbringing they need to be in a stable loving environment, and if it is in a marriage or partnership then both people need to be equally committed and loving - long term.

I do get the feeling your partner is sometimes someone you have to treat almost as a child, while you were dealing with the pill problem it was you the steered the course - not him. Some of his earlier remarks reflect his concern with himself -saying derogatory things about you and HIS bad luck, not yours, or a mutual bad luck. Now he has a childish and hurtful way of expressing himself in an argument.

So leaving everything else to one side may I ask a blunt question? How many children do you want to support?

Yes, maybe I'm misunderstanding or being unkind. So all I can say is you have to really want children yourself and have the internal strenght to see them thought to adulthood no matter what.

I've said a fair bit - what do you think?

Croix

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Hikarue,

Sorry, I don’t know if you’re still reading as I know I’m a little late to this thread. I wish that I had seen it earlier but only clicked on it this morning....

I really feel for you and, to a large extent, I understand where you’re coming from. I personally don’t want children myself and realise that the decision to have/not have children can be a very complex, nuanced one.

As an aside, I think, both culturally and socially, we are often fed this highly romanticised version of parenthood rather than a more realistic depiction. Ultimately, of course no one here can tell you what to do, and certainly not me of course...

But I do wonder if it might help to really gauge your own overall emotional, physical and financial health as well as that of your partner’s before deciding your next step. To gauge your willingness and/or readiness, so to speak...I see you’ve already started doing this though...

Perhaps, you might also consider a very honest conversation about all your feelings (both good and bad) about possible parenthood with your partner. I know that won’t be an easy conversation (and I’m not sure if your partner will necessarily stay calm/even tempered during such a conversation) but I feel it’s important to discuss it as a team...

Sorry, I understand that those are just my opinions as a stranger. I realise that I’m not in your shoes. So my understanding is incomplete, and ultimately you’ll have an infinitely better understanding of what you’re going through than me. Nevertheless, I still wanted to offer my thoughts. I hope that’s okay with you...

Thinking of you with kindness and care,

Pepper