How to tell my.mum about a trauma in my childhood without breaking her?

[TornTabby]

Hi I'm TT,

Straight to the point - for 10 years of my childhood until I turned 17, I grew up in a hostile and abusive household. My stepfather was terrible to us all, but quite predominately my mother was his prime victim.

2 events happened during this time that haunt my mind - even as an adult and just shy of 5 years later. On 2 seperate occasions I was abused by my stepfather, and at the time I told my mother about 1 of them and she dismissed my statement. Years later the events still trouble me and my mothers dismissal. Now that she is also in a better place mentally and no longer facing this man and not facing fear, I want to be able to be open and tell her what happened.

Yet I worry that she either; a) wont believe me, b) that I will convince myself I made it up, c) she will completely shut down or d) she will explode on me. Any one of those things could happen (or others), and I dont know how to tell her. I havent told anyone about what happened, yet I figured I wanted to tell my mum.

How do I tackled telling her something that will break her heart? She already blames herself for the physical abuse that she and us kids endured, so how do I approach this without meeting the same outcome? I want to be open to her, but dont know how.

Please help me here,

TT

[Zeal]

Hi TT,

It saddens me to read that you experienced such cruel treatment and abuse. I am so glad that you and your Mum no longer have to endure this man's abuse. In terms of telling your Mum, I feel that the most important thing is the language you use to communicate your message to her. I had a search and found this great site with tips on blame-free communication: http://www.therapyinphiladelphia.com/tips/examples-of-blame-free-communication However, your Mum may feel guilt and responsibility regardless of how you approach the conversation. You were a child when you were subjected to the trauma, and she as an adult wasn't able to prevent it, so this would probably be difficult for her to deal with emotionally.

If you don't mind me asking, have either you or your Mum sought professional help to deal with the past trauma, either from a doctor (GP) or mental health professional? Talking about what you went through is important in dealing with the psychological trauma. Going to your GP first is a good start.

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Croix]

Dear TT~

This is a minefield. There is no text-book answer. Later on perhaps I'll give you some thoughts - such as they are - what you can do with them I don't know, but more importantly first:

I do know that your personally might need to seek professional help about your own state - have you done that as yet? Zeal gives good advice about you and your GP - same for your mum.

Otherwise perhaps either http://www.blueknot.org.au/Helpline or our own bb 24/7 helpline might be places to start.

They may be able to give you the advice you seek, and help for your own trauma too. Such experiences do not vanish over time.

Once you have those matters out the way and if still stuck come back and we will help further.

Please let us know how you go

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi TT,

Your post really struck a chord with me. I kind of burst into tears by the time I finished reading your post and wanted to reach across the screen to give you a hug. I'm rarely overcome with that extent of emotion when reading posts.

I don't have any advice or know how to help you. I have my own past that my parents don't want to talk about so I genuinely don't know how to advise you to broach the topic.

Though in their defence, mum was willing to pay for therapy after my suicide attempt. Any (extremely rare) attempt by me to broach the topic of my childhood with my mum was generally met with something like "I can't/don't know how to deal with this. Talk to (name of psychologist) about this." The subtext that I read was "that's why I pay for you to see her" even though she never said it quite like that.

I just wanted to say if you end up talking to your mum, I hope she believes, hugs and supports you. Her previous dismissal must have stung immensely.

The abuse was not your fault either. The fault was and is with the perpetrator- your stepfather. It's always the perpetrator.

If you talk and things don't go well with your mum, just know that it's not a reflection on you. It says something about her own demons and state of mind rather than you.

I wish you the very best with this. Okay, I'm wiped and I'm going to log off. I hope we hear from you again.

Dottie x