How to talk to older parents about your mental health?

[Speechless]

Its very hard for me to talk about my mental health to my mum. Not because of me feeling shy but because she doesn’t understand it and doesnt want to, even briefly.

Its incredibly hard for me, ive been put in situations of trauma and grief and compounding depression as well as social phobia all my life, recently been in acute distress and having whole days and nights of crying and not being able to function at all.

Because i love with my parents, i like to get some validation and support from my mum, to let her know whats going on for me but i cant even get any understanding or any emotional support because of her hearing disability and limited patience with a sentence or certain words, she comes off as extremely rude to me and gets annoyed at me, doesnt want to know and treats mental illness like something negative and like im selfish to talk about me and my problems. She will make it worse and say certain things that can be quite nasty and old fashioned, makig me seem like im the problem. When all i wanted was a bit of comfort. I come off feeling so much worse than before and it can make the day a crying one again. But when your so desperate for comfort and support and all this stuff everywhere about talking to someone about your issues, I cant get any comfort at home and my only friend is a paranoid schizophrenic who has a meth addiction and in cycles of functioning, non functioning and paranoia, aggression, preoccupation, delusions of grandeur etc. 

My therapist is on holidays so its extremely hard.

[Johnny_]

Hi Speechless..welcome to the forums.

I hope just being part of this community helps you as I know it has helped me. Sometimes reading others stories that are similar to our own relaxes us as we don’t feel so alone in the situation. 

I hear you. I’m sorry to hear about what your going through. I’m happy to read that you do have a therapist as they help a lot. When I read your story I thought this might help you as it helps me.

My therapist said this and it took a bit to sink in. We can’t control what others say or do, as they themselves could be dealing with trauma that they don’t want to deal with which makes it more difficult to have the relationship that we often want with them. Make sense. This is my situation. So, I was told to accept that’s how it is for now. That was the first hurdle. Secondly, create the relationship you want by writing to them in a diary. You don’t give that to them but you get to say what you really need to say. This worked for me and since doing this, my relationship with my parents are much better. I also wrote to my younger self too…this helps build me up more. I am new to this method but it’s been great.

I hope this helps and Take care. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Speechless

Welcome & thank you for reaching out to us here at the forum.

I'm sorry you are not getting the support & understanding you need from your parents, especially your Mum. This must be very painful for you as you struggle to manage your mental health conditions & recover from trauma. It would be so very helpful if you could have your Mum recognise & give you the care you need.

Having a hearing impairment does make communications qujite difficult, especially in noisy environments like when the tele is on or music is playing or when even one other person is talking in the room. I'm experiencing hearing loss myself, & am now realising how much it impacts my ability to hear & really listen & feel sure I've heard every word or if I've misunderstood what was said. It gets very frustrating & makes me feel irritable having to try every moment I'm with people, whether I have to respond or simply take in what I'm hearing. I feel it must get annoying if I have ask people to repeat themselves a lot.

One thing an audiologist explained to me, which could help you, is to remember, when talking to your Mum, to be sure you both are facing each other. At a subconscious level people take in more of what is said when they can see the speaker's face, see their mouth move & facial expressions.

I understand the times when the therapist is away are often difficult times. His being away is somewhat easier, having experienced the holiday times, breaks, those times he's had to reschedule my sessions, many times over the years. I am aware of my anxiety, why I feel this way & the basic fact that I can & do not feel as helpless & unable to support myself as I feared. These times have helped me learn I can indeed, stand on my own two feet. These times don't have to break me - instead, they make me stronger. If you can look at the holiday times as a kind of challenge, to test how strong you are, I'm sure you will be impressed with yourself.

& it won't be too long before your therapist, & my psychiatrist, are back at work again.

Reading your post, am I correct, that you are young, like under 25 years old? If so, you could have a look into the section here, People like me' & find the 'young people' area, where you will find other young people having similar difficulties with finding support they need.

Also, you can phone Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800.

Or BB's own counsellors on 1300 224 636

Or continue to talk on these forums.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi Speechless

There can be so many different reasons for why compassionate and supportive listening can seem impossible for some parents. Of course, a hearing impairment would be one of those things yet those who 'listen' with their eyes (through sign language) have that one covered to some degree. Considering tone of voice plays a big part when it comes to expressing the true extent of our sufferance, how we feel can perhaps get lost in translation, unless someone is a master at reading body language and facial expression, in order to gain the overall tone of the conversation. Other reasons can include inherited intolerance, dismissiveness and things like that. From their parents, they may have been taught 'No excuses, you just have to get on with things no matter how you feel'. So that one becomes about working to let go of that believe. Another can involve not being able to feel, for a number of reasons, such as with some who are on the autism spectrum, some who can't tolerate feeling too much of what's uncomfortable (often shutting conversations down, so they don't have to feel), some who were taught or who learned to emotionally detach etc). As the list goes on, there are just so many different reasons.

I'd have to say my kids led me to fine tune my ability to feel, especially my daughter. While my 18yo son is more so someone who internalises and needs some prompting in self expression, my 21yo daughter has always been a 'tell it how it is' kinda person. Even as a little kid, if I was not listening to her, she'd state 'You're not listening to me!'. If I wasn't attentive enough toward her feelings, she'd state 'You don't care about how I feel!'. If she felt ripped off, I'd get 'That's not fair! Give me a good reason why I can't do that' or 'Give me a reason why I should have to manage something that's not my responsibility'. While her list of statements and questioning has been extensive over the years, she'd always pushed me to 'wake up' and finally one day I did. I wasn't a good listener at times. She was right. I wasn't caring enough at times and I was far from reasonable at times, not able when it came to providing good and fair reasons. She was right. I was guilty of inheriting the statement most kids hate to hear, 'Don't question me, just do as you're told', which can feel dismissive and disrespectful. Very challenging children can be great teachers, that's for sure. I don't think I would have woken up to the need to question myself, as a parent and as a person in general, if it wasn't for my daughter. I think parents can write their kids off as being 'Cheeky' or 'Rude' or 'Disrespectful' when it comes to their way of questioning and challenging their parents to wake up.

Do you think asking your mum the tough questions might wake your mum up to the need to be a more attentive and compassionate listener? Maybe those questions might sound a little like 'Why do you refuse to feel for me?' or 'Why will you not help me feel my way through certain challenges?' or 'Why can you not feel how depressing or anxiety inducing some of my challenges are for me? Why can you not feel that? Why do you refuse to feel that?'. One to definitely trigger a mother's consciousness would be 'Why do you leave me to feel alone in my feelings when I need you to be there with me, guiding me through them, helping me make better sense of them?'. Some parents don't see themselves as emotional guides until their kids wake them up to that role.       ❤️