PTSD and personal relationships

[golam]

Six months ago I meet a wonderful lady ,she being near my age . I am 70 years old. We dated a number of times and as we got to know each other we slowly fell in love with each other . I must confess I'd never felt this intensity before , and realized she was my " soul mate ' as I was to her. Let me say that my previous successes in relationships were not great. Often a see saw affair over a number of years. I did have an awareness that my troubled relationship with my very damaged mother(she was a holocaust survivor) was the contributing factor and had over the years tried various therapies but with little success. I accepted that's the way things were and most likely not a lot would change. Until my current relationship. I had gone into the relationship thinking that my love for this woman would perhaps overcome the painful memories and feelings relating to my family upbringing. This was not to be . Shortly after becoming intimate I had a complete breakdown (not hospitalized) and managed to pull myself from the brink with counselling, exercise ,yoga. I am still quite fragile and coping quite variably day to day. I have good coping skills having lived with anxiety y and depression for decades through membership of a number of helpful groups. What I discovered but had not clearly acknowledged that all along from the time of being a young adult was that I have been suffering from PTSD -due to the at times frightening behavior of my mother. So I am still in contact with this wonderful woman who has been incredibly understanding and we are keen to continue our relationship. But I know that these very powerful negative forces will undermine any meaningful connection eventually. I am seriously looking into effective therapies such as EMDR or any other. I would like some feedback on possible PSTD therapy strategies . The past 2 weeks have been hideous.

[JessF]

Hello golam, welcome here. What a profound six months it has been for you! Not only to find such an amazing and unique love for the first time in your love, but also realising that the struggles you've had in previous relationships in your life is perhaps because of unresolved issues with your mother. While love may not have erased your past, it has served to make you aware of what you might need to do next, no matter how awful you're currently feeling. I read a lot of strength in your post from your years of coping, but hear that the last couple of weeks have been particularly bad for you. Despite all that you're still actively looking for next steps, and willing to try new things.

Your reference to PTSD got me thinking, particularly in relation to your mother. Have you heard of something called complex trauma? If you do a search for "judith herman complex ptsd" you will bring up some articles. Judith Herman has talked about complex trauma being different from PTSD, as PTSD usually relates to a single traumatic event whereas the complex version relates more to issues experienced over a long period through a troubled relationship. The effects for both are immense, of course, but very different and you might get different ideas and insights for things to try if this idea of complex trauma resonates with you more. I'll be very interested to hear your thoughts on this and more on how things are going for you when you're ready.

[PamelaR]

Hi Golam and warm welcome to our community

It's great Jess has also welcomed you and introduced you to Complex PTSD. It sounds like you have really had a challenging life, though seem to have come through it. Good on you. It takes courage to come here and share your story and to seek help. You are doing really well and I wish the best in the relationship you are seeking.

I have PTSD and Complex PTSD, though tend to talk about it only as PTSD. For me the symptoms, treatments, recovery and healing are similar. It's just the causes that are different. I'm in my 60s and it has been only in the past 10 years that I started to recover and to heal. It's taken awhile - I found it impossible to erase, or heal the hurt that was caused through years and years of abuse overnight, or months. Heal I have, though the triggers are still there.

Through years of counselling and therapy, I have learnt to identify by triggers, what to do when the triggers happen, and to change the way I think about the triggers, the emotions, and the feelings. Sometimes, identifying the triggers is not easy, but as I learn about each one, it helps for the next trigger.

39 years ago I met my soul mate. Things were pretty tough throughout the years and I think not having children helped us both (he also has PTSD, anxiety and depression). We were able to focus on our relationship as we both recognised the love we had and neither of us wanted our behaviours, emotions or our feelings to get in the way.

It's been a rocky road, but we've got there. We've both been to our psychologists over the years who've been a great help. One of the major things we've learnt is - communication. Talking to each other about how we are feeling - even if it's feelings that have sprung from past abuses. For us it's been good. Not sure how others will fare with such openness. You'll find others here on the forum will give you their experiences. They may be completely different to ours.

Letting go of the past is also the challenge. It is painful and can be confronting. But for me, it's been extremely liberating and giving me the freedom to be 'ME' and not someone living in the shadows of a person who suffered significantly themselves.

Have you thoughts of ways of how you can let go of your past? Happy to talk if you want to - but no pressure if you don't want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR