My name is Jeff, I witnessed someone suicide while I was at work

[WarPigs]

My name is Jeff, I witnessed a guy suicide in a children's playground while I was working there, I'm not sure how much detail to provide in my introduction, but here goes, myself and two workmates witnessed this and kept children and parents from entering the playground before and after the event, this happened three months ago, I have been seeing a counselor since then gaining many strategies, this forum was one suggestion, please, I would appreciate any suggestions to help me become myself again, I, unfortunately have a dislike for the victim, because of what he has subjected me and my workmates to, but also what he could have subjected children and parents too, I am usually a very compassionate and empathetic person and realize this person had many issues, but, for him to do this to us and potentially children , in a children's playground, is doing my head in! I am having nightmares nearly every night, a feeling of detachment in group situations, not feeling my self, unhappy, weird,strange, I have downloaded some meditation apps, I am not on medication, I just want some strategies please to become normal again, I know it will take time, but I want to do everything I can to help my healing process , thank you !

[TheSteve]

Hi WP,

I'm very sorry to hear what you had to witness. That is not what any of us would choose to experience, unfortunately it sounds like you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Most certainly lean on the resources on this site. Call the BB Helpline if needed, and keep seeing your therapist/psychologist. Remain with this programme until the thoughts and feelings lose their grip over you.

You may also work on accepting this in full. You did not choose to see it, you had no choice in the matter. This person was on this path, whether or not you liked him it makes no difference. His demons caught up with him and the ending is tragic. THere is effectively nothing you could have done for him nor could you have done anything to avoid the situation. Your paths led to this point. Learning to accept what happened as not your choice nor your fault will go a ways to healing your mind.

Please come back and talk it through with us, all the best WP.

Steve

[pipsy]

Hi WarPigs. I'm so sorry you saw this unfortunate tragedy happen. Can I ask if you're dislike of this person is because of his actions that day or was there other problems? Trying to come to terms with someone suiciding is almost impossible because the death itself is something totally unexpected. Obviously he (the victim) had reached the end of his tether and suiciding was, to him, all he had left to stop his emotional pain. He possibly was completely unaware of his surroundings or that anyone saw him. The feeling of 'detachment' you mention is your emotions shutting down what is too hard to fully comprehend. When something traumatic happens our minds seem to switch to 'auto-pilot' so we can function. You possibly are experiencing 'delayed shock reactions' which is understandable. It might be an idea to see your Dr and have a talk with him about how detached you're feeling. The anger you feel is possibly mixed in with guilt over the children witnessing this tragedy. These emotions are a normal part of witnessing any sort of tragic accident. Knowing you couldn't prevent it, you had no way of protecting the children. None of it is your fault. Perhaps discussing it with a grief counselor might help you let go of your anger. We're here for you too.

Lynda

[MindfulStep]

Hi Steve,

I work in a unit where we deal with suicide and the cops there also expressed anger at people who suicide as it is the police that need to pick up the pieces - your anger is normal and natural, be compassionate to your anger and accept it and it will become lighter and make room for other perspectives.

You empathy has to go to yourself and your other workmate and the children - it was good you kept them out of the playground and it sounded like you acted fast and did the right thing and made a dreadful situation better.

Look after yourself now - and please do not be angry at your emotions - accept them as normal process - It is called Radical Acceptance. I am really sorry you witnessed this.

[pipsy]

Hi MindfulStep. In my job we take the elderly and disabled shopping, Dr's appointments etc. We occasionally have had to deal with unexpected death. In 2 separate incidences, it turned out to be suicide. The police were summoned, in both cases they were extremely understanding, there was no anger at all. They had to attend de-briefing counseling, but in both cases they were quite sad as having to tell next-of-kin in something no-one likes, but they were extremely compassionate and caring. I think they may feel a bit of 'why didn't the person summon help' but there was no anger displayed at all. Anger at someone suiciding doesn't do anything to help either those left or whoever finds the deceased. I think the anger side is more because suicide is considered by some as an act of weakness and gutlessness. When someone attempts or succeeds, that person has reached the end of their pain and can see no other way of stopping the intensity of the pain. Depression pain is a pain like no other. War Pigs anger was more because the kids in his care witnessed something no-one should ever see.

Lynda

[Kazzl]

Hi Jeff, I'm so sorry to hear of your traumatic experience. I completely agree with what Steve said about continuing to see your counsellor, and talking here and to others, including our helpline on 1300 22 4636.

I understand your anger and I think it's a normal reaction in such a situation, as is your detachment. You have experienced trauma, and these emotions are natural responses. I'm very impressed that you reached out for help because many people don't after experiencing trauma - for various reasons, but often because in talking about what happened you have to relive it.

It easier not to talk, to detach, but that can lead to the trauma being unresolved, and unresolved trauma can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder which can plague you for a very long time.

When someone suicides, we can be left awash with painful questions - did we do the right thing, could we have prevented it, could we have responded better. The thing is though, those questions go nowhere useful and dwelling on them won't undo anything.

The important thing for you now is to focus on you - your present and future. Resolving the trauma is critical at this stage, so please do talk regularly with your counsellor and seek any other one-to-one help you need. It might be a painful process, but ultimately one that can bring you out the other side so this event doesn't colour your life.

Very best wishes to you and I hope you'll continue to post.

Kaz

[White_Rose]

Dear Jeff

Hello and a warm welcome to Beyond Blue.You experienced a tragic and traumatic event and I am so sorry you were in this position. You know the healing process will take time and this is a big step forward. Acknowledging your pain and working towards healing are also big steps forward. Being able to understand the process will not happen overnight means you are on the right road. Many people try hard to bury their hurts and often succeed for a while, but it invariably pops up. Let me congratulate you on these very important foundational steps back to your normal life, and getting counselling.

I also congratulate you and your workmates for your prompt actions. How dreadful it would have been had any children witnessed such a shattering event. Please hold on to these positives and accept that you played a remarkable part in that tragedy. I know I am going on about this but it is part of the healing to know, inside yourself, you were able to help others.

When someone is in such pain they rarely think of others, the pain shuts out all rational and compassionate thoughts. I doubt the man chose that playgroup deliberately. The husband of a friend of mine took his own life. His wife was so angry and despised him. And her anger was normal. One day she talked with me about it and I suggested he probably thought he was doing her a favour by getting out of her life because he was such a loser and in such dreadful pain. That's what depression does to us. My friend had not been able to see it like that before and although she was still hurt I think she started to forgive him.

Try to remind yourself and accept the man was not thinking at all, simply trying to get rid of the hurt. I don't excuse him or his actions but I can see how it happened. We need more education so that people with a mental illness are not afraid to ask for help before they lose all perspective.

Talking here on BB may be a great help for you. People who write in here are looking for answers and reading threads on any of the forums may help you see how others struggle with their particular demons. You can also reply to some of these if you feel strong enough. Many people have found it therapeutic to try and help others. I know this true for me. I have been struggling for a few months but gradually get back to my usual life.

Please continue to write in and tell/ask us anything you want. This is a safe place and we care about you very much.

Mary

[LJ187]

Hi Jeff

First off I'd like to commend you on keeping cool in a traumatic situation. You did a good job and kept those around you safe.

I too witnessed a suicide at a school I was working at, however I was unfortunate at keeping 4 young children safe from seeing it. I was able to redirect many other people (adults and children), however I always feel for the little ones.

As where I was living had many fly in fly out doctors every time I went to seek help, I was confronted with retelling my story over and over. I would have to say that talking through it is the best advice I can offer. I am one who was very against medication at first as I have some other heath concerns, however you get to a point, a self realization, that sometimes you need it and that's ok. I was having that severe of nightmares even my psychiatrist was a little worried. Since taking the medication I have had no nightmares at all which is fantastic.

As for the detachment and feeling a bit weird/blah all the time. Feeling like you need to do something but don't know what to do, if you find a cure for this then please tell me! I too have these feelings of not sure with things.

Hope everything is looking up for you and remember to hang in there. You can only do so much in a day and only ever do as much as you can. Think about how far you've come and how much you've grown.

LJ

[beestrong]

Hi I'm new and very happy to be here if i can help. I hope i can so here goes. Your post really touched me especially with your frankness. I can understand your anger but i also think it might be your biggest problem with overcoming this tragedy and gaining closure. Just a suggestion but could it help if you contacted the family through mediation and found out a gravesite. Take some flowers, pay your respects, and say goodbye..Its amazing what actions like this can have on your emotions. Good luck and thank you Jeff for being so brave xx

[beestrong]

Also continue to see your counsellor and a doctor too. There are medications you can take to stop you from dreaming at all. That way you can wake up thinking about your life and your day ahead.