I feel saddened by the lack of concern and support by my family

[Lick]

Hi

i have recently finished my second  group of psychology sessions over a period of 3 years for PTSD , depression and anxiety .

my problems are associated with childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence which has been a result my past .

Im 58’yrs old and I just think my family show no concern for what Im going through and always say that’s in the past , obviously i know that but you have these reoccurring thoughts , negative remarks from family members which often get me annoyed .My understanding was that your initial point of support should be at home and with family but I have found that not to be true .

ive been there for members of my family through their bad times , helping with drug addicted family members , carer for my disabled sister ( disabled as result of domestic violence )., my Dads drinking problems , helped my sister look after her grandson but when I’m at rock bottom and wanted to commit suicide I have no understanding , support from any of them .Apparently I deceived my Dad re my sexual abuse but I have 3 sisters that also were but I was effected worse and abuse more severe .

my Dad only feels sorry for one of my sisters and he thought him and I were good .

i try to get through my days but will not at any time but up with my family throwing negative remarks in my face when I’m struggling and then I defend myself by giving my opinion back to get cut off and things thrown back at me .

ive found it hard to get through my days but find myself not wanting to have any connection with family especially as I said when I’ve helped on numerous occasions and then feeling no one is there for me .

os it right how I feel?

your opinion if you have gone through the same will be appreciated 

[smallwolf]

Hello.

I hope you don't mind if I just respond to the point about support from the family.

Yes I would agree with your statement. Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with that thought. Some people may be self-centered and/or don't want to know. No matter how hard you might want their support, it just won't happen. I speak from experience here. 😞

I also feel there can be an element of guilt as well... so to ignore the problem means you don't have to face it or talk about it. Just my rambling thoughts!

When things then get thrown back at you ... that really sucks and is wrong. IMO.

With everything you have said, I can imagine you not wanting any connections with your family. How you navigate this is only something you can answer.  Can you be in the same space as them?

For example, can you say something like (perhaps not out loud)

"I love you but the way you behave  .... is really [insert-word-here]"

If you cannot get support from the family ... where can you get support from? where is your tribe where you fell you belong?

Listening.

[Chooky123]

Yes it is right how u feel. Your family should be there to support u but I do find a lot of people don’t understand ptsd and mental health conditions. I feel they think just think positve and u will be ok but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I have worked out that it is better for me to reach out to people online about my ptsd as I feel more supported and I think family can’t always support us the way we want and it causes too much pain wanting them to support me during difficult times with my mental health as I just won’t get the support as they don’t understand or don’t want to understand. There are groups on Facebook for ptsd and reading those help alot maybe by joining some online groups may help. And maybe don’t help them in difficult times as much if they aren’t there for you during hard times as it isn’t a one way street and if you are supportive during hard times and they aren’t then why should u out yourself out all the time for them. Find your people who will be there for you even if it is online. I hope you find some support as it can be a very lonely place to be with no support. 

[Lick]

I’m really sorry I didn’t reply but with me it is a case of only just finding where the replies to my post were .

i thank you for your reply you gave although it was a long  long time ago , sorry 

[Lick]

Sorry it has been a long time since you replied to my post but I just am not good with technology and thought my post was all lost , not answered .

thank you for you advice , it’s appreciated 

[smallwolf]

hello there... It's OK if you are still trying to work out the system. How are you going at the moment?

[mmMekitty]

Hello Lick

I'm sorry I didn't see your original post from Dec 2022.

I had realised that my family were not people I could go to for support from when I was a child. Events in my teenage years only cemented my opinion.

Even now, many years later, & I'm trying to reconnect & rebuild a relationhsip with my sis. it's not going so well.

So, I've had to try to trust other people, & I don't trust people easily at all. Even my psychiatrist - with the first one I saw it was two years before I began to trust him. With the psychiatrist I have now, it's somewhat easier, but I am very aware that I hold a lot back.

It has helped to be able to have the kind of therapeutic relationship I have with him. He has been very careful to explain & talk about boundaries with me, which I find reassuring.

I don't think talking will ever be easy, nor asking for support, or help - needing something from others is very difficult for me. Slowly it has gotten better, but still, not easy.

I rely on him, though, because I haven't been able to rely on any other people in my life. 

Anyway, I am interested to hear how you've been going since Dec 2022? Did you find anyone you could rely on for support, perhaps outside your family?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[2024-01-11]

Hello Lick

I am new to this platform & am still finding my way around the different pathways to various discussions. I see your post was quite a long time ago, but it resonates with me personally. I hope you get to read it & that you find it helpful and supportive.

I had an occurrence of sexual abuse myself, as a 10 year old. I was in absolute distress after it happened and did not get the support from the one person I should have, my mother. I went to her very shortly after and she said "Never mind dear, just go to bed now", and it was never mentioned again. I know she believed me, but it was easier for her to sweep it under the carpet because her de facto was the culprit - I'll label him rt - and she was trying to build a new life for herself without my father. I left my mother's home not long afterwards and went to live with my father where I could feel safe again. It was a long time before I could divulge to my father what had happened - I felt so ashamed. He understood. He was enraged by it actually and would have throttled rt if he could have. I was lucky that I had dad's support. However, even though I forgave rt, it placed an indelible mark on my psyche for the rest of my life. I am now 65.

It feels totally unjust to have our expectations for family support amount to zilch when it's needed. It leaves us wandering around in sadness, resentment and anger whenever we have to manage challenging situations. Clearly you have not left your family to struggle whenever they have needed your help but reciprocation is extremely poor. Am I right in perceiving that you feel emotionally overstretched and severely unappreciated? I'm no expert in this field, but I do know that a kind-hearted person suffers greatly as a result of their generosity at times. You've gone through a lot of things that have left you feeling worthless - sometimes without being aware of it - and you have spent a lifetime trying to prove to all those around you, that you are in fact the opposite...worthy and valuable, A person in this position gains a lot of benefit from finding a place with people who recognize their contribution in their lives. Stepping outside of your family environment to find that place (wherever it is) and those people (whoever they are), could help you to navigate through your days feeling happier. As your confidence and sense of personal satisfaction grows, your family may change around you for the better. Your mental wellbeing may suffer less of a hammering from the family. I don't know if you have already spent a little time in community groups that provide a space for your contributions, but many people moving in those circles have gravitated from situations not unlike yours, to find better mental health and lifelong friendship and support. 

I hope your situation has improved by now, or at least shows some promise of doing so, and that you find some hope on the horizon.

[Lick]

Thank you but ill be ok .

i have been working in  a op shop with like minded people that have gone through child sexual abuse and domestic violence and will often have them reach out if I need .

this work place is full of church goers so I do find they can be really comforting .

they asked me to go to church but it’s not for me , plus I swear too much , I do well at work as I don’t swear 😀.

i find therapy is repeated all the time and there’s only so much information you can give but did find when I went through therapy it made me realise I am feeling the right way with my emotions and thoughts and have valid reason and what my family say doesn’t count 

thank you for your advice I really appreciate it

take care 

x

[Lick]

Hi 

I’m sorry but because I’m not sure how to navigate this site I thought I Havnt replied to you .

any way , you make a lot of sense and I respect what you have written .

it sounds like you can relate to what I’ve been going through .

i don’t have to much contact with my family and my Dad unlike yours is still on the cold side , he rarely speaks to me and it makes me angry yes .

i have people I work with now that have had similar things go on in their families .

ill be ok without my family .

obce again I apologise if you got two responses from me

take care 

xx